Lightening Online

… I had more stitches than the doctor cared to tell me about.

Apparently Trailer Boy had a big head!  And a very small fontanelle.

I think from the very beginning he was determined to be the youngest!!!! 

Even in hospital, I knew things weren’t quite right.

I just didn’t understand why.

I told the doctor I’d been teary with all my kids at that stage.

And I had.

And yet, this time was different.  Kind of.  In a very subtle way.

Things I used to take in my stride upset me and stressed me out.

I couldn’t cope with the older 2 kids sitting on the arms of my chair when I was feeding him.  I used to always want them close.  Now I just wanted to hide from the world.  Hide from my family.

But it was the tears that drove me the craziest.  Crying at the drop of a hat.  Things that shouldn’t have been a big deal, seemed to be.

My doctor told me it was some kind of mood disorder.  Apparently the new name for “post natal depression”.  He suggested being honest with my friends about how I was feeling.

I tried.

The first friend I tried to tell laughed at me.

I never said another word.  Not to other friends.  Not to my doctor.

He never asked how I was going so I thought I was supposed to just “get over it”.

Two and half years later my brain decided to take a little holiday.  Speech, memory, coherent thought.  All gone.

The diagnosis?  A nervous breakdown brought on by untreated post natal depression.  Or something to that effect.

My poor little boy went from having a struggling mother to having no mother at all.

It’s hard to think of him as 6.  It’s hard not to dwell on the years of his life that virtually went by in a daze.

He’s fine.  He spent lots of time with daddy and his uncle and grandad.  Had a ball.

It’s me that’s not so fine.

Not so fine with all those missed memories.  Precious time together that I so dearly loved with my other 2.

It’s hard on his birthday not to remember the starting date of the mess my life ended up in.

BUT…

It’s not all bad.

I KNOW that I am now a stronger, more confident person.  I KNOW that I have dealt with some skeletons in my closet.  I KNOW that I have used this experience to come to terms with WHO I am.

And my boy?  My big 6 year old boy who was just born yesterday?

He is AWESOME!

And he has had a wonderful birthday.  :0)

The first thing he did when he opened his presents was to go around and give everyone one of the chocolate frogs he was given as one of his gifts.

Bless him. 

He was SO stoked with his gifts:

A Lego set WITH a truck of course.

And we have to have a tractor WITH a trailer for Trailer Boy don’t we?

Now that the kids are getting older, they like to decorate their own cakes.  When they were younger (and the years where we have an actual “party”) I make them something chosen from our Birthday Cake books.  For the family birthday meal, they enjoy deciding on their own decorations and doing it themselves.

I think he did a great job creating a road with the snakes as the centre markings and then filling it with racing cars.

He put so many lollies all over the cake that the icing started to fall off.  LOL.

And we can’t have a birthday post without the obligatory candle shot can we?

Happy Birthday my beautiful boy.  I am SO glad that you’re a part of our family!!!! 

I had a rough day yesterday.

My depression was back in the worstest way! (worstest is SO a word!!!)

I was in so much pain.

And panic.

Pain because my serotonin levels had dropped so low.

Panic because I didn’t EVER want to feel this way again.

EVER!

You know things are bad when the urge to hurt yourself physically is almost too strong to resist because your body knows it will produce endorphins to deal with the physical pain and for just a moment you’ll feel a little better (at least that’s the best way I can describe what happens).

I came back from our trip feeling pretty good.  I’d even been able to come off my night time tablets and sleep unassisted.

Unfortunately we came back to a rather chaotic life and I must have overdone it a little. 

Things were so bad yesterday that I was absolutely terrified.

Terrified that I was going back to that black place and wouldn’t be able to find my way out again.

I REALLY want to be over this thing.

For good.

Finished.

Finito.

Never to return.

But we don’t always get what we want. 

I guess I’m just going to have to make some hard choices.

Not go out so much (for some getting out helps, for me it makes me a whole lot worse!).

Maybe turn into a gypsie and live in our caravan, touring around?

A couple of weeks ago I lost the battle to manage my depression medication free. That sounds bad but in reality, it was always a possibility. I was weaned off the Effexor because we weren’t satisfied with the quality of life it was giving me at the highest dose my body could tolerate. It was only the fact that I seemed to improve as the dosage lessened that we wondered if in fact I might be ready to go med free.

