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It was a scientific process deciding when I should bite the bullet and take the final step from 37.5mg Efexor (Venlafaxine) to nothing. We wanted to wait until after our trip to Canberra and after the kids went back to school. On Monday, the first day of term, we ended up having to leave early for Lleyton’s ultrasound appointment and I forgot to take my meds before we left. So I figured it was as good a time as any to take the plunge into the final step of withdrawal.

Very scientific indeed.

NOT!!!

And maybe not as well thought out as it should have been.

With the stress of Lleyton’s injury and having him home constantly meaning I haven’t had time to myself (not that he’s any trouble), it probably hasn’t been the easiest of times to go through this withdrawal.

Still, it hasn’t been too bad, all things considered.

The worst moment so far would have to have been during the second night when I woke up feeling like someone had just turned the power on for my nervous system. You know what it’s like when the power has been off and it suddenly comes on and you can hear the hum of the fridge and anything else that was on when it went off? Everything seems louder until your brain adjusts to the small background noises things like fridge motors make.

It was a horrible feeling - almost like I’d imagine it would be like to stick my finger in a power socket (not that I’ve ever tried to know for sure).

Fortunately it only lasted a few hours.

Other than that, my head constantly goes in waves of a kind of dizziness/headiness. It’s hard to describe but I sure hope it goes away soon.

TIPS FOR COPING WITH EFEXOR/EFFEXOR/VENLAFAXINE WITHDRAWAL

For anyone who finds this via a search for coming off of effexor (or any readers that might go through this), here are a few things that I found have helped my process so far:

1. Exercise. It’s not always the easiest thing to do but it REALLY does help. I find at least 30 minutes and at a level that causes you to sweat (intervals of higher intensity and then lower intensity seems to work well).
2. Be Kind To Yourself. Try not to take on too much at the same time as your body is adjusting (I’ve totally broken that this time around).
3. Know What Makes You Feel Good. Before you start the withdrawal process, have some ideas of things that will make you feel good and help pass the interim time. I have a few girlie movies that have been great for when I need to rest and have something to distract me.
4. Eat Healthily. Another tough one when you’re feeling shocking.
5. Paracetamol. Paracetamol has been my best friend during the withdrawal process. It even seems to help with the head spins and dizziness.

Sidenote to Regular Readers

At the time this post goes to publish, I’ll be in Adelaide visiting a specialist with Lleyton. At this stage (before we leave) we’re unsure what the outcome of that visit will be. Best case scenario is that we’ll be home again by tonight and you won’t even know I’ve been gone. Not so best case scenario is that he’ll need some sort of treatment for whatever is causing his problems, in which case, I may get delayed and there’ll be a lack of posts for a few days. If this happens, keep an eye on the comments in this post for any news.

I’ve been toying with writing a post like this for a while now and given that today is World Mental Health Day, it seemed like as good a time as any. My memory of the darkest days is a little patchy but I wanted to share with you a few of the snippets I do remember of this time in my life. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I don’t mind talking about it.

****

“I can’t go out there. If I do, they’ll want a piece of me and I don’t have any pieces left”, my mind gasped. It was like there wasn’t enough oxygen for my brain to breathe. Every thought took a painstaking amount of energy and left me beyond exhausted.

****

The sound of a car coming up the drive caused me to dive underneath my husbands desk. It was like my own personal emotional bomb shelter. Somewhere in the deep dark recesses of my brain I wondered at how sane my behaviour was. But it wasn’t enough to stop what I was doing. Convinced that if I stayed here long enough and quiet enough, the car in the drive would drive back out again and not know I was here. If I curled up tightly enough, maybe I would magically disappear and the world would become right again.

****

Driving up to the intersection, I could tell that I was moving on autopilot. Perhaps I should have declined when Farmboy needed my help to drop him off at another farm. But I just didn’t care enough to have an opinion either way. My eyes could see the green in the trees but my mind was seeing everything a dull grey. Would I make it home or would I drive straight through the intersection?

****

“You can’t put the crop in this year”, I told Farmboy night after night, invisible tears forming in the dark. He thought I was joking. Maybe I was. But I don’t think so. The sense of panic formed like a bubble within me. I pushed hard, trying to pop it. Was I tittering on the brink of sanity? I just didn’t think I could become a single mother for 6 weeks. I always feel this way leading up to crop sewing time don’t I? And I always manage. I have to. What other option is there?

