Lightening Online

We have come to a new phase in my mental health treatment.

Heading away from the path that says “a few years of drugs and this may all go away” to “this looks like it’s going to be a lifetime thing and you’re going to have to learn to live with it”.

Not a path I EVER wanted to take.

While we always knew there was a chance, we HOPED for the best.

As you do.

When I first had a breakdown, my GP warned me there was a chance I’d pushed myself so hard that a part of my brain would be burnt out.

Irreparable.

You think you’re doing the right thing, struggling on, hoping things will get better.

I didn’t truly understand.

I didn’t ask for help early enough. 

I didn’t know.

Now I have to face the truth.

I’m brain damaged.

It sounds bad.

But it’s not the end of the world really.

I hope.

My Psychiatrist has referred me to a Mental Health Team.

This involves regular visits with a Mental Health Nurse whose job is to “teach me how to live with and manage my depression”.

*sigh*

I’m not good with new people.

I never have been but these days, I’m even worse.

So Farmboy came with me to my first visit.

She’s a lovely lady although she does talk a bit.  I’m trying to fill in forms and she’s chattering away.  Hard to concentrate when you’re brain isn’t fully functioning anyway.

And it does seem to be helping.

The things she’s telling me and suggesting seem to be sinking in.  And working.

Then last week, on our 3rd visit, she brings a STUDENT.

No warning (or I wouldn’t have turned up).  She asked me IN FRONT of said student if I was okay with that.

What was I supposed to say?  NO!

Said student didn’t sit there observing the session.  She RAN the session.

I wanted to RUN FROM the session.

Instead, I went into my “protective” mode.  Deflecting away from myself and telling myself I just had to get through an hour.

I did get through the hour.

But it cost me.

It cost me a LOT.

I was exhausted and in pain by the time I got home.

I feel somewhat cheated and betrayed by this nurse.

We had only just begun to form a trust bond and now it’s broken.

I’m supposed to ring her today.

Part of my “therapy” is to face things I avoid.  Like making phone calls.

I don’t want to.

Then again, I want to ask her if she’ll be alone this week.

But at the same time, I don’t want to talk about it.

I just want to run away.

What was she thinking?

Does she not get me at all?

I don’t know what to do….

*image source medicalproblems.com.au

Regular readers of this blog will know that I’ve been in a “down cycle” with my depression over the past few months.  It has been something of a stressful and despondent time for me, having to come to terms with the fact that my depression is not simply going to “go away”.

I had thought that once I had spent years working hard to climb out of the deep black hole, that I was immune from falling back there again.

Turns out I was wrong. 

There was always a chance I wouldn’t “recover” as some do from Postnatal Depression.

Maybe I did burn something out by pushing myself down to zero (as the Dr did warn I might have when I was first treated).

Maybe I had Post-natal Depression because I was already susceptible to depression physiologically.

The reason why I haven’t “recovered” is unknown.

And much less relevant than facing the fact that I now need to “learn to live with it”.

My Psychiatrist has referred me to a Mental Health Team which means working with a Mental Health Nurse and possibly other professionals if she sees a need.

Her major task is to teach me how to live with depression.

Sounds kind of depressing doesn’t it?

In reality, it’s no different to learning to live with something like Diabetes.

Some diet and lifestyle changes required.

First Step…..BREAKING IT DOWN.

One of the things I’ve found hardest is getting overwhelmed with tasks that once upon a time came automatic to me.

Every task we do has numerous steps (sometimes dozens).  Many we cruise through without even thinking about it. Unless something goes wrong.

Let’s take making mashed potato as an example:

1. Know that you need potatoes

2. Go to the store (involving numerous steps such as starting car, driving, knowing where the grocery store is)

3. Park car

4. Find potatoes

5. Have money to pay for potatoes

6. Deal with checkout - lines, small talk etc.

7. Remember where you parked the car

8. Drive home

Then once you actually HAVE potatoes

9. Decide how many potatoes you need

10. Find a peeler

11. Peel potatoes

12. Find cutting board

13. Find knife

14. Cut potatoes

15.  Find a pot

16. Put water in pot

17. Put potatoes in pot

18. Boil until cooked

19. Drain potatoes

20. Find butter, salt and milk (assuming you have any, if not, see steps 1-8)

21. Find potato masher

22. Find energy to mash potatoes

23. Serve

Image via Wikipedia

Now I know why lately I’ve been resorting to frozen even fries!!!  LOL (still plenty of steps but a few less).

