Lightening Online

I grew up feeling like an over-emotional freak.

It wasn’t until I met my now husband that I even learnt that I have a tendency to absorb other peoples emotions.  He would come to visit me and all of a sudden I would feel absolutely awful.  We worked out (through talking) that he would be worrying about how his car was running or something else.  All I was getting was a negative emotion that seemed to have no source or reason - and was therefore almost impossible to deal with.

Recognising this tendency has helped a little.  It doesn’ t seem to always happen and I don’t always recognise it when it does.  I’m also learning that I’m more susceptible when my own emotional stores are low.

It happened this morning and took me by surprise - and caused me a lot of pain.

I’m emotionally low at the moment.  Signs like thinking my husband hates me and not being able to get to sleep (or stay asleep very long when I do get to sleep) are tell-tale signs.

I’m doing well and today planned a “mental health” day.  Plenty of rest, some recreation and pottering around making the main areas of the house tidy (because that seems to help as well).

I did have 1 task that really “HAD” to be done and that was talk to the Deputy Principal of our school about possible changes to our kids classes (they’re having to reshuffle the school at the moment and I don’t want our youngest changed).  That’s fine - all went fine with the phone call.  It should have felt a relief to have that dealt with and know they’re not going to change him.

Instead, I felt incredibly exhausted and in a LOT of pain.

Why?

I’m surmissing that I absorbed a heap of his emotions.

Unsurprisingly, he’s quite stressed at the moment.  He’s been sick.  He’s having to deal with all the extra work of reshuffling all the primary classes (we’re getting an extra teacher) and the principal is away at the moment.

Poor guy.  I do wish I was more that I could do.

But I’m guessing my carrying some of his emotional baggage is not helpful to anyone.

Mind you, I’d be curious as to whether he felt any better after talking to me.  Wonder if my taking it on unburdens someone else or whether the emotions multiply???

Dunno.  I’m still learning about this myself.  And I’m not about to ring him back and ask him.  LOL.

So, now I’m doing some research and trying to understand strategies for stopping this happening and what I can do to recover my own emotional state when it does happen.

Anyone else have this tendency to absorb other peoples emotions?  I’m not sure how common it is.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a Natural Therapist that visits our area. A number of my friends have been to see this guy in the past and recommended him. It’s taken me some time to feel I’m ready to give it a go (that and I knew he’d suggest an expensive amount of supplements for me to take and I didn’t want to spend that money).

It was an interesting experience and didn’t go anything like I expected it to. As soon as I described my health symptoms (or the not so healthy issues) to him, he was able to nail my personality exactly.

Farmboy was supposed to sit in on the appointment with me but he had a meeting and the guy was running a little late so he only heard the first 5 minutes of the appointment. Which was enough for him to be convinced this guy was on to something.

Basically I have 2 gears. Flat out and stopped. And my body has been running on adrenaline and high levels of stress hormone for way too long. Interesting timing that just the day before (Tuesday), I had been feeling good and went flat out cleaning the house all day.

We spent more of the appointment discussing my mental state and how it got like that than we did discussing the physical state of my body (which is actually reasonably good all things considered). Not that I had to tell him much, he just knew. Not in a freaky “psycho” kind of “knowing”. A more general, “I’ve come across people like you before and while they’re rare, they’re out there and you’re not the freak you thought you were” kind of way. His opinion is that one of the reasons I think so poorly of myself is that as a child I would have naturally tried to seek out others like me and not finding any, assumed that there was something wrong with me.

It was a rather interesting and enlightening half an hour.

What does all this have to do with scheduling?

One of his recommendations for me was that I schedule my time each day. Basically “make appointments” throughout the day for various things I want to achieve. And MAKE SURE that I schedule time in for myself.

It’s not a new theory by any stretch of the imagination. Many people will tell you that creating a daily schedule, as well as including time for yourself, is an efficient way to manage your time.

I’ve resisted trying something like this because I tend to get inflexible when I try to work to a schedule and frustrated when things don’t go quite to plan. So that’s something I need to work on (flexibility).

Also, I have to be careful not to overdo things on days when I’m feeling good. Apparently that’s not a wise use of my energy.

This whole concept fits in well with my desire to take “long service leave” this term. I can see it’s going to be easy to focus too much on getting the house to a state I’m happy with (which, unfortunately, I probably will never be happy with anyway) and not spend any time on things I’d like to do.

