Lightening Online

A couple of weeks ago I lost the battle to manage my depression medication free. That sounds bad but in reality, it was always a possibility. I was weaned off the Effexor because we weren’t satisfied with the quality of life it was giving me at the highest dose my body could tolerate. It was only the fact that I seemed to improve as the dosage lessened that we wondered if in fact I might be ready to go med free.

The difficulty with living in the country is proximity to medical services and so when I went into meltdown (which was fortunately nowhere near as severe or long lasting as my previous meltdown), my specialist could only do a telephone consult, which limited his options in terms of medications.

His suggestion was for me to go back onto the lowest dose of Effexor and get my condition stabilised. Being the compliant patient that I am, I flat out refused. I was in no state to speak with him so poor Farmboy was the “go between”.

I should point out that for the most part, I have been a very compliant patient. However, while my experiences with weaning off Effexor were better than others I’ve read about, it was still a 5 week process. And I didn’t enjoy the side effects I experienced while going on them either.

Frustrated that people kept pointing me back in the direction of Effexor even though it clearly wasn’t working well for me, Farmboy and I sat down and tried to nut out our options.

For those of you who don’t know the full history, we lost our regular GP just over 12 months ago. This guy delivered 2 of my babies, has seen us through the hospitalisation of 1 child and the almost hospitalisation of a second. And he’d been with me through the whole breakdown and recovery process. His leaving was more than a light blow.

We then went for 12 months without a regular GP, which is the reason I was seeing a specialist. That was the only way I could get any kind of continuity of care.

Our new GP started in September and while we’ve been happy with him so far, I haven’t built up the same level of trust with him that I had with our previous GP.

However, out of options, we figured it was time to go and see him and find out what his thoughts were in regard to my mental health.

It turns out my fears were unfounded (and how often does that turn out to be case?). He was very compassionate and listened to my fears with regard to medications.

His opinion straight out was that the things I had experienced while on Effexor (and the effects while going onto it) all indicated to him that it wasn’t the right medication for my body.

Oh.

It hadn’t really occured to me that not all anti-depressant medications might affect me in the same kinds of ways. I had simply assumed it was part and parcel of being on them that I would experience some side effects and problems.

So, I’ve started on a new medication. Citalopram.

I did make the mistake of googling for other peoples experiences with this drug. Really NOT a good idea.

Especially given I haven’t had much trouble at all with going onto it. Other than being thirsty and tired for the first few days, it’s all been much of a “non event”.

It’s now been over a week and I’m happy with the results so far. They’ve been subtle but I can tell the difference. I don’t feel like I’m going to fall apart any second. And my natural energy levels and motivation seem to be gradually returning.

They say it can take a month for the full effect of Citalopram to kick in so I guess we’ll have to wait and see whether I continue to improve while on it.

The good news is that I feel I’m functioning enough to have a decent quality of life.

It hasn’t been an easy ride but I’m hopeful things will be more uphill than down from here on in.

It was a scientific process deciding when I should bite the bullet and take the final step from 37.5mg Efexor (Venlafaxine) to nothing. We wanted to wait until after our trip to Canberra and after the kids went back to school. On Monday, the first day of term, we ended up having to leave early for Lleyton’s ultrasound appointment and I forgot to take my meds before we left. So I figured it was as good a time as any to take the plunge into the final step of withdrawal.

Very scientific indeed.

NOT!!!

And maybe not as well thought out as it should have been.

With the stress of Lleyton’s injury and having him home constantly meaning I haven’t had time to myself (not that he’s any trouble), it probably hasn’t been the easiest of times to go through this withdrawal.

Still, it hasn’t been too bad, all things considered.

The worst moment so far would have to have been during the second night when I woke up feeling like someone had just turned the power on for my nervous system. You know what it’s like when the power has been off and it suddenly comes on and you can hear the hum of the fridge and anything else that was on when it went off? Everything seems louder until your brain adjusts to the small background noises things like fridge motors make.

It was a horrible feeling - almost like I’d imagine it would be like to stick my finger in a power socket (not that I’ve ever tried to know for sure).

Fortunately it only lasted a few hours.

Other than that, my head constantly goes in waves of a kind of dizziness/headiness. It’s hard to describe but I sure hope it goes away soon.