The difficulty with living in the country is proximity to medical services and so when I went into meltdown (which was fortunately nowhere near as severe or long lasting as my previous meltdown), my specialist could only do a telephone consult, which limited his options in terms of medications.

His suggestion was for me to go back onto the lowest dose of Effexor and get my condition stabilised. Being the compliant patient that I am, I flat out refused. I was in no state to speak with him so poor Farmboy was the “go between”.

I should point out that for the most part, I have been a very compliant patient. However, while my experiences with weaning off Effexor were better than others I’ve read about, it was still a 5 week process. And I didn’t enjoy the side effects I experienced while going on them either.

Frustrated that people kept pointing me back in the direction of Effexor even though it clearly wasn’t working well for me, Farmboy and I sat down and tried to nut out our options.

For those of you who don’t know the full history, we lost our regular GP just over 12 months ago. This guy delivered 2 of my babies, has seen us through the hospitalisation of 1 child and the almost hospitalisation of a second. And he’d been with me through the whole breakdown and recovery process. His leaving was more than a light blow.

We then went for 12 months without a regular GP, which is the reason I was seeing a specialist. That was the only way I could get any kind of continuity of care.

Our new GP started in September and while we’ve been happy with him so far, I haven’t built up the same level of trust with him that I had with our previous GP.

However, out of options, we figured it was time to go and see him and find out what his thoughts were in regard to my mental health.

It turns out my fears were unfounded (and how often does that turn out to be case?). He was very compassionate and listened to my fears with regard to medications.

His opinion straight out was that the things I had experienced while on Effexor (and the effects while going onto it) all indicated to him that it wasn’t the right medication for my body.

Oh.

It hadn’t really occured to me that not all anti-depressant medications might affect me in the same kinds of ways. I had simply assumed it was part and parcel of being on them that I would experience some side effects and problems.

So, I’ve started on a new medication. Citalopram.

I did make the mistake of googling for other peoples experiences with this drug. Really NOT a good idea.

Especially given I haven’t had much trouble at all with going onto it. Other than being thirsty and tired for the first few days, it’s all been much of a “non event”.

It’s now been over a week and I’m happy with the results so far. They’ve been subtle but I can tell the difference. I don’t feel like I’m going to fall apart any second. And my natural energy levels and motivation seem to be gradually returning.

They say it can take a month for the full effect of Citalopram to kick in so I guess we’ll have to wait and see whether I continue to improve while on it.

The good news is that I feel I’m functioning enough to have a decent quality of life.

It hasn’t been an easy ride but I’m hopeful things will be more uphill than down from here on in.

It was a scientific process deciding when I should bite the bullet and take the final step from 37.5mg Efexor (Venlafaxine) to nothing. We wanted to wait until after our trip to Canberra and after the kids went back to school. On Monday, the first day of term, we ended up having to leave early for Lleyton’s ultrasound appointment and I forgot to take my meds before we left. So I figured it was as good a time as any to take the plunge into the final step of withdrawal.

Very scientific indeed.

NOT!!!

And maybe not as well thought out as it should have been.

With the stress of Lleyton’s injury and having him home constantly meaning I haven’t had time to myself (not that he’s any trouble), it probably hasn’t been the easiest of times to go through this withdrawal.

Still, it hasn’t been too bad, all things considered.

The worst moment so far would have to have been during the second night when I woke up feeling like someone had just turned the power on for my nervous system. You know what it’s like when the power has been off and it suddenly comes on and you can hear the hum of the fridge and anything else that was on when it went off? Everything seems louder until your brain adjusts to the small background noises things like fridge motors make.

It was a horrible feeling - almost like I’d imagine it would be like to stick my finger in a power socket (not that I’ve ever tried to know for sure).

Fortunately it only lasted a few hours.

Other than that, my head constantly goes in waves of a kind of dizziness/headiness. It’s hard to describe but I sure hope it goes away soon.