Now, let’s look at some of the roadblocks to the above steps:

* Please forgive the caps - not yelling, just trying to make my comments more highlighted

1. Know that you need potatoes KNOWING WHAT FOOD YOU ACTUALLY HAVE ON HAND CAN BE A HUGE ROADBLOCK FOR PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION.  REMEMBERING WHEN YOU RUN OUT IS ANOTHER.

2. Go to the store (involving numerous steps such as starting car, driving, knowing where the grocery store is) FOR ME, DRIVING IS EXHAUSTING.  ADMITTEDLY, I DON’T RUN TO THE STORE JUST FOR POTATOES.  IF I DON’T BUY THEM WITH OUR REGULAR SHOP (SOMETHING I FORGOT TO DO THIS WEEK)

3. Park car AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HATES PARKING A CAR?  WHY ARE ALL THE PARKS FULL WHEN I ARRIVE AND EMPTY WHEN I LEAVE???

4. Find potatoes THIS ONE IS ACTUALLY EASY FOR ME AS OUR STORE IS SMALL BUT IF YOU’RE IN AN UNFAMILIAR STORE, IT CAN BE JUST ANOTHER “THING” DRAINING YOUR ENERGY

5. Have money to pay for potatoes ANOTHER STRUGGLE - I KNOW MY FINANCES ARE ALL UP THE CREEK AT THE MOMENT.  DEALING WITH MONEY IS A WHOLE SEPARATE ISSUE BUT A VERY REAL ONE

6. Deal with checkout - lines, small talk etc. TALKING TO PEOPLE EXHAUSTS ME, ESPECIALLY IN A “DOWN PHASE” OF MY DEPRESSION.  I HAVEN’T EVEN MENTIONED THE HALF A DOZEN PEOPLE I WOULD RUN INTO AT OUR LOCAL STORE DUE TO LIVING IN A SMALL COMMUNITY

7. Remember where you parked the car NOT TOO BAD IN OUR LOCAL STORE BUT I HATE REMEMBERING WHERE I PARKED THE CAR IN LARGE CARPARK.  NOT TO MENTION TRYING TO WRESTLE WITH A TROLLEY

8. Drive home SEE STEP 2

Then once you actually HAVE potatoes

9. Decide how many potatoes you need I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOURS BUT MY FAMILY HAS CHANGING APPETITES SO IT’S ANYONE’S GUESS FROM ONE DAY TO THE NEXT HOW MANY I NEED

10. Find a peeler SOUNDS SIMPLE ENOUGH BUT CAN BE A FRUSTRATING ROAD BLOCK FOR ME WHEN FAMILY DON’T PUT IT AWAY WHERE IT “BELONGS”

11. Peel potatoes SIMPLE ENOUGH IF I’M NOT PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED (OR MENTALLY FROM DEALING WITH ALL OF THE ABOVE)

12. Find cutting board I CAN FIND THEM ALRIGHT BUT SOMETIMES I HAVE TO WRESTLE WITH THE CUPBOARD TO GET ONE OUT

13. Find knife ASSUMING NO-ONE HAS ALREADY USED THEM.  WE ONLY HAVE 2 THAT ARE SUITABLE FOR CUTTING POTATOES WITHOUT RISKING AN INJURY

14. Cut potatoes SOMETHING I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO WITH MY EYES SHUT BUT MY CO-ORDINATION ISN’T ALWAYS AS GOOD AS IT USED TO BE (ASSUMING THIS IS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY BRAIN FUNCTION AND ALSO WEARINESS)