TIPS FOR COPING WITH EFEXOR/EFFEXOR/VENLAFAXINE WITHDRAWAL

For anyone who finds this via a search for coming off of effexor (or any readers that might go through this), here are a few things that I found have helped my process so far:

1. Exercise. It’s not always the easiest thing to do but it REALLY does help. I find at least 30 minutes and at a level that causes you to sweat (intervals of higher intensity and then lower intensity seems to work well).
2. Be Kind To Yourself. Try not to take on too much at the same time as your body is adjusting (I’ve totally broken that this time around).
3. Know What Makes You Feel Good. Before you start the withdrawal process, have some ideas of things that will make you feel good and help pass the interim time. I have a few girlie movies that have been great for when I need to rest and have something to distract me.
4. Eat Healthily. Another tough one when you’re feeling shocking.
5. Paracetamol. Paracetamol has been my best friend during the withdrawal process. It even seems to help with the head spins and dizziness.

Sidenote to Regular Readers

At the time this post goes to publish, I’ll be in Adelaide visiting a specialist with Lleyton. At this stage (before we leave) we’re unsure what the outcome of that visit will be. Best case scenario is that we’ll be home again by tonight and you won’t even know I’ve been gone. Not so best case scenario is that he’ll need some sort of treatment for whatever is causing his problems, in which case, I may get delayed and there’ll be a lack of posts for a few days. If this happens, keep an eye on the comments in this post for any news.

Image via WikipediaI have just come through my next phase of weaning off Effexor. The bump as I decreased my dosage was a little bit of a smaller bump this time.

Thankfully.

I’m now down to 37.5mg which is what is generally used for getting people onto and off of Effexor. It was the dose I started on a few years back.

Here is a bit of an overview of my experiences so far:

225mg - 150mg

A reasonably low key change. I had about a week where I wasn’t quite feeling “myself” but nothing too significant.

150mg-75mg

This was the most noticable in terms of side effects with day 2 being the absolute worst. Overall I would say that the first 3 days are the worst and within the space of a week, I was actually feeling BETTER than before the dosage decrease.

75mg-37.5mg

I noticed a small amount of headiness for the first 3 days. I’ve also been fairly emotional since this decrease and I’m finding it difficult to determine if this is due to what has been happening around me or the dosage decrease.

My advice to anyone who is going through weaning off Effexor:

• Listen to your doctor. If you feel you can’t trust your doctor, find one you can. DON’T try to go it alone. I have read some horrible accounts of people withdrawing from Effexor cold turkey.
• DON’T panic. Some of the stuff I’ve read on the internet is down right SCARY. So far, any side effects I’ve had have been TEMPORARY.
• DO be kind to yourself. Your body is going through significant adjustments and it may need time and rest.
• DON’T try and make any significant decisions while you’re going through this process.
• DO find someone you can trust to support you through the process.

From what I’ve read, the bump from something (no matter how small) to nothing is the biggest bump. But I’ve come this far and I’m hopeful the final bump will be manageable. I’ll be on this dose for a few more weeks yet. That gives my body time to fully adjust and gives me a break from the withdrawal process.

Overall I seem to be coping pretty well and it is nice to be able to really FEEL again. I feel more like myself than I have in quite a number of years. Obviously, if my body wasn’t ready for this, things would be different.

(Sidenote: The word Effexor gets picked up by my spam filter when you try to leave a comment. If you get a message about moderation, don’t panic. If you click on ” Yes, post my comment”, your comment should go through fine. The automoted spam bots can’t read that message and therefore don’t know to click on “yes, post my comment”).

Interestingly enough, Zemanta has suggested a couple of my own posts as possible related articles for this one. That makes life easier than having to go looking for them myself.

Image by __Olga__ via Flickr

Welcome to any readers who have clicked through to here from my post on Problogger.  As a personal blog, this blog covers a wide range of topics relevant to my own life including my recovery from post natal depression, life as a farmer’s wife, parenting and my journey to discover more of who I really am.  You can read a little more on my “About” page and also find a photograph of me if you’re the kind of person who likes a visual of who is sitting behind the keyboard.

If personal blogs aren’t your thing, you might be interested in one of my other blogs.

On all things blogging: Lightening’s Blogworld

My spiritual side: For I Know The Plans I Have For You

Gardening and my journey toward a more self sufficient lifestyle: Lightening’s Garden 

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My latest post can be viewed below. 

When I left home yesterday, I was determined that no matter what my Psychiatrist said, I was going to come OFF of Effexor. That was what I wanted and that was what I was determined to get.

However, something hit me as I was sitting drinking tea in the waiting room. Life is GOOD. Life hasn’t been THIS good in over 5 years. It’s not perfect. I’m not what I would consider 100% back to my “old self”. But I have finally reached a level of “quality of life” where I feel I could live with this.

The whole process of weaning off my current level of medication began when Farmboy and I basically said to the Psychiatrist “if this is as good as it gets, it’s not good enough”. I was on the highest dose my body would tolerate (having been higher and not being able to function) which meant we couldn’t keep going up.

