Lightening Online

Thank you for all your kind birthday wishes yesterday. They were lovely to receive. I had a wonderful day, marred only by one tiny thing.

I hesitate to blog about this partly because at one point in time my mother was reading my blog (I’m not sure she does at the moment but you never know) and partly because I don’t like to say anything bad about my parents. For all their failings (and as parents we all have them), I love them dearly and don’t like to say anything hurtful to them or about them.

But I’m hurting and I feel like I need to get this out before it suffocates me.

For those of you who’ve read my post on last year’s birthday, you’ll probably get the idea that I haven’t always celebrated the fact that I was born.

In fact, I have grown up my whole life acutely aware of the fact that I was a mistake. A BIG mistake. My conception was a mistake that brought heartache to a great many people. And the fact that I was born a girl was a mistake. Or at least a disappointment.

I can’t vouch for how accurate my feelings truly are. I can only state that this is what they are.

I no longer feel this way. That I should never have been born. That I don’t matter. I am learning to accept and love myself in a way I always longed for as a child.

I have a wonderful husband and beautiful loving children. I have extended family who love and accept me and celebrate the fact that I was born. I have wonderful friends, both online and off who mean the world to me.

I just wish it was enough.

Why do I continue to long for the love and acceptance from my parents that they simply can’t seem to live up to?

Last time I saw my mother, she told me she loved me. But the words just felt so empty. I’m sure she does. I just can’t seem to feel that she does.

And when the celebration of my birth goes by without a word, it only seems to widen the chasm in my heart.

Not that that is actually “normal” behaviour for them. I usually get a card. And sometimes it even has money inside it. Which probably shouldn’t matter. But does.

As a child there were years when I had parties. I always had gifts (although my birthday always seemed to fall when there was not much money) and a cake. And tears. For various reasons. Most years my birthday sucked. I can’t really explain why. It just did. I just never really felt that we were celebrating my birth. More a “going through the motions of what is socially expected”.

Did I misunderstand? Did I get it wrong? Maybe. I don’t know.

But when yesterday passed without a phone call or even a text message - it really hurt. And I want to deny the pain. Because that’s how I’ve always dealt with pain. Shoved it so deep inside of me that it would hopefully never see the light of day. Which works. For a while. Until the garbage can overflows and all the hurt and crap deep inside just overflows in a big smelly mess at the most inopportune of moments.

I think to myself “hey, plenty of people had parents that were a LOT worse than yours so just get over yourself”. But it’s not as easy as that. My mind can deny the pain and rejection. But my heart simply won’t.

And I wonder if this is something that I will ever come to terms with. Will the day come when my birthday can be celebrated without the pain of rejection? Without that tiny niggle in the back of my mind that I shouldn’t be celebrating the fact that I was born. Without the reminder that my very existence was a mistake? A burden? An imposition?

I want to love myself in the way everyone deserves to be loved. I want to be whole and without “baggage”. I want to forgive and forget.

I just wish it wasn’t so hard.

Image via WikipediaI love that my birthday falls in the middle of the year. Often the beginning of January is a time for reflection and consideration of the year that has past and a focus on the year that is to come. I like to do the same on my birthday (which is today).

The past 12 months has been an absolutely amazing year for me. It’s been a year of really examining my past and understanding how that has affected my growth up until this point in my life. It’s been a year of learning more of who I am and that I don’t have to be a product of my past. That I can take the struggles and the pain and learn and grow from them. But I don’t have to stay in a state of struggle and pain. I have a choice. I have control.

It’s been a year of learning what makes me smile. A year of finding ways to care for myself. A year of learning that I am WORTH taking care of.

Last year I recognised that for the first time in my life, I could honestly say that I am GLAD I was born.

This year I’m celebrating the fact that I’ve lived another year of life. And I can honestly say that Life is Good. It’s not perfect. It has plenty of struggles. But those struggles have a purpose. They bring growth and wisdom. They bring with them great learning opportunities. They bring depth to life and a great appreciation for the good times.

I love that I can look out the window and see the sun peaking through the clouds. I can see a garden in a mixed state of production. The pumpkins are dying back while the cabbage and broccoli are embracing the cold and booming away. Seasons in life bring change. While some of us are in a season of dying back, others are in a season of growth. Without the seasons, we wouldn’t have the great variety that life has to offer. We wouldn’t have changing conditions that embrace various personalities, needs and stages of growth.

I feel like I can look back on the 34 years I’ve lived on this earth with a sense of satisfaction. I have survived much and achieved much.

A couple of weeks ago, my counsellor read out to me my life story from ages 5 to 18. I have always considered myself to be “weak”. To hear read out the things I went through and the way I not only managed to survive but somehow thrive really surprised me and gave me a new perspective. I realised that I am stronger than I ever thought.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have need for support. We all have need for support. To have the love and encouragement of family and friends.

