Lightening Online

WARNING: This post contains material which may cause jealousy.  If you struggle with the green eyed monster when it comes to romantic husbands, please do NOT read any further.  LighteningOnline.com cannot accept any responsibility for fits of jealous rage, pouting, sulking, foot stomping, whining or any other behaviours or actions that may result from reading this post.  You do so at your own risk. 

You may have noticed that I haven’t been around much over the past couple of weeks.  My family have been staying at our in laws shack over the Christmas and New Year period.  I’ve popped back home a couple of times for quick “do the washing and other stuff” type reasons but for the most part we’ve been relaxing at the beach.

Farmboy’s sister and her family have also been staying there.  Between us we have 5 children although put together it can seem like 10 some days.  LOL.  It’s been lots of fun though.  My SIL called us back before Christmas and kindly offered to have our children for a night so that Farmboy and I could have a nice romantic night away.  Being the romantic practical person that he is, Farmboy suggested that instead of booking in to a nice romantic establishment by the seaside somewhere along the coast, that we instead come HOME.  Actually, this suited me quite well as at least I have internet access at home and could get a desperately needed “fix” while we were here!  Of course, this came with the added bonus of him being able to squeeze in some farmwork not having to book for any set night AND of course, not having to pay for any accomodation getting to sleep in our own bed! 

As it turned out, it was a good thing we decided to go this way as our youngest hadn’t been well so we brought him home with us too.  A nice romantic evening for two three.

We had to stop in for some food on our way home as I’d cleared out our fridge and taken all our fresh food down to the shack.  DH told me to leave everything to him, so I did!

Here’s what he rolled out……

Entre (we have this so seldom, I’m not even sure how to spell it!!!)

Freshly prepared prawn cocktails (my favourite)

Main Course

Flame grilled t-bone steak (from our 1/2 cow in the freezer) served with bbq roasted zucchini (freshly picked from the garden), carrots (some in fridge from the 5kg I bought before Christmas) and potato.  Accompanied by pink champagne (also my favourite).

To say it was delicious almost doesn’t do it justice.  It was suberb!!!!  Farmboy is sure turning into the BBQ king around here!

Pampering

We were so full after that we decided to postpone dessert until after our 4 year old was in bed.  Once he was safely tucked away DH ran a bath in our spa bath and we relaxed in the spa with more champagne, fresh strawberries and some Ferrero Rochers.    Twas delightful.  He even added some of my peppermint bath salts to the bath.  And gave me a foot massage in the bath.

Dessert (yes, there was still dessert to come after all of that!!!)

Strawberry cheesecake (generic - because we both really like the local generic brand cheesecake) served with ice cream and fresh cream and garnished with extra strawberries.  He was going to add a swirl of strawberry sauce to the plate but we didn’t have any left.  It’s the thought that counts though!

It was a really lovely evening!    The next morning when I woke up, he cooked me bacon and eggs for breakfast as well!!!  While he popped out to do a few jobs around the farm (like make sure the sheep had enough water), I treated myself to a microdermabrasian facial (I’ve been slack with skin care while we’ve been at the beach) and defuzzed with some Nair (I’m allergic to pain so waxing doesn’t really rate as an option for me!) and dry brushed my skin.  It was so lovely to take a little time out for myself.  DH took The Bomb with him so I had some nice quiet alone time (always something to be cherished!).

Estimated Costings and Savings:

Spa Room overnight $200

3 course dinner for 2 with champagne $150 (at least)

Cooked Breakfast for 2 $50

Massage $50

Hair Removal $30

Facial $30+

Total Potential Cost $500+

Total cost to us for food, champagne etc approx $60 (not including food already on hand)

That’s a pretty massive saving isn’t it?  Who said frugality had to be about deprivation?

Isn’t my DH a very clever bunny?  And a most adorable hunny?  Jealous yet? 

