Lightening Online

I remember in the early days of my nervous breakdown having the thought that I was going mad and life as I had known it to that point was over. Both Farmboy and my GP told me basically the same thing. “If you think you’re going mad then chances are you aren’t”. That was there way of telling me I wasn’t really going mad, even though I thought perhaps I was.

I wonder if the same principle holds true for rationality? Because right now I’m not sure how rational I’m being. Does the fact that I’m worried about how rational I am mean that I AM rational? Or is it an indication that the wheels are falling off the wagon.

When I first deliberated over whether or not to come off this particular medication, Kelley promised me she’d let me know if she noticed a change in my blogposts. How am I going Kell?

Lately I’ve been more teary than normal and struggling to cope with day to day life. And I can’t figure out if it’s a delayed reaction to my latest medication decrease or whether I’m just going through a rough patch at the moment.

I’m one who will often self doubt. Well, pretty much always actually. I know it’s not healthy. And I AM working on it. Or at least TRYING to.

The thing is, right now I’m really NOT SURE if my thought processes are rational. They might sound rational. But does that mean they ARE rational. And if they’re not, how will I know?

I mean, what is rational really? Is whatever our own reality is or appears rational?

I could go look up rational in the dictionary but I feel like just brain dumping my thoughts on you guys instead.

So, what do you think? How would you define/describe rational and how do you tell if someone is being rational or not?

Image via WikipediaI have just come through my next phase of weaning off Effexor. The bump as I decreased my dosage was a little bit of a smaller bump this time.

Thankfully.

I’m now down to 37.5mg which is what is generally used for getting people onto and off of Effexor. It was the dose I started on a few years back.

Here is a bit of an overview of my experiences so far:

225mg - 150mg

A reasonably low key change. I had about a week where I wasn’t quite feeling “myself” but nothing too significant.

150mg-75mg

This was the most noticable in terms of side effects with day 2 being the absolute worst. Overall I would say that the first 3 days are the worst and within the space of a week, I was actually feeling BETTER than before the dosage decrease.

75mg-37.5mg

I noticed a small amount of headiness for the first 3 days. I’ve also been fairly emotional since this decrease and I’m finding it difficult to determine if this is due to what has been happening around me or the dosage decrease.

My advice to anyone who is going through weaning off Effexor:

• Listen to your doctor. If you feel you can’t trust your doctor, find one you can. DON’T try to go it alone. I have read some horrible accounts of people withdrawing from Effexor cold turkey.
• DON’T panic. Some of the stuff I’ve read on the internet is down right SCARY. So far, any side effects I’ve had have been TEMPORARY.
• DO be kind to yourself. Your body is going through significant adjustments and it may need time and rest.
• DON’T try and make any significant decisions while you’re going through this process.
• DO find someone you can trust to support you through the process.

From what I’ve read, the bump from something (no matter how small) to nothing is the biggest bump. But I’ve come this far and I’m hopeful the final bump will be manageable. I’ll be on this dose for a few more weeks yet. That gives my body time to fully adjust and gives me a break from the withdrawal process.

Overall I seem to be coping pretty well and it is nice to be able to really FEEL again. I feel more like myself than I have in quite a number of years. Obviously, if my body wasn’t ready for this, things would be different.

(Sidenote: The word Effexor gets picked up by my spam filter when you try to leave a comment.  If you get a message about moderation, don’t panic.  If you click on ” Yes, post my comment”, your comment should go through fine.  The automoted spam bots can’t read that message and therefore don’t know to click on “yes, post my comment”).

Interestingly enough, Zemanta has suggested a couple of my own posts as possible related articles for this one. That makes life easier than having to go looking for them myself.

Related articles by Zemanta

• One More Step Along the Road I Go
• D Day

Image by __Olga__ via Flickr

Welcome to any readers who have clicked through to here from my post on Problogger.  As a personal blog, this blog covers a wide range of topics relevant to my own life including my recovery from post natal depression, life as a farmer’s wife, parenting and my journey to discover more of who I really am.  You can read a little more on my “About” page and also find a photograph of me if you’re the kind of person who likes a visual of who is sitting behind the keyboard.