15.  Find a pot ANOTHER WRESTLE IN THE CUPBOARD IF SOMEONE HAS PUT SOMETHING IN FRONT OF MY REGULAR POT

16. Put water in pot AND MAKING SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH SO THE POT DOESN’T BOIL DRY BUT NOT TOO MUCH THAT IT TAKES FOREVER TO COME TO THE BOIL

17. Put potatoes in pot RELATIVELY ROADBLOCK FREE

18. Boil until cooked WITHOUT BOILING THE POT DRY *SIGH*

19. Drain potatoes ANOTHER CO-ORDINATION ATTEMPT - AND EITHER FINDING LID FOR POT OR COLANDER IN ORDER TO DRAIN WITHOUT DROPPING POTATOES INTO SINK

20. Find butter, salt and milk (assuming you have any, if not, see steps 1-8)  WE USUALLY HAVE THESE ON HAND BUT THERE’S NO GUARANTEES AND IT’S NOT SOMETHING I’D GENERALLY THINK TO CHECK BEFORE I STARTED THE PROCESS

21. Find potato masher AS FOR PEELER, OKAY AS LONG AS IT’S BEEN PUT BACK WHERE IT BELONGS (AND HASN’T GOTTEN BURIED UNDER OTHER UTENSILS - REALLY NEED TO DEAL WITH MY UTENSIL DRAWER *SIGH*)

22. Find energy to mash potatoes I GENERALLY DON’T EVEN ATTEMPT TO MAKE MASHED POTATO UNLESS I KNOW FARMBOY WILL BE AROUND AT SERVING TIME TO MASH THE POTATOES.

23. Serve AND C0-ORDINATE THE SERVING TIME WITH WHATEVER ELSE WE’RE HAVING FOR THE MEAL

One of the most frustrating things I have struggling with depression is that small steps can become INSURMOUNTABLE steps and roadblocks are like impossible MOUNTAINS.  Everything seems to be blown out of proportion and no matter how much you *know* this is what is happening, you are powerless to stop it.

So, right now, I am trying to learn how to break things down.  Probably not into the number of steps I listed above.  But recognising how many steps a seemingly simple task actually takes helps me to be understand better what is happening in my brain.  Helps me to be kinder to myself when I can’t seem to manage what used to come automatically.

The trick then is to work out what is most important in life and work on those things first, allowing the others to fall by the wayside for the time being.

I’m starting with cooking the evening meal.  This is something I really struggle with in my “down” phases (so many decisions to be made and steps to take to make it happen).  With Farmboy moving into Harvest, it’s something I really need to be able to do.

I’m hoping if I start with babysteps early in the day, by tea-time we’ll be able to eat. 

Will let you know how that works.

How do you deal with stuff that overwhelms you?

A couple of weeks ago I lost the battle to manage my depression medication free. That sounds bad but in reality, it was always a possibility. I was weaned off the Effexor because we weren’t satisfied with the quality of life it was giving me at the highest dose my body could tolerate. It was only the fact that I seemed to improve as the dosage lessened that we wondered if in fact I might be ready to go med free.

The difficulty with living in the country is proximity to medical services and so when I went into meltdown (which was fortunately nowhere near as severe or long lasting as my previous meltdown), my specialist could only do a telephone consult, which limited his options in terms of medications.

His suggestion was for me to go back onto the lowest dose of Effexor and get my condition stabilised. Being the compliant patient that I am, I flat out refused. I was in no state to speak with him so poor Farmboy was the “go between”.

I should point out that for the most part, I have been a very compliant patient. However, while my experiences with weaning off Effexor were better than others I’ve read about, it was still a 5 week process. And I didn’t enjoy the side effects I experienced while going on them either.

Frustrated that people kept pointing me back in the direction of Effexor even though it clearly wasn’t working well for me, Farmboy and I sat down and tried to nut out our options.

For those of you who don’t know the full history, we lost our regular GP just over 12 months ago. This guy delivered 2 of my babies, has seen us through the hospitalisation of 1 child and the almost hospitalisation of a second. And he’d been with me through the whole breakdown and recovery process. His leaving was more than a light blow.