My body had also started to go backwards in terms of “getting better”.

Mental Health being the exact science that it isn’t, the recommendation of the Psychiatrist at that point was to come off the Effexor and “see what happens”. In his mind, one of two things could be happening.

The first was that my body was no longer responding to the Effexor and we needed to try another medication option.

The second was that my brain no longer required the medication and was therefore actively fighting it.

Either way, the only way to tell was to come completely OFF the Effexor and see what happened.

Worst case scenario, I would lose about 3 or so months of my life to “nothingness” until we could get me weaned off the Effexor and onto something else. Best case scenario, I would improve on the lower doses indicating that perhaps my brain was ready to “go it alone” without medical intervention.

What occurred to me yesterday as I was waiting to see the doctor was that I hadn’t considered an “in between” stage. Perhaps my body is on it’s WAY to recovery and a lower dose of Effexor is what it needs right now.

What if I come off the Effexor (and go through the withdrawals - of which the final stage of getting down to zero Effexor is known to be the worst), only to find I need it and have to go back on it (knowing that I’ll have to then go through the withdrawal process again).

All this to say, I’m not coming off. YET. We’ve postponed the decision for another 5 weeks.

In the meantime, there is one more intermediate dose reduction that I’m going to try. This dose isn’t really a dose in itself and is more of a stepping stone to getting on and off Effexor. It will enable me to cut down on what I’m taking without going through the final withdrawal. If the reduction poses any significant problems, I can return to what I’m currently taking.

I feel like I’m kind of hedging my bets right now. It’s about time I had that option rather than feeling like I have to jump off the cliff with no idea of what is below.

It’s taken me 2 years to get to this point in my recovery. What’s another 5 weeks just to be sure we’re on the right path?

Image via WikipediaToday is DECISION day for us. I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist and we need to make the final decision about how and when I’ll come off my current medications. Oh, I guess first we’ll need to make the final decision as to IF I will come off. I’m part-way there but no decision has been made on the absolute of coming all the way off.

I know what I want. So it’s a matter of filling the Psychiatrist in on what has happened thus far and then getting his input on what he feels is the best course of action.

I’ve come this far in the weaning process and I want OFF. I don’t mind if I need to consider an alternative down the track but I feel that Effexor and I have come as far as we can together and it’s time for us to part ways.

I’m also planning on doing some shopping and eating great food. Should be a good day I think. And nice for Farmboy and I to spend some time together sans kids. It feels like about 2 months since we’ve had a decent conversation with each other.

I’ll fill you in on the outcome of today in my post tomorrow.

Catch you all when I get back.

P.S. How do you like the specky picture I found (okay, Zemanta found)? That’s apparently what Effexor looks like.

Image via WikipediaWhy is it that Effexor is spelt 2 different ways? I can never remember which way around it is but it’s spelt with 1 “f” (ie Efexor) in one place and with 2 “f’s” in another (comparing Australia and the US here). It’s all Venlafaxine. Why have they chosen to use 2 different spellings? Bizarre.

I think this blog post is going to be just as bizzare because I am having the worst head-spins ever and probably shouldn’t be trying to write at all.

In fact, the decision about whether or not to blog my withdrawal process from Effexor is a tricky one in itself. You see, I’m not “anti” anti-depressant drugs. And I know when I was first taking Effexor, I did a google search and totally freaked myself out about the possible issues with getting off it again. I was already on it by then but if I’d googled BEFORE I started taking it I may have not wanted to start in the first place.

So let me just say that it is NOT an evil drug. I know a LOT of people have been helped by this drug. In fact, I have been helped by this drug. In the end, not quite enough to keep taking it. I have read others who’ve pronounced it evil because of the difficulties withdrawing. I’ve also read reports from people who didn’t have any trouble withdrawing at all.

Just putting that out there in case anyone happens to stumble upon this post via google search at a later date. Please remember that everyone’s experience is different.

Now I’ve gotten all that out of the way I need to say this:

Withdrawal SUCKS!!!!

At least, today it does.

Last night I got incredibly ITCHY. An anti-histamine helped a little with that and at least helped me sleep as well. So well I slept in until 9.30am this morning and at 12.30 I’m STILL groggy.

I’m getting head-spins and nausea (which I think is probably a result of the head-spins). It’s a familiar feeling I’ve had before when I’ve forgotten to take my meds.

I remember the itchiness when I first went on the Effexor. It may not be related to the effexor withdrawal. I don’t know.

If you’re feeling sorry for me right now, please send copious amounts of chocolate to PO Box… LOL. Just kidding.

I WILL get through this. Others have. I will. So will you (for anyone reading this that has come from a search engine).