It’s also about retraining my brain that it’s OKAY to spend time on things that I find enjoyable. That I’m WORTH it.

I can’t help but think that seeing this guy is the next step in “Project Lightening”. My path toward finding myself, accepting myself and living life to the FULL.

I’m going to give this scheduling idea a try - I’ll keep you posted on how it’s working out.

I was lying in bed last night beating myself up over every word that has left my mouth in the last week or so.

Every now and then I have a tendency to do that.

Usually when I’m over-tired.

But not always.

And it hit me quite calmly between the eyes.

I hate myself.

Sounds kind of pathetic when you put it in writing.

I mean, I’ve always known I had an unhealthy lack of self esteem.

A fact that I felt was warranted until more recent times.

You know, like I don’t “deserve” to have a good self esteem. I have no “reason” to have a good self-esteem. Stuff like that.

Last night was different. Unemotional. Detached.

A very quiet understanding of the facts.

“I Hate Myself”.

Well, that’s kind of STUPID.

But what do you do?

Is there some magic formula for “unhating” yourself?

*sigh*

Image via WikipediaI’m choosing a theme for myself and this blog this year:

“Let Your Light Shine in 2009″

I feel like the butterfly has finally unfolded it’s wings and is ready to take flight.

2008 was a year of struggle and a year of healing. There is still work to be done but I’m feeling stronger and more confident.

I’m slowly discovering more of who I am and who I can be.

2009 is going to be a big year for me. I can feel it in my bones. Most of the focus for the year will be on our “Big Trip”. Preparing to go and then actually GOING!!!

But on a more personal level, 2009 is about ME. Finding myself. Working out who I really am and understanding myself more. Continuing on my journey of learning to love myself so that in turn I can share that love with others. Finding ways to make people smile and shining a light to brighten their day.

What about you? Are you with me? Will you let your inner light shine in 2009?

Happy 2009 Everyone! It’s going to be a GREAT year.

As some of you know, during 2008 I undertook some personal life coaching sessions. The following is a guest post written by Danielle, the life coach I used. December is a busy month but I think it’s great if we can take a few moments to pause, look back and reflect on the year that we’ve had. Before we know it, 2009 will be upon us, along with the chance to look forward to a fresh start in a fresh year.

This is the first time I’ve published a guest post. I’d love to know what you think and whether you’d be interested in reading more from Danielle on life coaching. Feel free to share some of your answers to the questions below in the comments section if you’d like.

Happy Reading

Lightening

Celebrate and reward your achievements

Is it just me or did this year go by faster than a speeding bullet? Well, it’s not over so before 2008 does a great disappearing act let’s celebrate and reward our achievements. As mothers I am sure we have celebrated the achievements of others this year – those of our children, our husbands, our friends, our family – but what about our own achievements?

What better time than December to take the opportunity to spend some guilt-free and self-indulgent time to review the year that has been. I challenge you to take the time to reflect on your accomplishments and celebrate and reward yourself for them. This is something I can tell you from my experience as a coach working with women that we don’t do often enough, if at all.

One of the best things about being a coach is being privileged enough to bear witness to my clients’ successes and for me there are few things more beautiful. I often have to remind my clients to celebrate the progress they have made and reward themselves for it.

Often people forget what they have achieved – even in the space of one week. One client started off our session last week by making a statement about how hugely unsuccessful her week had been. As we began to explore further and delve deeper we found that she had achieved most of what she had committed to do. She was surprised as I kept asking questions and she started to remember the actions she had completed. She had even achieved things she hadn’t committed to.

Sometimes women don’t feel they deserve to be proud about what they’ve completed or that their results are insignificant. This week I asked a client, who has progressed towards her dreams in leaps and bounds since we started working together, if she had celebrated her success lately. Her answer was no. I questioned her a little further and she responded by saying she did not feel comfortable about her success. By the end of the conversation she committed to celebrating her success and came up with some great ideas about how she could own her success.

One of the key components of goal setting and attainment is celebration and reward for great courage and special effort. This so happens to be something we easily forget to do. My clients have me to remind them of how far they have come and since you may not have your own coach I thought it might be worthwhile to remind you too. Answer the questions below as a self-coaching exercise and if you want to share your thoughts with a coach and/or would like feedback email danielle@healthyandhappy.com.au.