We then went for 12 months without a regular GP, which is the reason I was seeing a specialist. That was the only way I could get any kind of continuity of care.

Our new GP started in September and while we’ve been happy with him so far, I haven’t built up the same level of trust with him that I had with our previous GP.

However, out of options, we figured it was time to go and see him and find out what his thoughts were in regard to my mental health.

It turns out my fears were unfounded (and how often does that turn out to be case?). He was very compassionate and listened to my fears with regard to medications.

His opinion straight out was that the things I had experienced while on Effexor (and the effects while going onto it) all indicated to him that it wasn’t the right medication for my body.

Oh.

It hadn’t really occured to me that not all anti-depressant medications might affect me in the same kinds of ways. I had simply assumed it was part and parcel of being on them that I would experience some side effects and problems.

So, I’ve started on a new medication. Citalopram.

I did make the mistake of googling for other peoples experiences with this drug. Really NOT a good idea.

Especially given I haven’t had much trouble at all with going onto it. Other than being thirsty and tired for the first few days, it’s all been much of a “non event”.

It’s now been over a week and I’m happy with the results so far. They’ve been subtle but I can tell the difference. I don’t feel like I’m going to fall apart any second. And my natural energy levels and motivation seem to be gradually returning.

They say it can take a month for the full effect of Citalopram to kick in so I guess we’ll have to wait and see whether I continue to improve while on it.

The good news is that I feel I’m functioning enough to have a decent quality of life.

It hasn’t been an easy ride but I’m hopeful things will be more uphill than down from here on in.

I remember in the early days of my nervous breakdown having the thought that I was going mad and life as I had known it to that point was over. Both Farmboy and my GP told me basically the same thing. “If you think you’re going mad then chances are you aren’t”. That was there way of telling me I wasn’t really going mad, even though I thought perhaps I was.

I wonder if the same principle holds true for rationality? Because right now I’m not sure how rational I’m being. Does the fact that I’m worried about how rational I am mean that I AM rational? Or is it an indication that the wheels are falling off the wagon.

When I first deliberated over whether or not to come off this particular medication, Kelley promised me she’d let me know if she noticed a change in my blogposts. How am I going Kell?

Lately I’ve been more teary than normal and struggling to cope with day to day life. And I can’t figure out if it’s a delayed reaction to my latest medication decrease or whether I’m just going through a rough patch at the moment.

I’m one who will often self doubt. Well, pretty much always actually. I know it’s not healthy. And I AM working on it. Or at least TRYING to.

The thing is, right now I’m really NOT SURE if my thought processes are rational. They might sound rational. But does that mean they ARE rational. And if they’re not, how will I know?

I mean, what is rational really? Is whatever our own reality is or appears rational?

I could go look up rational in the dictionary but I feel like just brain dumping my thoughts on you guys instead.

So, what do you think? How would you define/describe rational and how do you tell if someone is being rational or not?

Image via WikipediaI have just come through my next phase of weaning off Effexor. The bump as I decreased my dosage was a little bit of a smaller bump this time.

Thankfully.

I’m now down to 37.5mg which is what is generally used for getting people onto and off of Effexor. It was the dose I started on a few years back.

Here is a bit of an overview of my experiences so far:

225mg - 150mg

A reasonably low key change. I had about a week where I wasn’t quite feeling “myself” but nothing too significant.

150mg-75mg

This was the most noticable in terms of side effects with day 2 being the absolute worst. Overall I would say that the first 3 days are the worst and within the space of a week, I was actually feeling BETTER than before the dosage decrease.

75mg-37.5mg

I noticed a small amount of headiness for the first 3 days. I’ve also been fairly emotional since this decrease and I’m finding it difficult to determine if this is due to what has been happening around me or the dosage decrease.