TIPS FOR COPING WITH EFEXOR/EFFEXOR/VENLAFAXINE WITHDRAWAL

For anyone who finds this via a search for coming off of effexor (or any readers that might go through this), here are a few things that I found have helped my process so far:

1. Exercise. It’s not always the easiest thing to do but it REALLY does help. I find at least 30 minutes and at a level that causes you to sweat (intervals of higher intensity and then lower intensity seems to work well).
2. Be Kind To Yourself. Try not to take on too much at the same time as your body is adjusting (I’ve totally broken that this time around).
3. Know What Makes You Feel Good. Before you start the withdrawal process, have some ideas of things that will make you feel good and help pass the interim time. I have a few girlie movies that have been great for when I need to rest and have something to distract me.
4. Eat Healthily. Another tough one when you’re feeling shocking.
5. Paracetamol. Paracetamol has been my best friend during the withdrawal process. It even seems to help with the head spins and dizziness.

Sidenote to Regular Readers

At the time this post goes to publish, I’ll be in Adelaide visiting a specialist with Lleyton. At this stage (before we leave) we’re unsure what the outcome of that visit will be. Best case scenario is that we’ll be home again by tonight and you won’t even know I’ve been gone. Not so best case scenario is that he’ll need some sort of treatment for whatever is causing his problems, in which case, I may get delayed and there’ll be a lack of posts for a few days. If this happens, keep an eye on the comments in this post for any news.

I’ve been toying with writing a post like this for a while now and given that today is World Mental Health Day, it seemed like as good a time as any. My memory of the darkest days is a little patchy but I wanted to share with you a few of the snippets I do remember of this time in my life. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I don’t mind talking about it.

****

“I can’t go out there. If I do, they’ll want a piece of me and I don’t have any pieces left”, my mind gasped. It was like there wasn’t enough oxygen for my brain to breathe. Every thought took a painstaking amount of energy and left me beyond exhausted.

****

The sound of a car coming up the drive caused me to dive underneath my husbands desk. It was like my own personal emotional bomb shelter. Somewhere in the deep dark recesses of my brain I wondered at how sane my behaviour was. But it wasn’t enough to stop what I was doing. Convinced that if I stayed here long enough and quiet enough, the car in the drive would drive back out again and not know I was here. If I curled up tightly enough, maybe I would magically disappear and the world would become right again.

****

Driving up to the intersection, I could tell that I was moving on autopilot. Perhaps I should have declined when Farmboy needed my help to drop him off at another farm. But I just didn’t care enough to have an opinion either way. My eyes could see the green in the trees but my mind was seeing everything a dull grey. Would I make it home or would I drive straight through the intersection?

****

“You can’t put the crop in this year”, I told Farmboy night after night, invisible tears forming in the dark. He thought I was joking. Maybe I was. But I don’t think so. The sense of panic formed like a bubble within me. I pushed hard, trying to pop it. Was I tittering on the brink of sanity? I just didn’t think I could become a single mother for 6 weeks. I always feel this way leading up to crop sewing time don’t I? And I always manage. I have to. What other option is there?

****

I don’t have any orange t-shirts for Harmony Day. My kids are going to be scarred for life. I’m a hopeless excuse for a mother. I just don’t know if I can keep doing this. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Why didn’t anyone tell me it was going to be this hard? The air feels thick and hard to breathe. I feel like I’m living in jelly. Every move takes more effort than usual. The jelly has infiltrated my brain because every thought takes more effort as well.

****

I sank down on the floor on DH’s side of the bed, letting my head fall onto the bed as I did so. Hot, salty tears ran silently down my face as inside my silent screams echoed in my head. Sure that I was going mad, I thought I would end up in a mental institution and life as I had known it was over for good. It felt worse than dying. In death, I imagined peace. In this, I was trapped in a body that couldn’t seem to function. It was like I was watching what was happening to me, powerless to stop it.

****

As you can imagine, this was a very scary period of time in my life. Looking back now (hindsight being a wonderful thing and all), I can see how for quite some time I felt like I was living on the brink. Putting one foot in front of the other because I really didn’t know what else to do but constantly feeling like I was going to fall apart at any second.