If personal blogs aren’t your thing, you might be interested in one of my other blogs.

On all things blogging: Lightening’s Blogworld

My spiritual side: For I Know The Plans I Have For You

Gardening and my journey toward a more self sufficient lifestyle: Lightening’s Garden 

If you’d like to subscribe to get my posts in your feedreader click here. 

My latest post can be viewed below. 

When I left home yesterday, I was determined that no matter what my Psychiatrist said, I was going to come OFF of Effexor. That was what I wanted and that was what I was determined to get.

However, something hit me as I was sitting drinking tea in the waiting room. Life is GOOD. Life hasn’t been THIS good in over 5 years. It’s not perfect. I’m not what I would consider 100% back to my “old self”. But I have finally reached a level of “quality of life” where I feel I could live with this.

The whole process of weaning off my current level of medication began when Farmboy and I basically said to the Psychiatrist “if this is as good as it gets, it’s not good enough”. I was on the highest dose my body would tolerate (having been higher and not being able to function) which meant we couldn’t keep going up.

My body had also started to go backwards in terms of “getting better”.

Mental Health being the exact science that it isn’t, the recommendation of the Psychiatrist at that point was to come off the Effexor and “see what happens”. In his mind, one of two things could be happening.

The first was that my body was no longer responding to the Effexor and we needed to try another medication option.

The second was that my brain no longer required the medication and was therefore actively fighting it.

Either way, the only way to tell was to come completely OFF the Effexor and see what happened.

Worst case scenario, I would lose about 3 or so months of my life to “nothingness” until we could get me weaned off the Effexor and onto something else. Best case scenario, I would improve on the lower doses indicating that perhaps my brain was ready to “go it alone” without medical intervention.

What occurred to me yesterday as I was waiting to see the doctor was that I hadn’t considered an “in between” stage. Perhaps my body is on it’s WAY to recovery and a lower dose of Effexor is what it needs right now.

What if I come off the Effexor (and go through the withdrawals - of which the final stage of getting down to zero Effexor is known to be the worst), only to find I need it and have to go back on it (knowing that I’ll have to then go through the withdrawal process again).

All this to say, I’m not coming off. YET. We’ve postponed the decision for another 5 weeks.

In the meantime, there is one more intermediate dose reduction that I’m going to try. This dose isn’t really a dose in itself and is more of a stepping stone to getting on and off Effexor. It will enable me to cut down on what I’m taking without going through the final withdrawal. If the reduction poses any significant problems, I can return to what I’m currently taking.

I feel like I’m kind of hedging my bets right now. It’s about time I had that option rather than feeling like I have to jump off the cliff with no idea of what is below.

It’s taken me 2 years to get to this point in my recovery. What’s another 5 weeks just to be sure we’re on the right path?

Image via WikipediaToday is DECISION day for us. I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist and we need to make the final decision about how and when I’ll come off my current medications. Oh, I guess first we’ll need to make the final decision as to IF I will come off. I’m part-way there but no decision has been made on the absolute of coming all the way off.

I know what I want. So it’s a matter of filling the Psychiatrist in on what has happened thus far and then getting his input on what he feels is the best course of action.

I’ve come this far in the weaning process and I want OFF. I don’t mind if I need to consider an alternative down the track but I feel that Effexor and I have come as far as we can together and it’s time for us to part ways.

I’m also planning on doing some shopping and eating great food. Should be a good day I think. And nice for Farmboy and I to spend some time together sans kids. It feels like about 2 months since we’ve had a decent conversation with each other.

I’ll fill you in on the outcome of today in my post tomorrow.

Catch you all when I get back.

P.S. How do you like the specky picture I found (okay, Zemanta found)? That’s apparently what Effexor looks like.