Coaching questions

1. What were your top ten achievements for 2008?
2. Did you celebrate any of your achievements?
3. If you did celebrate, how did you celebrate and who did you celebrate with?
4. If you didn’t celebrate, what got in the way?
5. Come up with a solution for each obstacle you identified.
6. Brainstorm a list of ways you can celebrate and reward yourself for your achievements. Make sure at least a quarter of the items on your list are low-cost or no-cost options.
7. As a result of these questions, what are you committing to? What date do you commit to follow through with your commitments?
8. What would you like to achieve in 2009?

If you feel you may benefit from the support and motivation ShapeShifters can offer, we welcome you to take advantage of our FREE coaching consultation. In this one-hour telephone session you will find out more about coaching and walk away with three goals to focus on for 2009 plus a plan of action to implement immediately following the call.

For more info, head to www.healthyandhappy.com.au. To book a free session, call Danielle on 08 8447 7779 or 0433 877 130.

I was just about to work on yesterdays Wordless Wednesday post when the power went out. It’s unusual for me to not post daily but I hadn’t bothered to write a post Tuesday because I’d done 2 on Monday and wanted to give people a chance to catch up. You could say that Murphy was working against me yesterday to make the power go out and cause me to miss 2 days of posting!!!!

Our neighbours have a generator which can be connected directly into their home. It means when the power goes out they have enough power for lights, TV and the oven. Not only was their generator in town when the power went out, it happened to be the night she was cooking roast chicken.

This is the first time the power has gone out since Farmboy scored himself a very small but FREE generator with a drum of oil he bought. He was hoping it might be strong enough to power our pressure pump so that we could all have showers. Nope. It did give us a light but no showers. Why does the power have to go out on the day when both Farmboy and Trailer Boy have been crutching sheep all day and are not only filthy but STINK??? Is this Murphy?

We’re usually out on a Wednesday night so I was looking forward to the opportunity to watch a newish show I’ve been missing. The electricity came back on 10 minutes after the show finished. Murphy?

Here’s the thing. I’ve read and heard many times about people blaming Murphy when things go wrong. After all, the saying “anything that can go wrong, will go wrong” is attributed to this elusive Murphy (was Murphy a very unlucky bloke???).

The problem I have is that those who regularly blame Murphy seem to struggle with Murphy attacks more often than those who don’t. And it leaves me with a “which comes first, the chicken or the egg” dilemma.

If we’re focusing on the negatives in life, does it cause more negatives to happen? Do we, in a way, “attract” the bad stuff by focusing on it.

Let’s look at last night in a slightly different light.

I had happened to buy schnitzel for tea so it was something that Farmboy was able to easily cook on the bbq. Unlike many nights where we’re relying on our microwave to defrost something from the freezer or throwing a frozen meat pie or similar in the oven, we had fresh, unfrozen meat ready to cook for tea.

It was a beautiful night and our kids love to play outside if one of us is out there with them. So they enjoyed Farmboy cooking on the bbq while they happily played in the backyard. We then had a lovely family meal using one of the picnic tables because in the twilight, there was more light outside than inside.

Farmboy did some experimentation with pumpkin on the bbq. We’ve cooked it on the bbq before but usually in chunks that have been microwaved first. This time he sliced it in a similar fashion to the potato.

Our neighbours may not have had their generator but their water is all gravity fed so Farmboy was able to take Trailer Boy over there and get them both clean.

By not having the TV on, the older two kids and I were all sitting at the table talking about our holiday. I did some more planning. Princess Singstar worked on her next blog post and Lleyton did a few things. I also remembered to do Princess Singstar’s homework with her.

So, my question is, do you believe in Murphy? Do you blame him when things don’t go to plan? Is it a matter of what we focus on we “attract” or is it really about perspective? Are you the kind of person that sees the cup as half fun or half empty?

Discuss.

Image via WikipediaI went to my training session today feeling a little bit flat and tired. It’s been a fairly busy few days for me and my body is feeling it.

Of course, once I got there and got started, it was amazing how much energy I uncovered. In fact, it never ceases to amaze me how much more I manage to do in my personal training sessions when compared to what I might achieve on my own.

As usual, today, there were a number of moments where my mind was going “there’s no way I can do that” and yet, somehow I manage to do it. Sometimes it’s only just. But I constantly surprise myself by doing things I honestly think are not possible.