My advice to anyone who is going through weaning off Effexor:

• Listen to your doctor. If you feel you can’t trust your doctor, find one you can. DON’T try to go it alone. I have read some horrible accounts of people withdrawing from Effexor cold turkey.
• DON’T panic. Some of the stuff I’ve read on the internet is down right SCARY. So far, any side effects I’ve had have been TEMPORARY.
• DO be kind to yourself. Your body is going through significant adjustments and it may need time and rest.
• DON’T try and make any significant decisions while you’re going through this process.
• DO find someone you can trust to support you through the process.

From what I’ve read, the bump from something (no matter how small) to nothing is the biggest bump. But I’ve come this far and I’m hopeful the final bump will be manageable. I’ll be on this dose for a few more weeks yet. That gives my body time to fully adjust and gives me a break from the withdrawal process.

Overall I seem to be coping pretty well and it is nice to be able to really FEEL again. I feel more like myself than I have in quite a number of years. Obviously, if my body wasn’t ready for this, things would be different.

(Sidenote: The word Effexor gets picked up by my spam filter when you try to leave a comment. If you get a message about moderation, don’t panic. If you click on ” Yes, post my comment”, your comment should go through fine. The automoted spam bots can’t read that message and therefore don’t know to click on “yes, post my comment”).

Interestingly enough, Zemanta has suggested a couple of my own posts as possible related articles for this one. That makes life easier than having to go looking for them myself.

Image by __Olga__ via Flickr

Welcome to any readers who have clicked through to here from my post on Problogger.  As a personal blog, this blog covers a wide range of topics relevant to my own life including my recovery from post natal depression, life as a farmer’s wife, parenting and my journey to discover more of who I really am.  You can read a little more on my “About” page and also find a photograph of me if you’re the kind of person who likes a visual of who is sitting behind the keyboard.

If personal blogs aren’t your thing, you might be interested in one of my other blogs.

On all things blogging: Lightening’s Blogworld

My spiritual side: For I Know The Plans I Have For You

Gardening and my journey toward a more self sufficient lifestyle: Lightening’s Garden 

If you’d like to subscribe to get my posts in your feedreader click here. 

My latest post can be viewed below. 

When I left home yesterday, I was determined that no matter what my Psychiatrist said, I was going to come OFF of Effexor. That was what I wanted and that was what I was determined to get.

However, something hit me as I was sitting drinking tea in the waiting room. Life is GOOD. Life hasn’t been THIS good in over 5 years. It’s not perfect. I’m not what I would consider 100% back to my “old self”. But I have finally reached a level of “quality of life” where I feel I could live with this.

The whole process of weaning off my current level of medication began when Farmboy and I basically said to the Psychiatrist “if this is as good as it gets, it’s not good enough”. I was on the highest dose my body would tolerate (having been higher and not being able to function) which meant we couldn’t keep going up.

My body had also started to go backwards in terms of “getting better”.

Mental Health being the exact science that it isn’t, the recommendation of the Psychiatrist at that point was to come off the Effexor and “see what happens”. In his mind, one of two things could be happening.

The first was that my body was no longer responding to the Effexor and we needed to try another medication option.

The second was that my brain no longer required the medication and was therefore actively fighting it.

Either way, the only way to tell was to come completely OFF the Effexor and see what happened.

Worst case scenario, I would lose about 3 or so months of my life to “nothingness” until we could get me weaned off the Effexor and onto something else. Best case scenario, I would improve on the lower doses indicating that perhaps my brain was ready to “go it alone” without medical intervention.

What occurred to me yesterday as I was waiting to see the doctor was that I hadn’t considered an “in between” stage. Perhaps my body is on it’s WAY to recovery and a lower dose of Effexor is what it needs right now.

What if I come off the Effexor (and go through the withdrawals - of which the final stage of getting down to zero Effexor is known to be the worst), only to find I need it and have to go back on it (knowing that I’ll have to then go through the withdrawal process again).

All this to say, I’m not coming off. YET. We’ve postponed the decision for another 5 weeks.

In the meantime, there is one more intermediate dose reduction that I’m going to try. This dose isn’t really a dose in itself and is more of a stepping stone to getting on and off Effexor. It will enable me to cut down on what I’m taking without going through the final withdrawal. If the reduction poses any significant problems, I can return to what I’m currently taking.