In the months before the actual breakdown I would burst into tears over what seemed to be the silliest things (actually, that had been happening for over 2 years - since my youngest had been born). I then started waking in the middle of the night, crying for “no real reason”.

Had we known then what we know now, I doubt we would have let things go on for so long. Pushing myself to zero emotional energy has meant that my recovery time has been long and hard. I know now that it takes me a lot less time to recover from an emotional energy level of 1 (still low) than it does if I push all the way back to zero. It’s like the difference between taking a step when you’re already standing as opposed to the effort it takes to take one step if you’re sitting on the ground.

How do I know that I had a nervous breakdown? That was my GP’s diagnosis. I reached the point where my brain said “enough” and simply shut down. Forming a sentence was close to impossible. I had no recall memory whatsoever. Eating was close to impossible. In short, I was pretty much unable to function normally.

Wikipedia defines it as:

an attack of depression or anxiety so severe that it prevents a person from continuing to function normally.

My biggest fear was that I would be put into hospital or an institution. I couldn’t bear to be around people at all. The thought of having different nurses around me all the time simply made me want to throw up. I was lucky that I had a supportive husband. I think he spent a long time thinking that we could somehow solve the problem ourselves but once he finally realised the extent of what was happening, he was willing and able to support my recovery in the home environment.

It’s now been 2 and a half years since my breakdown. I have made lots of progress in that time although I have yet to make a full recovery.

I know it shocked a lot of people that this happened to me. I’m not sure how well I fit the “mould” of mental illness from an outsiders perspective. One thing I do know is that mental illness can happen to anyone.

If you feel you might be struggling with it, please talk to someone. Don’t do what I did and leave it until your body has no choice but to simply shut down on you in order to get the message across. It can be very scary to admit but there is a lot of help and understanding out there now. And the more we talk about it, the more that awareness and understanding will build.

I remember in the early days of my nervous breakdown having the thought that I was going mad and life as I had known it to that point was over. Both Farmboy and my GP told me basically the same thing. “If you think you’re going mad then chances are you aren’t”. That was there way of telling me I wasn’t really going mad, even though I thought perhaps I was.

I wonder if the same principle holds true for rationality? Because right now I’m not sure how rational I’m being. Does the fact that I’m worried about how rational I am mean that I AM rational? Or is it an indication that the wheels are falling off the wagon.

When I first deliberated over whether or not to come off this particular medication, Kelley promised me she’d let me know if she noticed a change in my blogposts. How am I going Kell?

Lately I’ve been more teary than normal and struggling to cope with day to day life. And I can’t figure out if it’s a delayed reaction to my latest medication decrease or whether I’m just going through a rough patch at the moment.

I’m one who will often self doubt. Well, pretty much always actually. I know it’s not healthy. And I AM working on it. Or at least TRYING to.

The thing is, right now I’m really NOT SURE if my thought processes are rational. They might sound rational. But does that mean they ARE rational. And if they’re not, how will I know?

I mean, what is rational really? Is whatever our own reality is or appears rational?

I could go look up rational in the dictionary but I feel like just brain dumping my thoughts on you guys instead.

So, what do you think? How would you define/describe rational and how do you tell if someone is being rational or not?

Image via WikipediaI have just come through my next phase of weaning off Effexor. The bump as I decreased my dosage was a little bit of a smaller bump this time.

Thankfully.

I’m now down to 37.5mg which is what is generally used for getting people onto and off of Effexor. It was the dose I started on a few years back.

Here is a bit of an overview of my experiences so far:

225mg - 150mg

A reasonably low key change. I had about a week where I wasn’t quite feeling “myself” but nothing too significant.

150mg-75mg

This was the most noticable in terms of side effects with day 2 being the absolute worst. Overall I would say that the first 3 days are the worst and within the space of a week, I was actually feeling BETTER than before the dosage decrease.

75mg-37.5mg

I noticed a small amount of headiness for the first 3 days. I’ve also been fairly emotional since this decrease and I’m finding it difficult to determine if this is due to what has been happening around me or the dosage decrease.