Which has gotten me to thinking about how much we must limit ourselves by our own thoughts at times.

I had a similar experience to this with netball on Saturday. Before we’d even left home on Saturday morning, I had a feeling I was going to play better than I had been? Why? I’ve been in a bit of a “netball funk” for a few weeks now. Feeling very negative about myself and my lack of netball skills. With some help from a friend or two, I was feeling like I’d finally come out of that “funk”.

Not only did I play better (as far as I was concerned) but I also enjoyed the game a whole lot more and came away from it feeling positive (despite the fact that we lost).

I don’t think it matters how fit or skillful we are - a LOT of our successes and failures happen in the way we view things and the way we THINK.

It kinda makes me wonder what we could possibly achieve if we dared to believe in ourselves….

You may have seen mention around the Blogosphere of the passing of the world’s oldest blogger, Olive Riley. Olive’s words, through her blog, have inspired many people.

Admittedly, she did have some help with her blogging - by someone almost 70.

I get so inspired by those in the “grandparent” generation getting into new technology. I’m sure there are many who could run rings around me when it comes to technology. But then you get others that really don’t want to have anything to do with all things computer related.

My own grandfather is another one who has inspired me. He bought his first computer in his 80s. Before that he already had an email account set up that he used at the local library. He usually had to get the library staff to help him, but he wasn’t beyond asking for help and learning something new.

When my parents were studying at theological college, there was a lady there with a similar story. Already in her 70s, she was working her way towards her degree. Everyone commented on how inspirational she was.

Last night at netball training I was encouraged by a lecture the coach of another grade was giving her team. Our coach cancelled our training due to many of the team (including herself) being away. 3 of us ended up going to training anyway so we happened to be with this other grade when the coach was giving her team a lecture.

The theme of her lecture? You’re never to old to learn.

The reason for her lecture was that she was unhappy with the attitude of some members of her team. We’d been working through a drill earlier in the night which focused on practising our passes and she didn’t feel they were really paying enough attention to what was being said and shown.

Her main point was that it doesn’t matter how much we think we know or how old we are, there is always something we can learn.

To be honest, 90% of the time at netball I feel like a complete idiot (the other 10% of the time I’m so close to death I don’t care LOL).

When someone says “throw a lob”, everyone goes ahead and does it.

Me? I’m thinking….”what’s a lob, how do I throw it, when would I use it, I wish I didn’t have 2 hands, 2 feet AND a body to try and co-ordinate at the same time as throwing or catching a ball”.

To be honest it is REALLY easy to feel very discouraged, like a complete idiot and wonder why on earth I’m putting myself through this? Especially on the days when it just doesn’t feel like I’m having fun.

So even though I was a “ring in” (ie not part of her team) and she wasn’t really talking to me, it was a lecture that I found very inspirational. A reminder and an encouragement that we never know too much or get too old to learn.

On days when I’m thinking “what on earth am I doing trying to learn netball at 34?”, I need to remind myself that “I’m never too old to learn”. In a way I think being open to learning something new every day is the secret to “staying young”. And the secret to getting the most out of life.

Olive Riley leaves behind her a legacy that says “you’re never too old to learn”.

Is there something you’ve been putting off? Something that you’d like to learn how to do? Perhaps now would be the perfect time. How amazing would it be if we all chose to learn something new, in honor of Olive Riley, the world’s oldest blogger.

I haven’t blogged much about my Life Coaching in recent weeks. We’re taking a brief recess while I try to allow my body time to adjust to all the med changes it’s going through. I’m very PASSIONATE about the Life Coaching process but I’m also a believer in the fact that there is a time and a place for all things.

One of the things I have been working on as part of the Life Coaching process is a Visual Board of what I would like my life to be like in a year’s time. Some of you may recall that I really struggled with writing what I would like my life to be like in 5 years time.

The Life Coaching process has been really helping me to discover what I DO want for my life. While I think a longer time frame is good to think about, using the time from of “my life in a year’s time” was a good stepping stone for me.

I approached the task by simply making a few notes about things I wanted to change about my life now. Working through some values worksheets provided by Danielle (my life coach) helped me to systematically work through what things were/are REALLY important to me.