****

I don’t have any orange t-shirts for Harmony Day. My kids are going to be scarred for life. I’m a hopeless excuse for a mother. I just don’t know if I can keep doing this. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Why didn’t anyone tell me it was going to be this hard? The air feels thick and hard to breathe. I feel like I’m living in jelly. Every move takes more effort than usual. The jelly has infiltrated my brain because every thought takes more effort as well.

****

I sank down on the floor on DH’s side of the bed, letting my head fall onto the bed as I did so. Hot, salty tears ran silently down my face as inside my silent screams echoed in my head. Sure that I was going mad, I thought I would end up in a mental institution and life as I had known it was over for good. It felt worse than dying. In death, I imagined peace. In this, I was trapped in a body that couldn’t seem to function. It was like I was watching what was happening to me, powerless to stop it.

****

As you can imagine, this was a very scary period of time in my life. Looking back now (hindsight being a wonderful thing and all), I can see how for quite some time I felt like I was living on the brink. Putting one foot in front of the other because I really didn’t know what else to do but constantly feeling like I was going to fall apart at any second.

In the months before the actual breakdown I would burst into tears over what seemed to be the silliest things (actually, that had been happening for over 2 years - since my youngest had been born). I then started waking in the middle of the night, crying for “no real reason”.

Had we known then what we know now, I doubt we would have let things go on for so long. Pushing myself to zero emotional energy has meant that my recovery time has been long and hard. I know now that it takes me a lot less time to recover from an emotional energy level of 1 (still low) than it does if I push all the way back to zero. It’s like the difference between taking a step when you’re already standing as opposed to the effort it takes to take one step if you’re sitting on the ground.

How do I know that I had a nervous breakdown? That was my GP’s diagnosis. I reached the point where my brain said “enough” and simply shut down. Forming a sentence was close to impossible. I had no recall memory whatsoever. Eating was close to impossible. In short, I was pretty much unable to function normally.

Wikipedia defines it as:

an attack of depression or anxiety so severe that it prevents a person from continuing to function normally.

My biggest fear was that I would be put into hospital or an institution. I couldn’t bear to be around people at all. The thought of having different nurses around me all the time simply made me want to throw up. I was lucky that I had a supportive husband. I think he spent a long time thinking that we could somehow solve the problem ourselves but once he finally realised the extent of what was happening, he was willing and able to support my recovery in the home environment.

It’s now been 2 and a half years since my breakdown. I have made lots of progress in that time although I have yet to make a full recovery.

I know it shocked a lot of people that this happened to me. I’m not sure how well I fit the “mould” of mental illness from an outsiders perspective. One thing I do know is that mental illness can happen to anyone.

If you feel you might be struggling with it, please talk to someone. Don’t do what I did and leave it until your body has no choice but to simply shut down on you in order to get the message across. It can be very scary to admit but there is a lot of help and understanding out there now. And the more we talk about it, the more that awareness and understanding will build.

I remember in the early days of my nervous breakdown having the thought that I was going mad and life as I had known it to that point was over. Both Farmboy and my GP told me basically the same thing. “If you think you’re going mad then chances are you aren’t”. That was there way of telling me I wasn’t really going mad, even though I thought perhaps I was.

I wonder if the same principle holds true for rationality? Because right now I’m not sure how rational I’m being. Does the fact that I’m worried about how rational I am mean that I AM rational? Or is it an indication that the wheels are falling off the wagon.

When I first deliberated over whether or not to come off this particular medication, Kelley promised me she’d let me know if she noticed a change in my blogposts. How am I going Kell?

Lately I’ve been more teary than normal and struggling to cope with day to day life. And I can’t figure out if it’s a delayed reaction to my latest medication decrease or whether I’m just going through a rough patch at the moment.

I’m one who will often self doubt. Well, pretty much always actually. I know it’s not healthy. And I AM working on it. Or at least TRYING to.

The thing is, right now I’m really NOT SURE if my thought processes are rational. They might sound rational. But does that mean they ARE rational. And if they’re not, how will I know?

I mean, what is rational really? Is whatever our own reality is or appears rational?

I could go look up rational in the dictionary but I feel like just brain dumping my thoughts on you guys instead.

So, what do you think? How would you define/describe rational and how do you tell if someone is being rational or not?

Image via WikipediaI have just come through my next phase of weaning off Effexor. The bump as I decreased my dosage was a little bit of a smaller bump this time.

Thankfully.

I’m now down to 37.5mg which is what is generally used for getting people onto and off of Effexor. It was the dose I started on a few years back.