My advice to anyone who is going through weaning off Effexor:

• Listen to your doctor. If you feel you can’t trust your doctor, find one you can. DON’T try to go it alone. I have read some horrible accounts of people withdrawing from Effexor cold turkey.
• DON’T panic. Some of the stuff I’ve read on the internet is down right SCARY. So far, any side effects I’ve had have been TEMPORARY.
• DO be kind to yourself. Your body is going through significant adjustments and it may need time and rest.
• DON’T try and make any significant decisions while you’re going through this process.
• DO find someone you can trust to support you through the process.

From what I’ve read, the bump from something (no matter how small) to nothing is the biggest bump. But I’ve come this far and I’m hopeful the final bump will be manageable. I’ll be on this dose for a few more weeks yet. That gives my body time to fully adjust and gives me a break from the withdrawal process.

Overall I seem to be coping pretty well and it is nice to be able to really FEEL again. I feel more like myself than I have in quite a number of years. Obviously, if my body wasn’t ready for this, things would be different.

(Sidenote: The word Effexor gets picked up by my spam filter when you try to leave a comment. If you get a message about moderation, don’t panic. If you click on ” Yes, post my comment”, your comment should go through fine. The automoted spam bots can’t read that message and therefore don’t know to click on “yes, post my comment”).

Interestingly enough, Zemanta has suggested a couple of my own posts as possible related articles for this one. That makes life easier than having to go looking for them myself.

Image by __Olga__ via Flickr

Welcome to any readers who have clicked through to here from my post on Problogger.  As a personal blog, this blog covers a wide range of topics relevant to my own life including my recovery from post natal depression, life as a farmer’s wife, parenting and my journey to discover more of who I really am.  You can read a little more on my “About” page and also find a photograph of me if you’re the kind of person who likes a visual of who is sitting behind the keyboard.

If personal blogs aren’t your thing, you might be interested in one of my other blogs.

On all things blogging: Lightening’s Blogworld

My spiritual side: For I Know The Plans I Have For You

Gardening and my journey toward a more self sufficient lifestyle: Lightening’s Garden 

If you’d like to subscribe to get my posts in your feedreader click here. 

My latest post can be viewed below. 

When I left home yesterday, I was determined that no matter what my Psychiatrist said, I was going to come OFF of Effexor. That was what I wanted and that was what I was determined to get.

However, something hit me as I was sitting drinking tea in the waiting room. Life is GOOD. Life hasn’t been THIS good in over 5 years. It’s not perfect. I’m not what I would consider 100% back to my “old self”. But I have finally reached a level of “quality of life” where I feel I could live with this.

The whole process of weaning off my current level of medication began when Farmboy and I basically said to the Psychiatrist “if this is as good as it gets, it’s not good enough”. I was on the highest dose my body would tolerate (having been higher and not being able to function) which meant we couldn’t keep going up.

My body had also started to go backwards in terms of “getting better”.

Mental Health being the exact science that it isn’t, the recommendation of the Psychiatrist at that point was to come off the Effexor and “see what happens”. In his mind, one of two things could be happening.

The first was that my body was no longer responding to the Effexor and we needed to try another medication option.

The second was that my brain no longer required the medication and was therefore actively fighting it.

Either way, the only way to tell was to come completely OFF the Effexor and see what happened.

Worst case scenario, I would lose about 3 or so months of my life to “nothingness” until we could get me weaned off the Effexor and onto something else. Best case scenario, I would improve on the lower doses indicating that perhaps my brain was ready to “go it alone” without medical intervention.

What occurred to me yesterday as I was waiting to see the doctor was that I hadn’t considered an “in between” stage. Perhaps my body is on it’s WAY to recovery and a lower dose of Effexor is what it needs right now.

What if I come off the Effexor (and go through the withdrawals - of which the final stage of getting down to zero Effexor is known to be the worst), only to find I need it and have to go back on it (knowing that I’ll have to then go through the withdrawal process again).

All this to say, I’m not coming off. YET. We’ve postponed the decision for another 5 weeks.

In the meantime, there is one more intermediate dose reduction that I’m going to try. This dose isn’t really a dose in itself and is more of a stepping stone to getting on and off Effexor. It will enable me to cut down on what I’m taking without going through the final withdrawal. If the reduction poses any significant problems, I can return to what I’m currently taking.

