Lightening Online

Image via WikipediaI have just come through my next phase of weaning off Effexor. The bump as I decreased my dosage was a little bit of a smaller bump this time.

Thankfully.

I’m now down to 37.5mg which is what is generally used for getting people onto and off of Effexor. It was the dose I started on a few years back.

Here is a bit of an overview of my experiences so far:

225mg - 150mg

A reasonably low key change. I had about a week where I wasn’t quite feeling “myself” but nothing too significant.

150mg-75mg

This was the most noticable in terms of side effects with day 2 being the absolute worst. Overall I would say that the first 3 days are the worst and within the space of a week, I was actually feeling BETTER than before the dosage decrease.

75mg-37.5mg

I noticed a small amount of headiness for the first 3 days. I’ve also been fairly emotional since this decrease and I’m finding it difficult to determine if this is due to what has been happening around me or the dosage decrease.

My advice to anyone who is going through weaning off Effexor:

• Listen to your doctor. If you feel you can’t trust your doctor, find one you can. DON’T try to go it alone. I have read some horrible accounts of people withdrawing from Effexor cold turkey.
• DON’T panic. Some of the stuff I’ve read on the internet is down right SCARY. So far, any side effects I’ve had have been TEMPORARY.
• DO be kind to yourself. Your body is going through significant adjustments and it may need time and rest.
• DON’T try and make any significant decisions while you’re going through this process.
• DO find someone you can trust to support you through the process.

From what I’ve read, the bump from something (no matter how small) to nothing is the biggest bump. But I’ve come this far and I’m hopeful the final bump will be manageable. I’ll be on this dose for a few more weeks yet. That gives my body time to fully adjust and gives me a break from the withdrawal process.

Overall I seem to be coping pretty well and it is nice to be able to really FEEL again. I feel more like myself than I have in quite a number of years. Obviously, if my body wasn’t ready for this, things would be different.

(Sidenote: The word Effexor gets picked up by my spam filter when you try to leave a comment.  If you get a message about moderation, don’t panic.  If you click on ” Yes, post my comment”, your comment should go through fine.  The automoted spam bots can’t read that message and therefore don’t know to click on “yes, post my comment”).

Interestingly enough, Zemanta has suggested a couple of my own posts as possible related articles for this one. That makes life easier than having to go looking for them myself.

Image by __Olga__ via Flickr

Welcome to any readers who have clicked through to here from my post on Problogger.  As a personal blog, this blog covers a wide range of topics relevant to my own life including my recovery from post natal depression, life as a farmer’s wife, parenting and my journey to discover more of who I really am.  You can read a little more on my “About” page and also find a photograph of me if you’re the kind of person who likes a visual of who is sitting behind the keyboard.

If personal blogs aren’t your thing, you might be interested in one of my other blogs.

On all things blogging: Lightening’s Blogworld

My spiritual side: For I Know The Plans I Have For You

Gardening and my journey toward a more self sufficient lifestyle: Lightening’s Garden 

If you’d like to subscribe to get my posts in your feedreader click here. 

My latest post can be viewed below. 

When I left home yesterday, I was determined that no matter what my Psychiatrist said, I was going to come OFF of Effexor. That was what I wanted and that was what I was determined to get.

However, something hit me as I was sitting drinking tea in the waiting room. Life is GOOD. Life hasn’t been THIS good in over 5 years. It’s not perfect. I’m not what I would consider 100% back to my “old self”. But I have finally reached a level of “quality of life” where I feel I could live with this.

The whole process of weaning off my current level of medication began when Farmboy and I basically said to the Psychiatrist “if this is as good as it gets, it’s not good enough”. I was on the highest dose my body would tolerate (having been higher and not being able to function) which meant we couldn’t keep going up.

My body had also started to go backwards in terms of “getting better”.

Mental Health being the exact science that it isn’t, the recommendation of the Psychiatrist at that point was to come off the Effexor and “see what happens”. In his mind, one of two things could be happening.

The first was that my body was no longer responding to the Effexor and we needed to try another medication option.

The second was that my brain no longer required the medication and was therefore actively fighting it.

Either way, the only way to tell was to come completely OFF the Effexor and see what happened.

Worst case scenario, I would lose about 3 or so months of my life to “nothingness” until we could get me weaned off the Effexor and onto something else. Best case scenario, I would improve on the lower doses indicating that perhaps my brain was ready to “go it alone” without medical intervention.