Image via WikipediaWhy is it that Effexor is spelt 2 different ways? I can never remember which way around it is but it’s spelt with 1 “f” (ie Efexor) in one place and with 2 “f’s” in another (comparing Australia and the US here). It’s all Venlafaxine. Why have they chosen to use 2 different spellings? Bizarre.

I think this blog post is going to be just as bizzare because I am having the worst head-spins ever and probably shouldn’t be trying to write at all.

In fact, the decision about whether or not to blog my withdrawal process from Effexor is a tricky one in itself. You see, I’m not “anti” anti-depressant drugs. And I know when I was first taking Effexor, I did a google search and totally freaked myself out about the possible issues with getting off it again. I was already on it by then but if I’d googled BEFORE I started taking it I may have not wanted to start in the first place.

So let me just say that it is NOT an evil drug. I know a LOT of people have been helped by this drug. In fact, I have been helped by this drug. In the end, not quite enough to keep taking it. I have read others who’ve pronounced it evil because of the difficulties withdrawing. I’ve also read reports from people who didn’t have any trouble withdrawing at all.

Just putting that out there in case anyone happens to stumble upon this post via google search at a later date. Please remember that everyone’s experience is different.

Now I’ve gotten all that out of the way I need to say this:

Withdrawal SUCKS!!!!

At least, today it does.

Last night I got incredibly ITCHY. An anti-histamine helped a little with that and at least helped me sleep as well. So well I slept in until 9.30am this morning and at 12.30 I’m STILL groggy.

I’m getting head-spins and nausea (which I think is probably a result of the head-spins). It’s a familiar feeling I’ve had before when I’ve forgotten to take my meds.

I remember the itchiness when I first went on the Effexor. It may not be related to the effexor withdrawal. I don’t know.

If you’re feeling sorry for me right now, please send copious amounts of chocolate to PO Box… LOL. Just kidding.

I WILL get through this. Others have. I will. So will you (for anyone reading this that has come from a search engine).

3pm Update: Paracetamol seems to have kicked in and head-spins are a LOT less now. Yah for Paracetamol!!!

Next Day Update: Today is day 3 of this reduction and day 2 was by far the worst.  I’m tired and slightly heady but a HUGE improvement on yesterday.  If you’re going through this, hang in there.  It DOES get better.  {{{HUGS}}} 

Travelling T-Shirt News

In unrelated news, the travelling t-shirt has landed at it’s first destination.

If you’re visiting here as a result of the travelling t-shirt. Hi! I promise I don’t always whine. Sometimes I’m quite happy even! You can make me even happier by clicking on that pretty pink button in the sidebar and subscribing to my feed. It makes me feel all loved and special like.

For my regular readers, I will be updating the Travelling T-Shirt page each time a new post goes up. If you want to follow it’s progress, you can find updates there or follow me on Twitter where I’ll be tweeting it’s new location each time it changes blogs.

If you’re interested in sponsoring the travelling t-shirt giveaway, please contact me.

Image via WikipediaMy roller coaster ride continues.

The constant motion and unpredictability is making me feel ill.

I want to pull the emergency stop handle.

But there isn’t one.

The relief as the cart starts to slowly climb up a peak is immense.

This trough is over.

For now.

But the feeling of dread as I perch precariously on the precipice is nauseating.

It’s a long way down.

And I don’t want to go back there.

I feel lost. Jaded. Uncertain.

Once upon a time the internet provided for me a haven from the world.

Now it’s showing itself to be just as hurtful and ugly as the real world.

The honeymoon period only lasts for so long.

And reality bites.

I can move on. Find new friends. New groups. New outlets.

Start the honeymoon period all over again.

But that won’t change reality.

And reality bites.

I’m lost. Uncertain. Feeling alone and unsure.

And hurt.

People have an amazing power to hurt us.

I’m learning that the internet world isn’t immune from that sad fact.

The urge to gouge holes in my arms is intense.

It doesn’t make any sense.