Here is a bit of an overview of my experiences so far:

225mg - 150mg

A reasonably low key change. I had about a week where I wasn’t quite feeling “myself” but nothing too significant.

150mg-75mg

This was the most noticable in terms of side effects with day 2 being the absolute worst. Overall I would say that the first 3 days are the worst and within the space of a week, I was actually feeling BETTER than before the dosage decrease.

75mg-37.5mg

I noticed a small amount of headiness for the first 3 days. I’ve also been fairly emotional since this decrease and I’m finding it difficult to determine if this is due to what has been happening around me or the dosage decrease.

My advice to anyone who is going through weaning off Effexor:

• Listen to your doctor. If you feel you can’t trust your doctor, find one you can. DON’T try to go it alone. I have read some horrible accounts of people withdrawing from Effexor cold turkey.
• DON’T panic. Some of the stuff I’ve read on the internet is down right SCARY. So far, any side effects I’ve had have been TEMPORARY.
• DO be kind to yourself. Your body is going through significant adjustments and it may need time and rest.
• DON’T try and make any significant decisions while you’re going through this process.
• DO find someone you can trust to support you through the process.

From what I’ve read, the bump from something (no matter how small) to nothing is the biggest bump. But I’ve come this far and I’m hopeful the final bump will be manageable. I’ll be on this dose for a few more weeks yet. That gives my body time to fully adjust and gives me a break from the withdrawal process.

Overall I seem to be coping pretty well and it is nice to be able to really FEEL again. I feel more like myself than I have in quite a number of years. Obviously, if my body wasn’t ready for this, things would be different.

(Sidenote: The word Effexor gets picked up by my spam filter when you try to leave a comment. If you get a message about moderation, don’t panic. If you click on ” Yes, post my comment”, your comment should go through fine. The automoted spam bots can’t read that message and therefore don’t know to click on “yes, post my comment”).

Interestingly enough, Zemanta has suggested a couple of my own posts as possible related articles for this one. That makes life easier than having to go looking for them myself.

Related articles by Zemanta

• One More Step Along the Road I Go
• D Day

Image by __Olga__ via Flickr

Welcome to any readers who have clicked through to here from my post on Problogger.  As a personal blog, this blog covers a wide range of topics relevant to my own life including my recovery from post natal depression, life as a farmer’s wife, parenting and my journey to discover more of who I really am.  You can read a little more on my “About” page and also find a photograph of me if you’re the kind of person who likes a visual of who is sitting behind the keyboard.

If personal blogs aren’t your thing, you might be interested in one of my other blogs.

On all things blogging: Lightening’s Blogworld

My spiritual side: For I Know The Plans I Have For You

Gardening and my journey toward a more self sufficient lifestyle: Lightening’s Garden 

If you’d like to subscribe to get my posts in your feedreader click here. 

My latest post can be viewed below. 

When I left home yesterday, I was determined that no matter what my Psychiatrist said, I was going to come OFF of Effexor. That was what I wanted and that was what I was determined to get.

However, something hit me as I was sitting drinking tea in the waiting room. Life is GOOD. Life hasn’t been THIS good in over 5 years. It’s not perfect. I’m not what I would consider 100% back to my “old self”. But I have finally reached a level of “quality of life” where I feel I could live with this.

The whole process of weaning off my current level of medication began when Farmboy and I basically said to the Psychiatrist “if this is as good as it gets, it’s not good enough”. I was on the highest dose my body would tolerate (having been higher and not being able to function) which meant we couldn’t keep going up.

My body had also started to go backwards in terms of “getting better”.

Mental Health being the exact science that it isn’t, the recommendation of the Psychiatrist at that point was to come off the Effexor and “see what happens”. In his mind, one of two things could be happening.

The first was that my body was no longer responding to the Effexor and we needed to try another medication option.

The second was that my brain no longer required the medication and was therefore actively fighting it.

Either way, the only way to tell was to come completely OFF the Effexor and see what happened.

Worst case scenario, I would lose about 3 or so months of my life to “nothingness” until we could get me weaned off the Effexor and onto something else. Best case scenario, I would improve on the lower doses indicating that perhaps my brain was ready to “go it alone” without medical intervention.

What occurred to me yesterday as I was waiting to see the doctor was that I hadn’t considered an “in between” stage. Perhaps my body is on it’s WAY to recovery and a lower dose of Effexor is what it needs right now.