What occurred to me yesterday as I was waiting to see the doctor was that I hadn’t considered an “in between” stage. Perhaps my body is on it’s WAY to recovery and a lower dose of Effexor is what it needs right now.

What if I come off the Effexor (and go through the withdrawals - of which the final stage of getting down to zero Effexor is known to be the worst), only to find I need it and have to go back on it (knowing that I’ll have to then go through the withdrawal process again).

All this to say, I’m not coming off. YET. We’ve postponed the decision for another 5 weeks.

In the meantime, there is one more intermediate dose reduction that I’m going to try. This dose isn’t really a dose in itself and is more of a stepping stone to getting on and off Effexor. It will enable me to cut down on what I’m taking without going through the final withdrawal. If the reduction poses any significant problems, I can return to what I’m currently taking.

I feel like I’m kind of hedging my bets right now. It’s about time I had that option rather than feeling like I have to jump off the cliff with no idea of what is below.

It’s taken me 2 years to get to this point in my recovery. What’s another 5 weeks just to be sure we’re on the right path?

Image via WikipediaToday is DECISION day for us. I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist and we need to make the final decision about how and when I’ll come off my current medications. Oh, I guess first we’ll need to make the final decision as to IF I will come off. I’m part-way there but no decision has been made on the absolute of coming all the way off.

I know what I want. So it’s a matter of filling the Psychiatrist in on what has happened thus far and then getting his input on what he feels is the best course of action.

I’ve come this far in the weaning process and I want OFF. I don’t mind if I need to consider an alternative down the track but I feel that Effexor and I have come as far as we can together and it’s time for us to part ways.

I’m also planning on doing some shopping and eating great food. Should be a good day I think. And nice for Farmboy and I to spend some time together sans kids. It feels like about 2 months since we’ve had a decent conversation with each other.

I’ll fill you in on the outcome of today in my post tomorrow.

Catch you all when I get back.

P.S. How do you like the specky picture I found (okay, Zemanta found)? That’s apparently what Effexor looks like.

Image via WikipediaWhy is it that Effexor is spelt 2 different ways? I can never remember which way around it is but it’s spelt with 1 “f” (ie Efexor) in one place and with 2 “f’s” in another (comparing Australia and the US here). It’s all Venlafaxine. Why have they chosen to use 2 different spellings? Bizarre.

I think this blog post is going to be just as bizzare because I am having the worst head-spins ever and probably shouldn’t be trying to write at all.

In fact, the decision about whether or not to blog my withdrawal process from Effexor is a tricky one in itself. You see, I’m not “anti” anti-depressant drugs. And I know when I was first taking Effexor, I did a google search and totally freaked myself out about the possible issues with getting off it again. I was already on it by then but if I’d googled BEFORE I started taking it I may have not wanted to start in the first place.

So let me just say that it is NOT an evil drug. I know a LOT of people have been helped by this drug. In fact, I have been helped by this drug. In the end, not quite enough to keep taking it. I have read others who’ve pronounced it evil because of the difficulties withdrawing. I’ve also read reports from people who didn’t have any trouble withdrawing at all.

Just putting that out there in case anyone happens to stumble upon this post via google search at a later date. Please remember that everyone’s experience is different.

Now I’ve gotten all that out of the way I need to say this:

Withdrawal SUCKS!!!!

At least, today it does.

Last night I got incredibly ITCHY. An anti-histamine helped a little with that and at least helped me sleep as well. So well I slept in until 9.30am this morning and at 12.30 I’m STILL groggy.

I’m getting head-spins and nausea (which I think is probably a result of the head-spins). It’s a familiar feeling I’ve had before when I’ve forgotten to take my meds.

I remember the itchiness when I first went on the Effexor. It may not be related to the effexor withdrawal. I don’t know.

If you’re feeling sorry for me right now, please send copious amounts of chocolate to PO Box… LOL. Just kidding.

I WILL get through this. Others have. I will. So will you (for anyone reading this that has come from a search engine).

3pm Update: Paracetamol seems to have kicked in and head-spins are a LOT less now. Yah for Paracetamol!!!

Next Day Update: Today is day 3 of this reduction and day 2 was by far the worst.  I’m tired and slightly heady but a HUGE improvement on yesterday.  If you’re going through this, hang in there.  It DOES get better.  {{{HUGS}}} 

Travelling T-Shirt News

In unrelated news, the travelling t-shirt has landed at it’s first destination.