I feel like I’m kind of hedging my bets right now. It’s about time I had that option rather than feeling like I have to jump off the cliff with no idea of what is below.

It’s taken me 2 years to get to this point in my recovery. What’s another 5 weeks just to be sure we’re on the right path?

Image via WikipediaToday is DECISION day for us. I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist and we need to make the final decision about how and when I’ll come off my current medications. Oh, I guess first we’ll need to make the final decision as to IF I will come off. I’m part-way there but no decision has been made on the absolute of coming all the way off.

I know what I want. So it’s a matter of filling the Psychiatrist in on what has happened thus far and then getting his input on what he feels is the best course of action.

I’ve come this far in the weaning process and I want OFF. I don’t mind if I need to consider an alternative down the track but I feel that Effexor and I have come as far as we can together and it’s time for us to part ways.

I’m also planning on doing some shopping and eating great food. Should be a good day I think. And nice for Farmboy and I to spend some time together sans kids. It feels like about 2 months since we’ve had a decent conversation with each other.

I’ll fill you in on the outcome of today in my post tomorrow.

Catch you all when I get back.

P.S. How do you like the specky picture I found (okay, Zemanta found)? That’s apparently what Effexor looks like.

Image via WikipediaWhy is it that Effexor is spelt 2 different ways? I can never remember which way around it is but it’s spelt with 1 “f” (ie Efexor) in one place and with 2 “f’s” in another (comparing Australia and the US here). It’s all Venlafaxine. Why have they chosen to use 2 different spellings? Bizarre.

I think this blog post is going to be just as bizzare because I am having the worst head-spins ever and probably shouldn’t be trying to write at all.

In fact, the decision about whether or not to blog my withdrawal process from Effexor is a tricky one in itself. You see, I’m not “anti” anti-depressant drugs. And I know when I was first taking Effexor, I did a google search and totally freaked myself out about the possible issues with getting off it again. I was already on it by then but if I’d googled BEFORE I started taking it I may have not wanted to start in the first place.

So let me just say that it is NOT an evil drug. I know a LOT of people have been helped by this drug. In fact, I have been helped by this drug. In the end, not quite enough to keep taking it. I have read others who’ve pronounced it evil because of the difficulties withdrawing. I’ve also read reports from people who didn’t have any trouble withdrawing at all.

Just putting that out there in case anyone happens to stumble upon this post via google search at a later date. Please remember that everyone’s experience is different.

Now I’ve gotten all that out of the way I need to say this:

Withdrawal SUCKS!!!!

At least, today it does.

Last night I got incredibly ITCHY. An anti-histamine helped a little with that and at least helped me sleep as well. So well I slept in until 9.30am this morning and at 12.30 I’m STILL groggy.

I’m getting head-spins and nausea (which I think is probably a result of the head-spins). It’s a familiar feeling I’ve had before when I’ve forgotten to take my meds.

I remember the itchiness when I first went on the Effexor. It may not be related to the effexor withdrawal. I don’t know.

If you’re feeling sorry for me right now, please send copious amounts of chocolate to PO Box… LOL. Just kidding.

I WILL get through this. Others have. I will. So will you (for anyone reading this that has come from a search engine).

3pm Update: Paracetamol seems to have kicked in and head-spins are a LOT less now. Yah for Paracetamol!!!

Next Day Update: Today is day 3 of this reduction and day 2 was by far the worst.  I’m tired and slightly heady but a HUGE improvement on yesterday.  If you’re going through this, hang in there.  It DOES get better.  {{{HUGS}}} 

Travelling T-Shirt News

In unrelated news, the travelling t-shirt has landed at it’s first destination.

If you’re visiting here as a result of the travelling t-shirt. Hi! I promise I don’t always whine. Sometimes I’m quite happy even! You can make me even happier by clicking on that pretty pink button in the sidebar and subscribing to my feed. It makes me feel all loved and special like.