I feel like I’m kind of hedging my bets right now. It’s about time I had that option rather than feeling like I have to jump off the cliff with no idea of what is below.

It’s taken me 2 years to get to this point in my recovery. What’s another 5 weeks just to be sure we’re on the right path?

Image via WikipediaToday is DECISION day for us. I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist and we need to make the final decision about how and when I’ll come off my current medications. Oh, I guess first we’ll need to make the final decision as to IF I will come off. I’m part-way there but no decision has been made on the absolute of coming all the way off.

I know what I want. So it’s a matter of filling the Psychiatrist in on what has happened thus far and then getting his input on what he feels is the best course of action.

I’ve come this far in the weaning process and I want OFF. I don’t mind if I need to consider an alternative down the track but I feel that Effexor and I have come as far as we can together and it’s time for us to part ways.

I’m also planning on doing some shopping and eating great food. Should be a good day I think. And nice for Farmboy and I to spend some time together sans kids. It feels like about 2 months since we’ve had a decent conversation with each other.

I’ll fill you in on the outcome of today in my post tomorrow.

Catch you all when I get back.

P.S. How do you like the specky picture I found (okay, Zemanta found)? That’s apparently what Effexor looks like.

Image via WikipediaWhy is it that Effexor is spelt 2 different ways? I can never remember which way around it is but it’s spelt with 1 “f” (ie Efexor) in one place and with 2 “f’s” in another (comparing Australia and the US here). It’s all Venlafaxine. Why have they chosen to use 2 different spellings? Bizarre.

I think this blog post is going to be just as bizzare because I am having the worst head-spins ever and probably shouldn’t be trying to write at all.

In fact, the decision about whether or not to blog my withdrawal process from Effexor is a tricky one in itself. You see, I’m not “anti” anti-depressant drugs. And I know when I was first taking Effexor, I did a google search and totally freaked myself out about the possible issues with getting off it again. I was already on it by then but if I’d googled BEFORE I started taking it I may have not wanted to start in the first place.

So let me just say that it is NOT an evil drug. I know a LOT of people have been helped by this drug. In fact, I have been helped by this drug. In the end, not quite enough to keep taking it. I have read others who’ve pronounced it evil because of the difficulties withdrawing. I’ve also read reports from people who didn’t have any trouble withdrawing at all.

Just putting that out there in case anyone happens to stumble upon this post via google search at a later date. Please remember that everyone’s experience is different.

Now I’ve gotten all that out of the way I need to say this:

Withdrawal SUCKS!!!!

At least, today it does.

Last night I got incredibly ITCHY. An anti-histamine helped a little with that and at least helped me sleep as well. So well I slept in until 9.30am this morning and at 12.30 I’m STILL groggy.

I’m getting head-spins and nausea (which I think is probably a result of the head-spins). It’s a familiar feeling I’ve had before when I’ve forgotten to take my meds.

I remember the itchiness when I first went on the Effexor. It may not be related to the effexor withdrawal. I don’t know.

If you’re feeling sorry for me right now, please send copious amounts of chocolate to PO Box… LOL. Just kidding.

I WILL get through this. Others have. I will. So will you (for anyone reading this that has come from a search engine).

3pm Update: Paracetamol seems to have kicked in and head-spins are a LOT less now. Yah for Paracetamol!!!

Next Day Update: Today is day 3 of this reduction and day 2 was by far the worst.  I’m tired and slightly heady but a HUGE improvement on yesterday.  If you’re going through this, hang in there.  It DOES get better.  {{{HUGS}}} 

Travelling T-Shirt News

In unrelated news, the travelling t-shirt has landed at it’s first destination.

If you’re visiting here as a result of the travelling t-shirt. Hi! I promise I don’t always whine. Sometimes I’m quite happy even! You can make me even happier by clicking on that pretty pink button in the sidebar and subscribing to my feed. It makes me feel all loved and special like.

For my regular readers, I will be updating the Travelling T-Shirt page each time a new post goes up. If you want to follow it’s progress, you can find updates there or follow me on Twitter where I’ll be tweeting it’s new location each time it changes blogs.

If you’re interested in sponsoring the travelling t-shirt giveaway, please contact me.