If you’re visiting here as a result of the travelling t-shirt. Hi! I promise I don’t always whine. Sometimes I’m quite happy even! You can make me even happier by clicking on that pretty pink button in the sidebar and subscribing to my feed. It makes me feel all loved and special like.

For my regular readers, I will be updating the Travelling T-Shirt page each time a new post goes up. If you want to follow it’s progress, you can find updates there or follow me on Twitter where I’ll be tweeting it’s new location each time it changes blogs.

If you’re interested in sponsoring the travelling t-shirt giveaway, please contact me.

Image via WikipediaMy roller coaster ride continues.

The constant motion and unpredictability is making me feel ill.

I want to pull the emergency stop handle.

But there isn’t one.

The relief as the cart starts to slowly climb up a peak is immense.

This trough is over.

For now.

But the feeling of dread as I perch precariously on the precipice is nauseating.

It’s a long way down.

And I don’t want to go back there.

I feel lost. Jaded. Uncertain.

Once upon a time the internet provided for me a haven from the world.

Now it’s showing itself to be just as hurtful and ugly as the real world.

The honeymoon period only lasts for so long.

And reality bites.

I can move on. Find new friends. New groups. New outlets.

Start the honeymoon period all over again.

But that won’t change reality.

And reality bites.

I’m lost. Uncertain. Feeling alone and unsure.

And hurt.

People have an amazing power to hurt us.

I’m learning that the internet world isn’t immune from that sad fact.

The urge to gouge holes in my arms is intense.

It doesn’t make any sense.

But the urge is there regardless.

Some days nothing makes sense.

I hope my cart starts to climb again soon.

* image courtesy of www.rbkdirect.co.uk

I’ve been finding exercise is getting more and more pleasurable as my fitness levels improve.

So I wasn’t all that impressed this week to find my personal training session a very hard slog.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have been really. After all:

a) I didn’t sleep well the night before

b) The emotional drain over the weekend took a LOT out of me both physically and emotionally.

c) It was my first day on a reduced dosage of my anti-depressant medication

d) It was “weigh and measure” week (okay, that probably had NOTHING to do with it but I had to throw it in there anyway ).

Weigh and Measure

I think this went okay. Not much happening on the weight loss front but that was about what I was expecting. Some improvements in measurements though. Nothing earth-shattering but progress in the right direction.

Positives

• Most of the time I’m enjoying exercise which is a relief after the hard slog I’ve found it in the past few months. I generally look forward to it (especially my personal training sessions).
• I’m slowly improving my eating habits again and I’m hoping that will have a gradual snowball effect (improved health leads to improved fitness and improved fitness leads to my body craving healthier foods and on it goes).
• Not counting the ups and downs of the depression, I am feeling better within myself.
• The massage at the end of my session today was REALLY good.
• My trainer had planned some flexibility exercises as part of our session. Which made it less “full on”. Have I mentioned how amazing she is yet????

Not so Positives

I didn’t get quite the same high after my session today. I think my body is kind of quivering on it’s last legs right now. I was a bit teary when I got home. I don’t think that had anything to do with the session. Just that I’m disappointed that my body is struggling.

It is really really hard to put up with feeling bad. Feeling bad is BAD. I WANT to feel good!!! (*stomps her feet like a 2-year old*)

What’s Happening on the Drug Side of Things?

Monday was my first day of cutting back my medication dosage. Who knows what kind of a rollercoaster ride we’re in for in the next few months? I’m supposed to give it around a month on this dose before reducing again. Personally, I’d like to reduce it faster and get it over and done with. But they don’t think that’s a good idea. So for now I’m trying to be good and listen to what they say.

I’m trying to approach this with a “expect the best but accept the worst” type attitude. Which is REALLY hard.

My biggest fear? Losing my fitness AGAIN. I can cope with not making too much progress over the coming months (I think). But going backwards would be somewhat devastating.

I’m toying with the idea of cutting out sugar. I’ve heard that this can help with improving depression symptoms. Not sure if I have the willpower to follow through on it right now. Is it really fair to deprive myself of chocolate through these dark days?????

For now I’m trying to cut BACK rather than cut it out. But I have heard that it’s addictive so cutting it out makes more sense.

Whatever happens over the coming weeks, I hope you’ll stick with me. I’m hoping it will be “business as usual” around here. Time will tell.