But the urge is there regardless.

Some days nothing makes sense.

I hope my cart starts to climb again soon.

Image by abuckingham via FlickrWhat goes up must come down.

That’s what they say right?

I feel like I’m living on a Rollercoaster right now.

Not that I’ve ever been on a Rollercoaster.

I’m not a big fan of those kind of rides.

More of a Ferris Wheel girl.

Slow and steady (maybe even graceful???? LOL Or not.)

This week seems to have been a week of intense highs.

Followed by really low lows.

And I’m exhausted.

I think you have to come down from the highs. Because they’re the exhausting part. Not that life would be quite the same without them.

But I’m feeling like I could with less of the extreme. In both directions.

Because the depth of the lows after an intense high are not much fun.

Not that I want to wish away the good stuff that has happened in the past week.

I just wish I didn’t feel quite so out of control of my emotional swings.

Or something like that.

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In unrelated news.  Netball training was last night.  My only exercise so far this week as things turned out.  Which is no-ones fault but my own. I’m quite capable of exercising at home. I just didn’t.Training is always challenging. But I like it that way.

There is so much to learn and my poor wittle brain doesn’t always keep up with the speed of play (which is actually quite slow compared to other grades but anyway….).

So much for being a positive influence. I had my slack moments last night (shh….don’t tell the coach, she wasn’t there at that moment ).

I had it covered though. “My girl” didn’t get the ball either. She was collapsed on the ground not that far away from me.

It was all sorted. As long as she didn’t get the ball, my job was done.

All that aside, it was a very satisfying training session.

They tell me I’m improving each week.

So I’m happy with that.

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I had a phone report with the Psychiatrist yesterday.  Well, Farmboy did the “reporting”. I’m still pretty “phone phobic” a lot of the time.So far we’re reasonably happy with my progress on the decreased dosage of medication.

Which means next week I start the next stage of reduction.

So if I go any loopier than usual (if that’s even possible), that might be why.

But hopefully I won’t.

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My counsellor is back from her international holiday this week.  My nightmares are also back.Not quite as bad this time though.

It’s all part of the healing process I think.

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So it’s Friday.  And yet again I haven’t written a Tightwad Gazette Discussion post.Because I feel more like dribbling than thinking.

You won’t all leave me if I “dribble” occasionally will you???

What about if I “dribble” all the time?

Please say you’ll stay with me no matter what.

Cos I’m kinda needy like that.

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And I REALLY HATE it when my wordpress editor thinks it knows better than me about how I want my posts spaced. So this doesn’t necessarily look like I want it to.   But I’m gonna publish it anyway.

I’m quite a fan of Motivational Speaker Craig Harper. In fact, I subscribe to his blog so that I can get regular doses of his wisdom and inspiration. I’m actually kind of surprised that someone that is such a popular speaker and writer would give of themselves so freely by way of a blog that anyone can read and participate in. I think it shows a lot about his HEART.

This morning I read his post Mind of a Teacher, Heart of a Student and something within that post really spoke to me. He talks about a man he met at a conference he was speaking at named Bobby Cappucchio.

Here’s an excerpt from the post that really stood out to me:

It’s so incredible what we can do when we find a way, rather than find an excuse. There were so many reasons for Bobby to be anything but amazing and nobody would have blamed him. But he chose to live an amazing existence and to be the most he could, with what he has. And he has done it incredibly well.

I hope you do too.

At that moment it hit me right between the eyes that I really DO want more from my life. Those around me that have heard my story are quick to say that I haven’t had the easiest of lives. People haven’t always treated me well and I’ve allowed them to continue doing so into my adult life because I didn’t feel that I deserved anything better.

For a long time I felt that because there were people out there who’d had worse childhood’s than mine, any hardship I may have experienced didn’t count. It wasn’t the worst therefore it had to have been okay. I guess through counselling and having the support of professionals around me, I’m realising that there were things that weren’t OKAY and trying to say they were okay is actually hindering my recovery process.