I am REALLY bad at asking for help. It’s a pride thing, I know. But I wonder if it’s also a cultural thing. Once upon a time neighbours were more aware of people’s situations and therefore their struggles and would automatically lend a hand at times. These days it would seem that a combination of our busy lifestyles and our desire not to “interfere” has made that sense of community gradually disappear.

Isn’t it sad that our lives are so busy that we find it hard to fit in reaching out to another? Isn’t it sad that our desire for privacy and “individuality” has caused us to shut others out of our lives?

What about help within a family? DH and I have been talking about this lately. We’ve been trying to work out why his parents seem to want to help his sister and her family and yet seem reluctant to help us out - even when it seems really obvious to us that we’re in need of some help. At first I thought perhaps it was the son/daughter issue. BUT, he has 2 sisters and only one of them gets the attention and the help.

Is it that they’re not interested in helping us? Do they love her more than they love my DH and the other siblings? Does she appear more “needy” than the rest of us?

Sadly, DH and I have come to the conclusion that the only way to get help from his mother is to basically “tell her” this is what’s happening. Occasionally I have gotten to the point of actually asking her for help, only to have her turn me down. This was very perplexing to me as it takes me quite a lot to actually ask for help and when I ask, I’m really DESPERATE. Not that she would know that I guess.

DH has taken over the “asking” now and he basically says “we need you to have the kids…..”. And 99% of the time that works out well. I struggle a little because I feel like we’re being “demanding” and that we shouldn’t expect anything from her. We should wait until it’s offered. I guess we’ve waited for over a decade now…… It’s not that she doesn’t really want to help. It’s sort of a case of “the squeaky wheel gets the oil”.

I guess on reflecting on all of this I feel a great sadness. A sadness that we’ve all let our lives get so busy that we just don’t have the time to reach out to others when they’re in need. I know that before my breakdown I was as guilty of this as anyone. I also feel sad that many people feel they need to put on an act of “having it all together” and not opening up to others about how they’re really feeling. Again, I’m really bad at this myself.

So many people have commented at how shocked they were when I had my breakdown. Nobody could even imagine that I’d be struck by something like depression. Even my poor DH was rather shocked by the whole event. Me, well…..I knew something wasn’t right and that if things kept going the way they were I felt like I was going to collapse in a heap. To be honest, I did try to tell my DH about it. He thought he could “fix it”. He’s Mr “fixit” himself. He and I make for a bad mix when it comes to getting help because neither of us is very good at admitting when we need it.

I wanted to tell someone. For months I had it in my head that if an opportunity would come up, I would say something to one of my closest friends. Sadly, the opportunity never came up. Maybe I was supposed to *make* the opportunity. Maybe I was so used to putting on a “front” that I didn’t know how to let down my guard enough to show people the tank underneath had run completely dry.

When I saw a Psychiatrist for the first time in January of this year, he diagnosed me with having zero self esteem. Not “low” self esteem but “NO” self esteem. I remember sitting and talking with a friend about this (finally getting to the point of opening up and being more honest) and she was rather shocked. Her comment went something along the lines of thinking that no-one would EVER have picked that about me. Do people really see me so much differently to the way I see myself? Sometimes, I’d really like the opportunity to just sneak a peek at the way others see me. Curious minds want to know and all that.

It’s ironic that now I sit behind a keyboard and spill my guts in such a very public way. Not that the whole world reads my blog or anything. But they could if they wanted to…..

In 2006 I was out of circulation for many months. In that time I was sent 1 card. Just the one. If I had been in hospital, do you think I might have received more cards than that? Don’t get me wrong. We weren’t abandoned by our friends or anything like that. Many people from our church cooked meals and cakes for us. I did receive a few emails. And people were constantly asking my DH how I was going and sending their regards and love via him.

But just 1 person of all the people in my life took the time to actually sit down, write a card and send it. To be perfectly honest, that hurt me a little bit. I know my friends care. I know how busy they are. And it’s challenged me to consider how often in my life I’ve stopped and taken the time to write someone a card. Just a note to let them know I’m thinking of them. Nowhere near often enough.