I’m quite a fan of Motivational Speaker Craig Harper. In fact, I subscribe to his blog so that I can get regular doses of his wisdom and inspiration. I’m actually kind of surprised that someone that is such a popular speaker and writer would give of themselves so freely by way of a blog that anyone can read and participate in. I think it shows a lot about his HEART.

This morning I read his post Mind of a Teacher, Heart of a Student and something within that post really spoke to me. He talks about a man he met at a conference he was speaking at named Bobby Cappucchio.

Here’s an excerpt from the post that really stood out to me:

It’s so incredible what we can do when we find a way, rather than find an excuse. There were so many reasons for Bobby to be anything but amazing and nobody would have blamed him. But he chose to live an amazing existence and to be the most he could, with what he has. And he has done it incredibly well.

I hope you do too.

At that moment it hit me right between the eyes that I really DO want more from my life. Those around me that have heard my story are quick to say that I haven’t had the easiest of lives. People haven’t always treated me well and I’ve allowed them to continue doing so into my adult life because I didn’t feel that I deserved anything better.

For a long time I felt that because there were people out there who’d had worse childhood’s than mine, any hardship I may have experienced didn’t count. It wasn’t the worst therefore it had to have been okay. I guess through counselling and having the support of professionals around me, I’m realising that there were things that weren’t OKAY and trying to say they were okay is actually hindering my recovery process.

It’s not easy because I’m very quick to blame myself for things that happen. Even now I have moments of doubt where I think that all of my struggles are in my head and a result of me misunderstanding my whole childhood.

I guess the fact remains that whatever intent my parents had, it didn’t change the fact that I FELT unwanted, unloved, insecure and worthless. It has taken a long time for my counsellor to get through to me that my feelings are VALID irrespective of how anyone else might view the situation.

I grew up feeling that my feelings were invalid. That I was too emotional and basically my emotions were WRONG. For those who don’t read my “For I Know the Plans I Have For You” blog, I wrote about one such experience from my childhood in this blogpost.

So, where am I heading with all of this? Some of you in your comments over the past couple of days have reminded me of the power of adversity to make us stronger. I feel like I’m ready for the adversity to be over so I can get on with the “being stronger” part of my life.

But we don’t always have that choice do we? Some people seem to go through life with knock after knock and how they keep getting back on their feet is beyond me. Lately I’ve been feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me and I’m not confident I have the strength to keep getting up after each knock-down.

Perhaps this is where my fear stems from in terms of weaning off my current medication. I’m ready to give in and accept a kind of “half life” rather than go through yet another round of knock downs and struggle.

But the human spirit is amazingly powerful.

Here’s another excerpt from Craig’s post:

What too many people don’t realise is that it’s the challenges and the discomfort that cause us to grow if, and when, we step up to the plate. As I’ve said before, pain is our greatest teacher if we choose to learn.

I’m not disputing the fact that we all face real adversity, real pain, real tragedy and real hardship even in our privileged lives (if you’re not starving, you’re privileged), what I am saying is that we can choose to be exceptional despite our situation, despite our circumstance and despite whatever challenges life throws at us.

I want to choose to be exceptional.

I want to CHOOSE to be exceptional.

I don’t say this lightly. I’m still afraid of what the future holds. I’m still working through issues and events that have hurt me and made me consider myself to be a worthless human being.

I don’t believe for a second that the road ahead of me is going to be easy. But I choose to believe that it is going to be worth it.

So, where to from here?

Farmboy and I have pretty much decided that I will “detox” from the medication I’m currently on, do a stint on nothing and then make a decision about whether to try another medication. I’m not against using medication to help with my condition. I AM against taking a medication that doesn’t help. Maybe what I’m taking now is helping more than we realise. Or maybe not. There is only one way to find out.

The plan - such that it is

I have another 2 and a half weeks until I begin working with my personal trainer. In this time I want to continue working on my fitness and strength so that when we do begin, I’m ready to hit the ground running.

Last night I actually managed to jog the full 3km that I’ve been working back up to. It’s frustrating to think that this time last year I could jog 5km and enjoy it rather than it being a chore. It’s hard not to lament my loss of fitness but I’m trying to focus on the future rather than the past. I’ve done it before so I KNOW I can do it again.

I will then have 4 weeks of training with my personal trainer before I next see the Psychiatrist and we begin the gradual process of weaning off the drugs. The poor girl has no idea what she’s getting herself into. I hope she doesn’t bale on me when I explain what’s happening. I think I *need* her now more than ever.