What it does mean though is that I don’t have to be a “product of my environment”. Not only do I have choices but I have the strength to MAKE those choices.

I feel like I have made a transition from a mere grub crawling on the ground, to spending the past couple of years in a caccooned state (hiding and somewhat in need of protection from the world) to finally entering a butterfly state. Finally free to fly and be myself.

Last year my online friends gave me a very precious gift. What I really wanted for my birthday was for my blog counter to click over 1000 visitors. They worked hard to make that happen for me and it meant a lot. These days my counter clicks over 1000 visitors once or twice a week. But I don’t take any of those visitors for granted and each one means a great deal to me.

I wondered what I could “ask” my online friends for this year (insert cheeky grin) and came up empty. Because you give me gifts every day. When you read what I’ve written, comment on what I’ve written, email me or interact with me through groups and forums you give me the most precious gift anyone could ask for - friendship. For that I send you my heartfelt gratitude. You have helped me to feel like I am a worthwhile person. And everyone deserves to feel like they are worthwhile. Yes, I AM talking to you who just had the thought “she doesn’t really mean me”. If you’ve taken the time to read these very words, I want you to know that you mean something to ME. I may never have met you or even heard from you, but you have given me the time to read what I have to say. And I’m saying right now. You. Are. Worthwhile.

Celebrations today will be fairly quiet. The kids gave a very groggy mother some gifts this morning. I was pretty weary after yesterday’s efforts (taking a day out to do something I LOVE was my gift to ME).

I ended up with the best of both worlds in my cash vs gift dilemma. Farmboy bought me a new office chair and gave me $50 to spend. Combined with some money from other family members, I’ll have $140 to spend on myself.

Tonight we’re going out for a meal with friends. Just one other family so nothing too overwhelming. It should be a nice evening.

Once upon a time I hated birthdays. Once upon a time my birthday brought tears. Now I LOVE birthdays. I can handle getting older because it means I get to celebrate being ME once again. And it’s a celebration that I’ll NEVER take for granted.

My Sister-in-Law had a birthday recently. She’s a leap-year baby so it’s not very often that she gets to celebrate her birthday on it’s *actual* day.

We usually don’t *do* presents with our adult siblings. With Farmboys family we did for a number of years but me in my perfectionist ways allowed it to stress me out far too much. I was always wanting to find the perfect gift for each person. In the end, we were the ones to say we were pulling out of gift giving for adults. We weren’t in a position to keep buying things that may or may not have been useful or loved by the recipients and neither were the rest of his siblings. It was left that people could do token gifts or whatever they liked but that no-one should feel obligated.

In my family, well, my brothers never really got into gift giving much and I decided at one point it was best to stop giving them gifts as I didn’t want to make them feel guilty or obliged to return (one of my brothers is really good at piling guilt on himself). By this stage we’d started having children and it’s much more fun to focus on the kids when it comes to gifts.

Obligation is a funny thing when it comes to gift giving. We all say that no-one should feel obligated to reciprocate but mostly people do (feel obligated that is).

It has been interesting to lift this obligation and experience the joy that comes with a more spontaneous type of giving. I really wanted to send my sister in law a small gift this year. I didn’t feel obligated to spend a certain amount of get a certain value in a gift.

Instead, I was able to focus purely on the love behind saying “we’re really glad you were born. Happy Birthday”.

Here is what we sent her.

It wasn’t an expensive gift but it was made with lots of love. I hope that she was able to see it for what it was intended. An expression of our love for her. More time was put into these than it would have taken to earn the money for quite a large box of chocolates.

What do you value more? Something handmade with love or something costing a reasonable amount of money?

How do you handle birthdays in your extended family? Do you feel you have to buy out of a sense of obligation? Do you find it hard to continually come up with ideas for adult siblings birthday gifts?

Yesterday we spent the day at a nearby (well 200km away) regional town doing some shopping for back to school and both Singstar Princess and Leighton’s upcoming birthday parties. Unfortunately I wasn’t so successful on finding back to school items (even though I only needed plain navy shorts for each of the kids) but we came home with a TRUCK LOAD of lollies.

Most of the lollies are for Singstar Princess’s birthday party. She’s having a “making” party and I’ve managed to come up with a number of crafts using lollies. The kids will decorate their own take home party bags and then fill them with their lolly creations. That’s the plan anyway. I’ll go into more detail on that in a week or so.

I haven’t been game to actually count how many packets of lollies I bought (nor how much in total I’ve spent so far) but *if* we use all of them, the kids will be going home with more than a packet of lollies each. Hopefully we’ll have some leftover though and I’ll use them for Leighton’s party which is the following weekend.