I have been as guilty as anyone else of filling my life up to capacity and then some. Running from one thing to another. Constantly on the go. Constantly running so close to empty that there’s nothing left to give another person. The hearts desire might be there. But if I don’t act on it, how can that person ever know I was thinking of them?

I think we all need to take a step back and really examine our lives. Are we too busy to help someone in need? Are we too busy to bake a cake for our own family, let alone find the time to bake a cake for a neighbour or friend? Are we so busy trying to tread water ourselves that we don’t even notice those drowning around us? And if we do notice - are we in a position to help them without drowning ourselves?

This is a challenge I want to take on myself and I encourage any of you reading this to do so also. As we move into the busy, festive season and then in to a New Year. Do we really want to keep living this fast paced life where people don’t matter enough to us? Can we pause a moment and take a step back long enough to look around us and see how others are doing? Can we pop a little note or card in the post telling someone how much they mean to us?

What can we do today to make someone smile? What can we do to make their day just that little bit brighter?

Some of you may have noticed I’ve changed the title of this blog. I felt the old title was rather long and cumbersome. The definitions I’ve posted underneath are my own. They’re not who I AM but who I desire to be.

What can you do today to spread a little “lightening” in the world.

….the newest addition to our family. And my new “best friend” (well, almost “best” - after all, he can’t quite replace my DH now can he?).

This is Rufus (I think that’s what I’m going to call him). Everyone wave and say “hello Rufus”. LOL. My DH bought him for me. After being together 13+ years this is the first teddy bear he’s ever bought me.

Now before you go “awwww….your DH is so sweet” (which he is by the way) I should tell you that he bought me this teddy because I asked him to. LOL.

When we met I owned about 65 soft toys. I imagine he thought I didn’t need anymore. Well, in a way he’d have been right. Throughout my teenage years, my soft toy collection seemed to grow exponentially. Some were gifts from friends and family. Many were from those soft toy machines (have you seen them? With that claw thing you have to grab them with?). I had a boyfriend who was very adept at getting things out of those machines. I even had one that had been won in a sideshow at the Royal Melbourne Show (by a different guy). That was in the days before they fell apart in the first 24 hours.

Now a couple of HUGE garbage bags of soft toys isn’t so bad when you’re on your own. It even isn’t too bad when you have a husband to share a house with. As the kids arrived and started being given their own soft toys, I decided it was time to part with some of my own. I had to do it as a gradual process as they really were true friends to me and parting with them wasn’t easy.

I also wondered how healthy it was for my marriage to have so many soft toys given to me by other males so it seemed fitting that I gradually let go of those. The fond memories remain of course. But it was time to allow those memories to be a part of my past and not my present.

A number of weeks ago it suddenly occured to me that my DH had never bought me a soft toy of any description. I turned to him and said “you’ve never bought me a teddy”. I think he wondered where that had come from. I continued the conversation with “I want you to buy me a teddy”.

One thing I’ve learnt about males in my almost 12 years of marriage is that if you don’t tell them what you want (in a nice way of course), they have no idea. It’s not that they don’t care or they’re not thoughtful. They just don’t seem to *know*. Well, that’s what my DH is like anyway.

So, did he rush out and buy me a soft toy? No. He promptly forgot all about the conversation. LOLOL. So the other day I said to him “you haven’t bought me a teddy yet” and he admitted that he had forgotten. One thing my mental health issues have taught me is to have more compassion for people who forget things. I’ve always had a good memory and have found DH’s lack of memory at times quite frustrating. Of course, I’ve also found my own lack of memory in recent times quite frustrating. But at least now I understand that he doesn’t mean to forget.

Well, the other day he remembered. I hadn’t given it another thought since our conversation (during which I also told him a great place to go would be the Post Office) so when he turned up with this teddy, I was still surprised in spite of the fact that it was all my idea in the first place. LOL. This teddy is quite a bit bigger than what I had in mind. But he is incredibly soft and oh so cuddly. Just what I need when DH isn’t available to give me a *real* hug.