I was working through this process back in May and June and decided to choose my 35th birthday (July 2nd 2009) as a significant date for my “life in one year’s time” goals. In my mind it kind of marks a “theoretical half-way point” in my life and is also the time in which we expect to be heading off on our 3-month caravanning trip (a dream Farmboy and I have had since we first got married. Actually, it was MY dream but I rubbed off on him).

Danielle suggested that if I were a visual person, I might benefit from making a “vision board”. The concept really got me excited and while the process itself took a little longer than anticipated (I had a few little hang-ups that she helped me work through along the way that were causing me to procrastinate on putting the board together), it was HEAPS of fun and I feel really positive about my current direction in life.

It’s been finished for over a month now but I’m finally getting around to showing it to you. This is what it looks like (you can click on it for a slightly larger image):

I LOVE looking at it. It holds pride of place on a cupboard door in our office (where I spend quite a bit of my time).

Some of the main features include:

• Family time
• Me time
• Home grown food
• Caravan - holidaying, trip
• Healthy & Fit
• Healthy BMI
• Decluttered Living Spaces
• Feeling Positive
• Feeling Good About Myself

All of these things are important to me and feature as a focus in what I’m trying to achieve in my life.

I’ve found it interesting that the more I work through this process, the lower earning money seems to be on my list of “priorities”. It’s not that it no longer exists, I’m just realising it’s much less important to me than I thought it was. And I suspect that once I get these other areas sorted out, that might just fall into place a little more as well. Or at least I’ll be more ready to focus on it. Maybe. We’ll see.

It will be interesting to see how things go and how close my life matches my vision board in another 12 months.

What about you? Anyone else ever made themselves a vision board of some description? Did you find it helpful?

Image by Getty Images via DaylifeAs I was heading to bed last night, I caught the last minute of play in the AFL game between Port Adelaide and North Melbourne. The commentators were making some comment about a kick that was about to be made being a deciding kick for Port Adelaide’s season. If the player kicked a goal, they still had a chance for the finals. Talk about pressure on one player! He missed and my heart sank for him (which is interesting given I am NOT a fan of Port Power).

As the television flicked into darkness, I muttered “I hate sport”. And then proceeded to self analyse my own comment. I do. I hate watching sport. I also don’t really like playing card games. My problem? I feel too intensely for the losers. Don’t get me wrong, I like winning. I just can’t help but feel bad that having a winner usually means you also have to have a loser.

I’m not a very “sporty” person. I never have been. I used to think it was because I was lazy. Now I’m not so sure. I think it has more to do with my confidence. In the past I’ve ranted against school PE teachers. I found that my PE teachers strongly discriminated against anyone who wasn’t good at sport. Funnily enough, I doubt that would be tolerated in any other subject. Did my loathing of PE mean that I was simply lazy? I don’t think it did. Although I didn’t understand that at the time.

The problem I have with sport is not just the fact that you have losers. Have you ever noticed how the desire to win can cloud all other human decency? Is there a point when it’s okay that it’s all about the win? Or should it ALWAYS be all about the win?

Why can’t sport be about fun, fitness and friendship? I know that competition can help us to strive harder. And I’m not against that. In fact, I’m a big fan of competing against yourself. Probably a bit too big a fan because I know I’m too hard on myself in terms of expectations.

The last few months have been an interesting learning experience for me. Getting involved in a sporting club has been lots of fun and the sense of “belonging” is wonderful. I’ve been fortunate to be involved in a club that has really given me a lot of support and encouragement when it comes to getting involved.

But I’ve noticed a darker side to that which comes out when the desire to win overtakes the desire to be fair.

I know. Life’s not fair. I work hard to teach my children that very fact. But it doesn’t stop me bemoaning the fact that life isn’t fair. I desperately wish it were. For my children’s sake. And for mine. And for everyone else’s.

I wonder if we took all competitiveness out of the equation whether life would be more fair?

Maybe.

Maybe it would be less fun that way? I have no idea. I mean, winning IS fun. But should it be SO much the focus that for those of us who aren’t good at sport, playing is no longer fun? Or that we sit at home wishing we could play but not having the confidence to put ourselves out there?

I guess I can’t help but wonder whether Australia would have less of an obesity problem if sport was something that EVERYONE felt they could have a go at and enjoy, no matter what their level of fitness or ability?

What do you think? Would YOU have a go at sport if it truly didn’t matter what level of ability you had?