It’s not easy because I’m very quick to blame myself for things that happen. Even now I have moments of doubt where I think that all of my struggles are in my head and a result of me misunderstanding my whole childhood.

I guess the fact remains that whatever intent my parents had, it didn’t change the fact that I FELT unwanted, unloved, insecure and worthless. It has taken a long time for my counsellor to get through to me that my feelings are VALID irrespective of how anyone else might view the situation.

I grew up feeling that my feelings were invalid. That I was too emotional and basically my emotions were WRONG. For those who don’t read my “For I Know the Plans I Have For You” blog, I wrote about one such experience from my childhood in this blogpost.

So, where am I heading with all of this? Some of you in your comments over the past couple of days have reminded me of the power of adversity to make us stronger. I feel like I’m ready for the adversity to be over so I can get on with the “being stronger” part of my life.

But we don’t always have that choice do we? Some people seem to go through life with knock after knock and how they keep getting back on their feet is beyond me. Lately I’ve been feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me and I’m not confident I have the strength to keep getting up after each knock-down.

Perhaps this is where my fear stems from in terms of weaning off my current medication. I’m ready to give in and accept a kind of “half life” rather than go through yet another round of knock downs and struggle.

But the human spirit is amazingly powerful.

Here’s another excerpt from Craig’s post:

What too many people don’t realise is that it’s the challenges and the discomfort that cause us to grow if, and when, we step up to the plate. As I’ve said before, pain is our greatest teacher if we choose to learn.

I’m not disputing the fact that we all face real adversity, real pain, real tragedy and real hardship even in our privileged lives (if you’re not starving, you’re privileged), what I am saying is that we can choose to be exceptional despite our situation, despite our circumstance and despite whatever challenges life throws at us.

I want to choose to be exceptional.

I want to CHOOSE to be exceptional.

I don’t say this lightly. I’m still afraid of what the future holds. I’m still working through issues and events that have hurt me and made me consider myself to be a worthless human being.

I don’t believe for a second that the road ahead of me is going to be easy. But I choose to believe that it is going to be worth it.

So, where to from here?

Farmboy and I have pretty much decided that I will “detox” from the medication I’m currently on, do a stint on nothing and then make a decision about whether to try another medication. I’m not against using medication to help with my condition. I AM against taking a medication that doesn’t help. Maybe what I’m taking now is helping more than we realise. Or maybe not. There is only one way to find out.

The plan - such that it is

I have another 2 and a half weeks until I begin working with my personal trainer. In this time I want to continue working on my fitness and strength so that when we do begin, I’m ready to hit the ground running.

Last night I actually managed to jog the full 3km that I’ve been working back up to. It’s frustrating to think that this time last year I could jog 5km and enjoy it rather than it being a chore. It’s hard not to lament my loss of fitness but I’m trying to focus on the future rather than the past. I’ve done it before so I KNOW I can do it again.

I will then have 4 weeks of training with my personal trainer before I next see the Psychiatrist and we begin the gradual process of weaning off the drugs. The poor girl has no idea what she’s getting herself into. I hope she doesn’t bale on me when I explain what’s happening. I think I *need* her now more than ever.

I am *hoping* to be able to maintain as much exercise as possible during the weaning process as it will help.

The future?

Right now, what the future holds is anybody’s guess. Not that any of us REALLY know what the future holds for us.

In terms of this blog, it will be “business as usual” as much as is possible. I will keep you posted as we go (need my cheer squad and support team with me on this one).

I still have fear and doubt. But I feel somewhat comfortable with the decision we’ve made. There are still some logistical details to put into place. But we have time.

I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful counsellor and all of you to support me through this. Never doubt that you are a valued member of my blog community. Each and every one of you.

{{{HUGS}}} to all.