Another thing that has really helped my communication and relationship with my DH has been understanding a little about the five love languages. My primary love language is the giving and receiving of gifts. For a long time I struggled with the fact that I was so “materialistic” when in fact, it was simply that “gifts” is my primary love language. A flower picked from the garden can have as much meaning to me as an expensive diamond ring when it comes to the expression of love that I feel upon receiving it.

If you’ve never heard of the 5 Love Languages, I would encourage you to click on that link and have a read. It can really make a massive difference to your relationship. To give you a quick overview, the 5 love languages are said to be:

* Words of Affirmation

* Quality Time

* Receiving Gifts

* Acts of Service

* Physical Touch

My DH’s primary love language is words of affirmation. As this rates fairly low on my own list, I wasn’t giving him the words that he needed. It’s not easy to express love in a love language that isn’t your own. It takes quite a lot of effort and retraining the way you think. But it is so worth it if you want to take your relationship to a whole new level of understanding and depth.

The love languages are also so important when it comes to our children. If we don’t speak love to them in their own language - they’re not going to hear the message “I love you”. So far each of our children has had a different love language - different from each other and also different from us. In fact, if our youngest child, whose love language is difficult to determine yet, turns out to have the love language “Acts of Service” then we’ll have all 5 love languages within our family.

It’s not always easy to determine what you or your loved ones love language is. For instance, my top 2 are very close. The second one for me is “acts of service” and it took a while for me to even decide whether is in fact was “gifts” or “service” that was my primary love language they were so close. Over time, I’ve come to the conclusion that “gifts” is actually a stronger love language for me than “service”.

The easiest way to determine your primary love language is to pay attention to the way that you most automatically express love. I enjoy doing things for people. But I LOVE to give gifts. Big gifts, little gifts, whatever. I just get a LOT of satisfaction from giving things to people. My DH likes to tell me how much he loves me. If I give him gifts and he tells me he loves me, we’re both speaking our OWN language but what it means to the other may not be the same as what it would mean to us. Of course, now that we understand each others primary love language, it is also easier to understand the love that we’re trying to speak to one another (even if it isn’t our own preferred method of receiving love).

When I talk about a primary love language, it doesn’t mean that the rest of the languages don’t exist for us. In fact, we all give and receive love in all 5 of those ways at different times. And it is important that we do receive love in all of those ways. It’s simply that 1 or 2 of those “languages” will speak to us more loudly than the others.

The website www.fivelovelanguages.com is a great resource with lots of information to read. Dr Gary Chapman has written a number of books on the topic but you’ll find quite a lot on his website as well.

Now back to the teddy. It took me a long time to get to the point where I was comfortable with telling my DH what I wanted. I always thought that if he loved me enough, he would just *know* what it was I wanted. It just doesn’t work like that. His not knowing is not a reflection on how much he cares about me. It’s just who he is.

So if your DH is the kind that never buys you the right present (or any present), consider coming right out and telling him what you would like. If you like surprises for Christmas - don’t be surprised if your surprise is no present. Instead, why not ask him if he’d like you to write a list of ideas for him. After a number of years my DH has worked out that “stationery” is always on my list. So he’ll now tend to get me stationery if he needs a gift idea. But he didn’t come to that conclusion on his own. He had to have it written down in black and white in front of him for a long time before it etched itself into his brain.

Unless your DH or any other male in your life is an exceptional being, he aint gonna figure it out by hints and whining. In fact, I think males might have one of those tune out sensors when it comes to the whine. LOL. Just use a pleasant voice and come out and tell him what you would like. And you may have to do it more than once - if he’s anything like my DH, he will forget. LOL.

Well, out of all the teddy bears and soft toys that I have owned in my life, Rufus is by far the most special. It hasn’t mattered one little bit that I had to prompt my DH to buy him for me. All that matters is that he’s been hand chosen by the most important person in the world to me. And I won’t be decluttering either of them!