3pm Update: Paracetamol seems to have kicked in and head-spins are a LOT less now. Yah for Paracetamol!!!

Next Day Update: Today is day 3 of this reduction and day 2 was by far the worst.  I’m tired and slightly heady but a HUGE improvement on yesterday.  If you’re going through this, hang in there.  It DOES get better.  {{{HUGS}}} 

Travelling T-Shirt News

In unrelated news, the travelling t-shirt has landed at it’s first destination.

If you’re visiting here as a result of the travelling t-shirt. Hi! I promise I don’t always whine. Sometimes I’m quite happy even! You can make me even happier by clicking on that pretty pink button in the sidebar and subscribing to my feed. It makes me feel all loved and special like.

For my regular readers, I will be updating the Travelling T-Shirt page each time a new post goes up. If you want to follow it’s progress, you can find updates there or follow me on Twitter where I’ll be tweeting it’s new location each time it changes blogs.

If you’re interested in sponsoring the travelling t-shirt giveaway, please contact me.

Am I going to get a HEAP of spam with a heading like that? Or do they target randomly? I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

I have to admit that I used to be ANTI anti-depressant drugs. I thought there HAD to be a better way. Not that I really thought badly of those who took them. I just thought that *I* shouldn’t need them. So perhaps subconsciously I kind of was thinking badly of those who took them. I’m sorry.

When my GP suggested that I give a certain anti-depressant a try, I burst into tears. Which probably wasn’t all that surprising given I’d been in tears most of the duration of my visit.

He was wonderful and explained the physical side of depression. That it was no different to taking medication for diabetes or a kidney problem.

“Will I have to be on them forever?” I sobbed.

Apparently not. Most cases of Post Natal Depression are rectified with a period of time on the drugs that helps to reset the body.

Of course, there is a possibility that I’ve shorted out a function in my brain and if that turns out to be the case then yes, I would need to be on the medication for life. But of course, that’s a small possibility and if it indeed does turn out to be the case then it’s no different to a diabetic that’s on medication for life. Or something to that effect.

I left the office with a prescription for a very low dose of Efexor XR (one type of anti-depressant) that I had NO intention of ever filling.

I phoned DH and he suggested I get it filled and we’d talk more about what to do when I got home. So, I filled it. But I still had no intention of taking it.

Once home I rang a friend. I felt it was too soon to give in and resort to medication. She pointed out that I’d been struggling with this problem for two and a half years so it was hardly a “first resort”.

I started taking the medication. I got worse. That’s normal. Apparently. The body reacts to the drug by reducing it’s production of Serotonin. Great. But it does adjust and things start to improve.

They took a while. But eventually they started to improve. But in the back of my mind resides this doubt as to whether the medication has caused the improvement or whether it has been a natural result of resting more. Taking things easy. Not going out.

We still don’t know if they’re helping. I’m not as well as I feel I should be. My GP has left. I see a visiting Psychiatrist at a town about 2 hours away. He can only fit me in once every 2 months.

Apparently not everyone’s situation can be helped by the use of medication.

Apparently some patients are resistant to certain types of medication.

How do we tell? Trial and error. The only way to find out if the Efexor is helping or not is to come off it and see.

Great.

One thing I discovered about Efexor in my research was that it’s not an easy drug to come off of. Of course, I was already taking it when I discovered this.

So. I need to choose between accepting the kind of “half life” I feel I have now. I’m doing more than I was able to do when I first had the breakdown but a lot, lot less than what I would consider as “normal” for me.

OR. I take another 3 months out of my life. Another 3 months where I may not be capable of mothering my children. At all.

One month to wean off the Efexor and cope with the side effects of that. One month trial to make sure it’s fully out of my system and to see what I’m like without it. One month to gradually wean onto another type of anti-depressant (if necessary) with no guarantees that it will be any better.

I don’t want to take a medication if it’s not really helping. I like the idea of trialling some other methods of helping with the depression. Less “synthetic” ways of dealing with depression like diet, exercise and vitamins.

But I’m scared. Scared of what it will be like to wean off this drug. Scared of missing more time with my children. Just plain scared full stop.

To make matters more “scary”, this article happened to land in my inbox as I was around half way through writing this post. I honestly don’t know who to put my trust in.

All I want is to be well. Is that really too much to ask? Wellness is something we can tend to take for granted until we no longer have it.

For 4 years now I haven’t really felt myself. How many more years of my life is going to be taken from me by this “disease”?

Do I sacrifice another 3 months with the hope that the end result will be a better long term solution for me?

So, there you have it. Not all anti-depressants are anti-depressing. In fact, right now, I’m finding them ALL rather depressing.