What if I come off the Effexor (and go through the withdrawals - of which the final stage of getting down to zero Effexor is known to be the worst), only to find I need it and have to go back on it (knowing that I’ll have to then go through the withdrawal process again).

All this to say, I’m not coming off. YET. We’ve postponed the decision for another 5 weeks.

In the meantime, there is one more intermediate dose reduction that I’m going to try. This dose isn’t really a dose in itself and is more of a stepping stone to getting on and off Effexor. It will enable me to cut down on what I’m taking without going through the final withdrawal. If the reduction poses any significant problems, I can return to what I’m currently taking.

I feel like I’m kind of hedging my bets right now. It’s about time I had that option rather than feeling like I have to jump off the cliff with no idea of what is below.

It’s taken me 2 years to get to this point in my recovery. What’s another 5 weeks just to be sure we’re on the right path?

Image via WikipediaToday is DECISION day for us. I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist and we need to make the final decision about how and when I’ll come off my current medications. Oh, I guess first we’ll need to make the final decision as to IF I will come off. I’m part-way there but no decision has been made on the absolute of coming all the way off.

I know what I want. So it’s a matter of filling the Psychiatrist in on what has happened thus far and then getting his input on what he feels is the best course of action.

I’ve come this far in the weaning process and I want OFF. I don’t mind if I need to consider an alternative down the track but I feel that Effexor and I have come as far as we can together and it’s time for us to part ways.

I’m also planning on doing some shopping and eating great food. Should be a good day I think. And nice for Farmboy and I to spend some time together sans kids. It feels like about 2 months since we’ve had a decent conversation with each other.

I’ll fill you in on the outcome of today in my post tomorrow.

Catch you all when I get back.

P.S. How do you like the specky picture I found (okay, Zemanta found)? That’s apparently what Effexor looks like.

Image via WikipediaWhy is it that Effexor is spelt 2 different ways? I can never remember which way around it is but it’s spelt with 1 “f” (ie Efexor) in one place and with 2 “f’s” in another (comparing Australia and the US here). It’s all Venlafaxine. Why have they chosen to use 2 different spellings? Bizarre.

I think this blog post is going to be just as bizzare because I am having the worst head-spins ever and probably shouldn’t be trying to write at all.

In fact, the decision about whether or not to blog my withdrawal process from Effexor is a tricky one in itself. You see, I’m not “anti” anti-depressant drugs. And I know when I was first taking Effexor, I did a google search and totally freaked myself out about the possible issues with getting off it again. I was already on it by then but if I’d googled BEFORE I started taking it I may have not wanted to start in the first place.

So let me just say that it is NOT an evil drug. I know a LOT of people have been helped by this drug. In fact, I have been helped by this drug. In the end, not quite enough to keep taking it. I have read others who’ve pronounced it evil because of the difficulties withdrawing. I’ve also read reports from people who didn’t have any trouble withdrawing at all.

Just putting that out there in case anyone happens to stumble upon this post via google search at a later date. Please remember that everyone’s experience is different.

Now I’ve gotten all that out of the way I need to say this:

Withdrawal SUCKS!!!!

At least, today it does.

Last night I got incredibly ITCHY. An anti-histamine helped a little with that and at least helped me sleep as well. So well I slept in until 9.30am this morning and at 12.30 I’m STILL groggy.

I’m getting head-spins and nausea (which I think is probably a result of the head-spins). It’s a familiar feeling I’ve had before when I’ve forgotten to take my meds.

I remember the itchiness when I first went on the Effexor. It may not be related to the effexor withdrawal. I don’t know.

If you’re feeling sorry for me right now, please send copious amounts of chocolate to PO Box… LOL. Just kidding.

I WILL get through this. Others have. I will. So will you (for anyone reading this that has come from a search engine).

3pm Update: Paracetamol seems to have kicked in and head-spins are a LOT less now. Yah for Paracetamol!!!

Next Day Update: Today is day 3 of this reduction and day 2 was by far the worst.  I’m tired and slightly heady but a HUGE improvement on yesterday.  If you’re going through this, hang in there.  It DOES get better.  {{{HUGS}}} 

Travelling T-Shirt News

In unrelated news, the travelling t-shirt has landed at it’s first destination.

If you’re visiting here as a result of the travelling t-shirt. Hi! I promise I don’t always whine. Sometimes I’m quite happy even! You can make me even happier by clicking on that pretty pink button in the sidebar and subscribing to my feed. It makes me feel all loved and special like.