Lightening

Am I going to get a HEAP of spam with a heading like that? Or do they target randomly? I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

I have to admit that I used to be ANTI anti-depressant drugs. I thought there HAD to be a better way. Not that I really thought badly of those who took them. I just thought that *I* shouldn’t need them. So perhaps subconsciously I kind of was thinking badly of those who took them. I’m sorry.

When my GP suggested that I give a certain anti-depressant a try, I burst into tears. Which probably wasn’t all that surprising given I’d been in tears most of the duration of my visit.

He was wonderful and explained the physical side of depression. That it was no different to taking medication for diabetes or a kidney problem.

“Will I have to be on them forever?” I sobbed.

Apparently not. Most cases of Post Natal Depression are rectified with a period of time on the drugs that helps to reset the body.

Of course, there is a possibility that I’ve shorted out a function in my brain and if that turns out to be the case then yes, I would need to be on the medication for life. But of course, that’s a small possibility and if it indeed does turn out to be the case then it’s no different to a diabetic that’s on medication for life. Or something to that effect.

I left the office with a prescription for a very low dose of Efexor XR (one type of anti-depressant) that I had NO intention of ever filling.

I phoned DH and he suggested I get it filled and we’d talk more about what to do when I got home. So, I filled it. But I still had no intention of taking it.

Once home I rang a friend. I felt it was too soon to give in and resort to medication. She pointed out that I’d been struggling with this problem for two and a half years so it was hardly a “first resort”.

I started taking the medication. I got worse. That’s normal. Apparently. The body reacts to the drug by reducing it’s production of Serotonin. Great. But it does adjust and things start to improve.

They took a while. But eventually they started to improve. But in the back of my mind resides this doubt as to whether the medication has caused the improvement or whether it has been a natural result of resting more. Taking things easy. Not going out.

We still don’t know if they’re helping. I’m not as well as I feel I should be. My GP has left. I see a visiting Psychiatrist at a town about 2 hours away. He can only fit me in once every 2 months.

Apparently not everyone’s situation can be helped by the use of medication.

Apparently some patients are resistant to certain types of medication.

How do we tell? Trial and error. The only way to find out if the Efexor is helping or not is to come off it and see.

Great.

One thing I discovered about Efexor in my research was that it’s not an easy drug to come off of. Of course, I was already taking it when I discovered this.

So. I need to choose between accepting the kind of “half life” I feel I have now. I’m doing more than I was able to do when I first had the breakdown but a lot, lot less than what I would consider as “normal” for me.

OR. I take another 3 months out of my life. Another 3 months where I may not be capable of mothering my children. At all.

One month to wean off the Efexor and cope with the side effects of that. One month trial to make sure it’s fully out of my system and to see what I’m like without it. One month to gradually wean onto another type of anti-depressant (if necessary) with no guarantees that it will be any better.

I don’t want to take a medication if it’s not really helping. I like the idea of trialling some other methods of helping with the depression. Less “synthetic” ways of dealing with depression like diet, exercise and vitamins.

But I’m scared. Scared of what it will be like to wean off this drug. Scared of missing more time with my children. Just plain scared full stop.

To make matters more “scary”, this article happened to land in my inbox as I was around half way through writing this post. I honestly don’t know who to put my trust in.

All I want is to be well. Is that really too much to ask? Wellness is something we can tend to take for granted until we no longer have it.

For 4 years now I haven’t really felt myself. How many more years of my life is going to be taken from me by this “disease”?

Do I sacrifice another 3 months with the hope that the end result will be a better long term solution for me?

So, there you have it. Not all anti-depressants are anti-depressing. In fact, right now, I’m finding them ALL rather depressing.

I had a rough day yesterday. I was more than a little bit disappointed about that after having such a lovely day on Friday as we celebrated Singstar Princesses birthday. Perhaps I should not have been as surprised as I was and yet I find that the bad days still take me unawares. Thankfully they are coming less often than they used to, but they are still quite horrible when they happen.

It wasn’t all that long ago that I had no understanding of the medical condition “depression” at all. I was surprised when my doctor first told me that it is as physical as diabetes or kidney failure.