The highlight of our day though was a visit to Hungry Jacks. Some time ago I registered our kids online for the Hungry Jacks Kids Club. It didn’t cost anything to join and when their birthdays drew near they received a letter in the mail with a coupon for a FREE kids club meal. It was one time when I found it quite useful that they all have birthdays close together.

Thanks Hungry Jacks. It isn’t often these days that businesses offer something for free. The service we received was lovely and the kids thought it was GREAT to be allowed to refill their drink cup for free. They also allowed DH and I to use the “free chips with burger purchase” coupon that was sent for the kids for January without making us jump through hoops (ie have to order separately in order for the coupon to be accepted).

As a marketing strategy, I thought this was a good one and while we only indulge in fast food as a treat, I am much more inclined to lean toward HJ’s than their competitors right at this moment. So it’s a marketing strategy that may well pay off for them. Now, if they would only improve the toys they give with their kids meals…….

If you’d like to register your own children for the Hungry Jacks Kids Club, you can do so via their website. For those not in Australia, Hungry Jacks is pretty much the same as Burger King. I’m not sure if they offer a similar thing but it might be worth checking out their website to find out.

If you know any other companies that offer a similar type thing, please let us all know in the comments section.

This week’s Smiley Saturday post was going to be about my Singstar Princess turning 7. Kids birthdays are usually a great time for smiling and laughter. Well, it still is about her birthday. But not quite in the same way I had originally planned.

Something happened yesterday morning that almost made me cry. Happy tears though. Leighton, who is soon to be 10, asked if he could give his sister his gift first. I had some idea of what his gift might have entailed as he’d asked me where his wallet was first thing this morning.

What I wasn’t prepared for though, was him handing her a $5 note. To put this into perspective, he basically gets $7.50 a month which is his to spend in whichever way he would choose (there is another $7.50 a month but that is allocated to various other projects - like his untouchable bank balance etc). So he gave her nearly a month’s worth of his spending money!

It kind of blew my mind and part of me wanted to say “no, don’t do that, it’s too much”. The other part of me was just sitting in awe of how wonderful and generous my son is. We’ve seen signs of it before and yet he still manages to leave me speechless at times. The world needs more people like him. I hope it’s a trait he continues to show his whole life. It certainly was what I’d call a “proud mummy moment”.

Now, back to the birthday girl. She got a new bike for her birthday. It’s a Disney Princess bike. You can’t see it in great detail here but it is a beautiful bike. It actually has pictures of Disney Princesses along the main frame!!! And a gold bell!!! (And does her mummy wish she had a bike just like this when she was a little girl? ABSOLUTELY!!!!! )

I really wanted to give you a larger picture this time around but I’m still learning when it comes to editing in this program. Please click on the picture and it will take you to a larger view. Doesn’t the look on her face just make you smile???? The bike came with the tiara that she’s wearing. Oh, and she’s just about to leave for swimming lessons which is why she’s wearing her bathers!

Friday night we had a family birthday tea together (just the immediate family). My children get the choice of what they’d like to have for tea and they generally choose to have a “party tea” which involved party pies, fairy bread, salad platter, chips and whatever else I come up with at the time. I remember as a child if my Grandma asked me what I’d like for a special birthday tea I’d always choose the same! I’m a HUGE fan of fairy bread!!!! We had a lovely time together in the afternoon baking her love heart shaped birthday cake. She then went on and iced and decorated it herself.

Come tea time, she wanted to set the table and was very busy throughout the meal serving others and making sure everyone had what they needed and wanted. It was so special to watch. Not “wait on me, I’m the birthday girl” but “I want to make sure you have a nice meal”.

Not to be outdone by his older siblings, our 4 year old has been very kind and thoughtful lately, sharing some lollies he had leftover from Christmas. Tonight when I complimented him on his good use of manners he says to me in the most grown up voice “you’re welcome mum”. It was very cute. Then after tea he informed me that he and his sister had made sure they’d left some chips for “the boys” (meaning his father and older brother) and for me. I was awed by his thoughtfulness.

I am a very blessed mother indeed. I sure have a LOT to smile about! Some days my kids have me tearing my hair out. Then you get days like yesterday where your heart could just burst with pride at the way they behave and treat one another. It was certainly a day worth remembering!

If you wish to participate in Smiley Saturday, feel free to leave a link to your post below. And as always, link back here so your readers can see what others are smiling about this week.

Here is the first birthday cake I made for DS’s 4th birthday. He chose what colour I put in the icing (yellow seems to be a favourite at the moment). The lollies on the top are little lolly cars. (Yeah, I know, they look like frogs don’t they? At least, that’s what DS thought they were lol). Chucking a few lollies on a number cake is my idea of a birthday cake - nice and simple!