For my regular readers, I will be updating the Travelling T-Shirt page each time a new post goes up. If you want to follow it’s progress, you can find updates there or follow me on Twitter where I’ll be tweeting it’s new location each time it changes blogs.

If you’re interested in sponsoring the travelling t-shirt giveaway, please contact me.

Image via WikipediaMy roller coaster ride continues.

The constant motion and unpredictability is making me feel ill.

I want to pull the emergency stop handle.

But there isn’t one.

The relief as the cart starts to slowly climb up a peak is immense.

This trough is over.

For now.

But the feeling of dread as I perch precariously on the precipice is nauseating.

It’s a long way down.

And I don’t want to go back there.

I feel lost. Jaded. Uncertain.

Once upon a time the internet provided for me a haven from the world.

Now it’s showing itself to be just as hurtful and ugly as the real world.

The honeymoon period only lasts for so long.

And reality bites.

I can move on. Find new friends. New groups. New outlets.

Start the honeymoon period all over again.

But that won’t change reality.

And reality bites.

I’m lost. Uncertain. Feeling alone and unsure.

And hurt.

People have an amazing power to hurt us.

I’m learning that the internet world isn’t immune from that sad fact.

The urge to gouge holes in my arms is intense.

It doesn’t make any sense.

But the urge is there regardless.

Some days nothing makes sense.

I hope my cart starts to climb again soon.

Image by abuckingham via FlickrWhat goes up must come down.

That’s what they say right?

I feel like I’m living on a Rollercoaster right now.

Not that I’ve ever been on a Rollercoaster.

I’m not a big fan of those kind of rides.

More of a Ferris Wheel girl.

Slow and steady (maybe even graceful???? LOL Or not.)

This week seems to have been a week of intense highs.

Followed by really low lows.

And I’m exhausted.

I think you have to come down from the highs. Because they’re the exhausting part. Not that life would be quite the same without them.

But I’m feeling like I could with less of the extreme. In both directions.

Because the depth of the lows after an intense high are not much fun.

Not that I want to wish away the good stuff that has happened in the past week.

I just wish I didn’t feel quite so out of control of my emotional swings.

Or something like that.

---

In unrelated news.  Netball training was last night.  My only exercise so far this week as things turned out.  Which is no-ones fault but my own. I’m quite capable of exercising at home. I just didn’t.Training is always challenging. But I like it that way.

There is so much to learn and my poor wittle brain doesn’t always keep up with the speed of play (which is actually quite slow compared to other grades but anyway….).

So much for being a positive influence. I had my slack moments last night (shh….don’t tell the coach, she wasn’t there at that moment ).

I had it covered though. “My girl” didn’t get the ball either. She was collapsed on the ground not that far away from me.

It was all sorted. As long as she didn’t get the ball, my job was done.

All that aside, it was a very satisfying training session.

They tell me I’m improving each week.

So I’m happy with that.

---

I had a phone report with the Psychiatrist yesterday.  Well, Farmboy did the “reporting”. I’m still pretty “phone phobic” a lot of the time.So far we’re reasonably happy with my progress on the decreased dosage of medication.

Which means next week I start the next stage of reduction.

So if I go any loopier than usual (if that’s even possible), that might be why.

But hopefully I won’t.

---

My counsellor is back from her international holiday this week.  My nightmares are also back.Not quite as bad this time though.

It’s all part of the healing process I think.

---

So it’s Friday.  And yet again I haven’t written a Tightwad Gazette Discussion post.Because I feel more like dribbling than thinking.

You won’t all leave me if I “dribble” occasionally will you???

What about if I “dribble” all the time?

Please say you’ll stay with me no matter what.

Cos I’m kinda needy like that.

---

And I REALLY HATE it when my wordpress editor thinks it knows better than me about how I want my posts spaced. So this doesn’t necessarily look like I want it to.   But I’m gonna publish it anyway.

I’m quite a fan of Motivational Speaker Craig Harper. In fact, I subscribe to his blog so that I can get regular doses of his wisdom and inspiration. I’m actually kind of surprised that someone that is such a popular speaker and writer would give of themselves so freely by way of a blog that anyone can read and participate in. I think it shows a lot about his HEART.

This morning I read his post Mind of a Teacher, Heart of a Student and something within that post really spoke to me. He talks about a man he met at a conference he was speaking at named Bobby Cappucchio.

Here’s an excerpt from the post that really stood out to me:

It’s so incredible what we can do when we find a way, rather than find an excuse. There were so many reasons for Bobby to be anything but amazing and nobody would have blamed him. But he chose to live an amazing existence and to be the most he could, with what he has. And he has done it incredibly well.