Now I understand the condition a lot better. It is caused by a physical lack in the body. Diabetes is a condition that comes about when the pancreas no longer produces enough insulin. Depression comes about when the body fails to produce enough serotonin.

My dad has diabetes. He doesn’t need to inject insulin. He has a tablet that apparently “squeezes” the pancreas and that helps to regulate his blood sugar levels. Some people have depression at a level where they can do external activities to boost the serotonin levels enough to enable them to function well. Just like my dad doesn’t require an injection, they are able to function without medical intervention when it comes to their serotonin levels. For others, no amount of “squeezing” will give them what their body needs.

Just before I actually had my nervous breakdown, I remember trying to describe to my husband what I felt like. We knew I had a problem (granted, we didn’t understand the physical side of it) and we were working hard to try and “boost” my serotonin levels. I felt like a rainwater tank that had gone completely dry. Into the top we were adding teaspoons of water while down the bottom the tap was fully open. Water was draining out of the tank faster than we could possibly refill it, even with 2 of us on the job.

It makes more sense to us now that we have trained professionals in our lives that are able to explain to us what happened. While my body wasn’t making much serotonin, I continued to try and function “normally” and so drained my supply tank (the back up reserves) until it really did go dry. At that point my body had no choice but to start shutting down. I lost a lot of brain function which in turn made functioning at all rather limited.

Where am I going with this post? One of the things I promised myself when I started this blog was that I would be as real as possible to my readers. I try not to be too negative because there is enough of that in this world. At the same time, I don’t want to create a false picture of the “perfect wife and mother” by only posting the good stuff.

Yesterday was a really rough day for me. On bad days I get a lot of physical pain. I never imagined the level of pain a person could feel just from being low on one tiny little chemical. The body is really an amazing and complex thing. When we expect someone with depression to simply “snap out of it”, we really are showing our ignorance as to how complex the body truly is.

My children, who had shone so beautifully in their behaviour on Friday, were rambunctious and really rather annoying. I didn’t cope well with them at all. It hurt me that I wasn’t able to cope with them. It hurt me that I wasn’t up to somehow guiding them in a positive way into better behaviour. It hurt me that my only choice was to closet myself away in a room and ask them not to bother me.

Depression hurts. There is no doubt about that. I remember a friend of mine (who is also a sufferer) making the point one day “do people think we WANT to feel this bad? If we COULD snap out of it we WOULD.” No one wants to feel that way. I understand her point. I recognise now that I am a VERY driven person. My GP told me that I HAD to be a very driven person to have continued to function for 2 and a half years with Post Natal Depression. To have driven myself to the point where I had absolutely NOTHING left in my reserve tank. I didn’t believe him at first but upon reflection, I can see his point. If there is anyone who would have snapped out of this condition if there was any possible way, I think I would be that person.

I apologise if this is kind of a rambling post. I find it hard to say what I want to say in some kind of coherent way. Some of you will be sitting there nodding, yes, yes and YES. You’ve been there before and understand what I’m talking about. Those of you who are fellow sufferers I send you huge (((HUGS))) cos it is a rough road. We do need to keep fighting. At the same time, we need to be kind to ourselves and understand that we are worth looking after.

For those who have never suffered, I hope my attempt to be honest helps to lift the lid on depression and give people a tiny insight into what it can be like for those who do suffer.

I’m not sure what the future holds for me. Whether I will one day recover to the point where bad days are pretty much nonexistent. Or whether this is something I will be living with for the rest of my life. It’s a condition that seems to be rather complex and affect different people in different ways. Even those who are studying it constantly still fail to understand it fully.

This much I do know. Having suffered from it myself, I want to spread the word as far and wide as I can as to what it is like for sufferers. So you can expect that I’m going to talk about it every so often.

If you’re a sufferer of depression and have written a blog post about it somewhere, I’d love for you to let me know so that I can link to it. Let’s work together to help build a better awareness and understanding of this condition.