I am *hoping* to be able to maintain as much exercise as possible during the weaning process as it will help.

The future?

Right now, what the future holds is anybody’s guess. Not that any of us REALLY know what the future holds for us.

In terms of this blog, it will be “business as usual” as much as is possible. I will keep you posted as we go (need my cheer squad and support team with me on this one).

I still have fear and doubt. But I feel somewhat comfortable with the decision we’ve made. There are still some logistical details to put into place. But we have time.

I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful counsellor and all of you to support me through this. Never doubt that you are a valued member of my blog community. Each and every one of you.

{{{HUGS}}} to all.

Lightening

Am I going to get a HEAP of spam with a heading like that? Or do they target randomly? I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

I have to admit that I used to be ANTI anti-depressant drugs. I thought there HAD to be a better way. Not that I really thought badly of those who took them. I just thought that *I* shouldn’t need them. So perhaps subconsciously I kind of was thinking badly of those who took them. I’m sorry.

When my GP suggested that I give a certain anti-depressant a try, I burst into tears. Which probably wasn’t all that surprising given I’d been in tears most of the duration of my visit.

He was wonderful and explained the physical side of depression. That it was no different to taking medication for diabetes or a kidney problem.

“Will I have to be on them forever?” I sobbed.

Apparently not. Most cases of Post Natal Depression are rectified with a period of time on the drugs that helps to reset the body.

Of course, there is a possibility that I’ve shorted out a function in my brain and if that turns out to be the case then yes, I would need to be on the medication for life. But of course, that’s a small possibility and if it indeed does turn out to be the case then it’s no different to a diabetic that’s on medication for life. Or something to that effect.

I left the office with a prescription for a very low dose of Efexor XR (one type of anti-depressant) that I had NO intention of ever filling.

I phoned DH and he suggested I get it filled and we’d talk more about what to do when I got home. So, I filled it. But I still had no intention of taking it.

Once home I rang a friend. I felt it was too soon to give in and resort to medication. She pointed out that I’d been struggling with this problem for two and a half years so it was hardly a “first resort”.

I started taking the medication. I got worse. That’s normal. Apparently. The body reacts to the drug by reducing it’s production of Serotonin. Great. But it does adjust and things start to improve.

They took a while. But eventually they started to improve. But in the back of my mind resides this doubt as to whether the medication has caused the improvement or whether it has been a natural result of resting more. Taking things easy. Not going out.

We still don’t know if they’re helping. I’m not as well as I feel I should be. My GP has left. I see a visiting Psychiatrist at a town about 2 hours away. He can only fit me in once every 2 months.

Apparently not everyone’s situation can be helped by the use of medication.

Apparently some patients are resistant to certain types of medication.

How do we tell? Trial and error. The only way to find out if the Efexor is helping or not is to come off it and see.

Great.

One thing I discovered about Efexor in my research was that it’s not an easy drug to come off of. Of course, I was already taking it when I discovered this.

So. I need to choose between accepting the kind of “half life” I feel I have now. I’m doing more than I was able to do when I first had the breakdown but a lot, lot less than what I would consider as “normal” for me.

OR. I take another 3 months out of my life. Another 3 months where I may not be capable of mothering my children. At all.

One month to wean off the Efexor and cope with the side effects of that. One month trial to make sure it’s fully out of my system and to see what I’m like without it. One month to gradually wean onto another type of anti-depressant (if necessary) with no guarantees that it will be any better.

I don’t want to take a medication if it’s not really helping. I like the idea of trialling some other methods of helping with the depression. Less “synthetic” ways of dealing with depression like diet, exercise and vitamins.

But I’m scared. Scared of what it will be like to wean off this drug. Scared of missing more time with my children. Just plain scared full stop.

To make matters more “scary”, this article happened to land in my inbox as I was around half way through writing this post. I honestly don’t know who to put my trust in.

All I want is to be well. Is that really too much to ask? Wellness is something we can tend to take for granted until we no longer have it.

For 4 years now I haven’t really felt myself. How many more years of my life is going to be taken from me by this “disease”?

Do I sacrifice another 3 months with the hope that the end result will be a better long term solution for me?

So, there you have it. Not all anti-depressants are anti-depressing. In fact, right now, I’m finding them ALL rather depressing.