I hope you do too.

At that moment it hit me right between the eyes that I really DO want more from my life. Those around me that have heard my story are quick to say that I haven’t had the easiest of lives. People haven’t always treated me well and I’ve allowed them to continue doing so into my adult life because I didn’t feel that I deserved anything better.

For a long time I felt that because there were people out there who’d had worse childhood’s than mine, any hardship I may have experienced didn’t count. It wasn’t the worst therefore it had to have been okay. I guess through counselling and having the support of professionals around me, I’m realising that there were things that weren’t OKAY and trying to say they were okay is actually hindering my recovery process.

It’s not easy because I’m very quick to blame myself for things that happen. Even now I have moments of doubt where I think that all of my struggles are in my head and a result of me misunderstanding my whole childhood.

I guess the fact remains that whatever intent my parents had, it didn’t change the fact that I FELT unwanted, unloved, insecure and worthless. It has taken a long time for my counsellor to get through to me that my feelings are VALID irrespective of how anyone else might view the situation.

I grew up feeling that my feelings were invalid. That I was too emotional and basically my emotions were WRONG. For those who don’t read my “For I Know the Plans I Have For You” blog, I wrote about one such experience from my childhood in this blogpost.

So, where am I heading with all of this? Some of you in your comments over the past couple of days have reminded me of the power of adversity to make us stronger. I feel like I’m ready for the adversity to be over so I can get on with the “being stronger” part of my life.

But we don’t always have that choice do we? Some people seem to go through life with knock after knock and how they keep getting back on their feet is beyond me. Lately I’ve been feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me and I’m not confident I have the strength to keep getting up after each knock-down.

Perhaps this is where my fear stems from in terms of weaning off my current medication. I’m ready to give in and accept a kind of “half life” rather than go through yet another round of knock downs and struggle.

But the human spirit is amazingly powerful.

Here’s another excerpt from Craig’s post:

What too many people don’t realise is that it’s the challenges and the discomfort that cause us to grow if, and when, we step up to the plate. As I’ve said before, pain is our greatest teacher if we choose to learn.

I’m not disputing the fact that we all face real adversity, real pain, real tragedy and real hardship even in our privileged lives (if you’re not starving, you’re privileged), what I am saying is that we can choose to be exceptional despite our situation, despite our circumstance and despite whatever challenges life throws at us.

I want to choose to be exceptional.

I want to CHOOSE to be exceptional.

I don’t say this lightly. I’m still afraid of what the future holds. I’m still working through issues and events that have hurt me and made me consider myself to be a worthless human being.

I don’t believe for a second that the road ahead of me is going to be easy. But I choose to believe that it is going to be worth it.

So, where to from here?

Farmboy and I have pretty much decided that I will “detox” from the medication I’m currently on, do a stint on nothing and then make a decision about whether to try another medication. I’m not against using medication to help with my condition. I AM against taking a medication that doesn’t help. Maybe what I’m taking now is helping more than we realise. Or maybe not. There is only one way to find out.

The plan - such that it is

I have another 2 and a half weeks until I begin working with my personal trainer. In this time I want to continue working on my fitness and strength so that when we do begin, I’m ready to hit the ground running.

Last night I actually managed to jog the full 3km that I’ve been working back up to. It’s frustrating to think that this time last year I could jog 5km and enjoy it rather than it being a chore. It’s hard not to lament my loss of fitness but I’m trying to focus on the future rather than the past. I’ve done it before so I KNOW I can do it again.

I will then have 4 weeks of training with my personal trainer before I next see the Psychiatrist and we begin the gradual process of weaning off the drugs. The poor girl has no idea what she’s getting herself into. I hope she doesn’t bale on me when I explain what’s happening. I think I *need* her now more than ever.

I am *hoping* to be able to maintain as much exercise as possible during the weaning process as it will help.

The future?

Right now, what the future holds is anybody’s guess. Not that any of us REALLY know what the future holds for us.

In terms of this blog, it will be “business as usual” as much as is possible. I will keep you posted as we go (need my cheer squad and support team with me on this one).

I still have fear and doubt. But I feel somewhat comfortable with the decision we’ve made. There are still some logistical details to put into place. But we have time.

I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful counsellor and all of you to support me through this. Never doubt that you are a valued member of my blog community. Each and every one of you.

{{{HUGS}}} to all.

Lightening