For my regular readers, I will be updating the Travelling T-Shirt page each time a new post goes up. If you want to follow it’s progress, you can find updates there or follow me on Twitter where I’ll be tweeting it’s new location each time it changes blogs.

If you’re interested in sponsoring the travelling t-shirt giveaway, please contact me.

Image via WikipediaMy roller coaster ride continues.

The constant motion and unpredictability is making me feel ill.

I want to pull the emergency stop handle.

But there isn’t one.

The relief as the cart starts to slowly climb up a peak is immense.

This trough is over.

For now.

But the feeling of dread as I perch precariously on the precipice is nauseating.

It’s a long way down.

And I don’t want to go back there.

I feel lost. Jaded. Uncertain.

Once upon a time the internet provided for me a haven from the world.

Now it’s showing itself to be just as hurtful and ugly as the real world.

The honeymoon period only lasts for so long.

And reality bites.

I can move on. Find new friends. New groups. New outlets.

Start the honeymoon period all over again.

But that won’t change reality.

And reality bites.

I’m lost. Uncertain. Feeling alone and unsure.

And hurt.

People have an amazing power to hurt us.

I’m learning that the internet world isn’t immune from that sad fact.

The urge to gouge holes in my arms is intense.

It doesn’t make any sense.

But the urge is there regardless.

Some days nothing makes sense.

I hope my cart starts to climb again soon.

* image courtesy of www.rbkdirect.co.uk

I’ve been finding exercise is getting more and more pleasurable as my fitness levels improve.

So I wasn’t all that impressed this week to find my personal training session a very hard slog.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have been really. After all:

a) I didn’t sleep well the night before

b) The emotional drain over the weekend took a LOT out of me both physically and emotionally.

c) It was my first day on a reduced dosage of my anti-depressant medication

d) It was “weigh and measure” week (okay, that probably had NOTHING to do with it but I had to throw it in there anyway ).

Weigh and Measure

I think this went okay. Not much happening on the weight loss front but that was about what I was expecting. Some improvements in measurements though. Nothing earth-shattering but progress in the right direction.

Positives

• Most of the time I’m enjoying exercise which is a relief after the hard slog I’ve found it in the past few months. I generally look forward to it (especially my personal training sessions).
• I’m slowly improving my eating habits again and I’m hoping that will have a gradual snowball effect (improved health leads to improved fitness and improved fitness leads to my body craving healthier foods and on it goes).
• Not counting the ups and downs of the depression, I am feeling better within myself.
• The massage at the end of my session today was REALLY good.
• My trainer had planned some flexibility exercises as part of our session. Which made it less “full on”. Have I mentioned how amazing she is yet????

Not so Positives

I didn’t get quite the same high after my session today. I think my body is kind of quivering on it’s last legs right now. I was a bit teary when I got home. I don’t think that had anything to do with the session. Just that I’m disappointed that my body is struggling.

It is really really hard to put up with feeling bad. Feeling bad is BAD. I WANT to feel good!!! (*stomps her feet like a 2-year old*)

What’s Happening on the Drug Side of Things?

Monday was my first day of cutting back my medication dosage. Who knows what kind of a rollercoaster ride we’re in for in the next few months? I’m supposed to give it around a month on this dose before reducing again. Personally, I’d like to reduce it faster and get it over and done with. But they don’t think that’s a good idea. So for now I’m trying to be good and listen to what they say.

I’m trying to approach this with a “expect the best but accept the worst” type attitude. Which is REALLY hard.

My biggest fear? Losing my fitness AGAIN. I can cope with not making too much progress over the coming months (I think). But going backwards would be somewhat devastating.

I’m toying with the idea of cutting out sugar. I’ve heard that this can help with improving depression symptoms. Not sure if I have the willpower to follow through on it right now. Is it really fair to deprive myself of chocolate through these dark days?????

For now I’m trying to cut BACK rather than cut it out. But I have heard that it’s addictive so cutting it out makes more sense.

Whatever happens over the coming weeks, I hope you’ll stick with me. I’m hoping it will be “business as usual” around here. Time will tell.