I had to include this photo as well (carefully edited to remove as much of my “first thing Saturday morning hairdo” as I could manage lol). Doesn’t he look so excited when he sees the Lightning McQueen Beach Towel?

I love kids birthdays - they’re so much fun!!!! I’ll be back tomorrow with some photo’s from the party.

The BIG day has arrived. Today my baby turns 4!!!! It sounds so BIG, doesn’t it? Last week I was talking with a friend of mine who also happens to be one of the staff members at my son’s kindy (preschool) and she was sharing about a conference she went to which taught them to remember that the 4 year olds in their care were just 48 months old. When you put it like that, it doesn’t really sound so old after all does it? I think it was just what I needed to hear at the time.

My boy is SO proud of how big he is! It really is very sweet.

This year Lightning McQueen is featuring very heavily. For those of you not familiar with Lightning McQueen, he is a red racecar and the lead character in the movie “Cars”. I LOVE the storyline as he learns what it truly means to be a friend and to have friends. And that “winning isn’t everything”.

We gave him a Lightning McQueen beach towel and wallet (he FINALLY has his own wallet!!!! A fact he is very proud of. We tend to start teaching money management to our children from 4 years onwards - that’s probably a subject for another post). We also gave him a Leapster that included a Lightning McQueen game. Being the youngest, he is being introduced to computer games a little younger than the other two. DD now has a gameboy and our other DS has a Nintendo DS so this is TJ’s very own “gameboy”. They work out fantastic for travelling in the car - we drive quite a few km’s a week living so far from everything.

His grandparents gave him his very own tool set (with REAL tools) - it came with a hat, goggles and toolbelt and he is ecstatic. So in many ways turning 4 has become a significant milestone for him becoming a “big boy”.

On Monday he’s having a few little friends over for a “Cars” Birthday party. To the left is a copy of the invitation we used as a base for our invitations. Gotta love the internet for being able to find HEAPS of great party ideas. The children who have been invited are all quite EXCITED at the thought of a “Lightning McQueen” party.

The plan is for each child to make their very own Lightning McQueen car out of a cardboard box (the kind you stand inside of). I’ve printed off some Lightning McQueen faces to stick to the front of the box and there’s a red piece of paper with a “95″ on it to go on the sides. Then of course the paper plate wheels and steering wheel. DH is going to mark out a track on the back lawn so they can “drive” around it

I think it’ll be lots of fun. The cardboard cars will take care of most of the activity for the morning and also become part of the “take home” gift for each child. I have bought “Cars” party bags as well and in them will go a few lollies, a small packet of chips and a couple of “cars” colouring sheets I printed off the internet.

I’m hoping that by the time they arrive and settle in, make their car and race around in their car, there won’t be a need for too much other organised activity. We also have a blow up tunnel type thing my parents gave our children for Christmas which DH will set up and the sand-pit. I do have some blow up egg and spoons they can play with and if need be we’ll do an egg and spoon race or two and play a few games like Duck, Duck, Goose. I find the whole “winning/losing” issue with party games and prizes a hard one at this age so I simply solve that dilemma by avoiding those kinds of games.

We have a little boy coming who is allergic to eggs, milk, nuts and a few other things so I’ve worked on party food that he can have (usually his mum brings food for him but they’re close friends and it’ll be nice for him to be able to come to a party and just be “one of the kids” instead of being different). I feel very honoured (and a tad nervous) that I am one of the few people she will trust with the life of her child. His first sleep-over away from home was here.

Party Food will be:

* fruit platter
* popcorn with icing sugar
* iced biscuits with lolly faces (I know which biscuits he can have)
* plain potato chips (he can have Home Brand salt & vinegar but DH accidentally ate them)
* toobs
* pretzels
* jelly cups with jelly frogs in them (if I get around to making them lol)
* cordial (plus tea & coffee for the mums)

He can also have my Chocolate Fudge Cake so I’ll make that for the birthday cake. I prefer to keep things pretty simple all up. There’s nothing worse than spending hours making party food only to end up throwing a heap in the rubbish.

Today I have to make 2 birthday cakes. One for his family birthday tea tonight and one ready for the party on Monday. I’m planning on making a number 4 cake for tonight. The cake for the party is pretty simple (photo’s Monday night hopefully). I’ve bought a toy Lightning McQueen to go on it rather than attempt to actually make and ice a Lightning McQueen (like I said, I like simple ).

I don’t think it takes too much to put on a simple little kids party that can be lots of fun without being TOO much work. If I make things too complicated for myself I tend not to want to go through all of that again. LOL. This way, we all have fun and I don’t end up in a heap. Having it during the school day means I only have the 6 kids who are coming plus 5 mums (2 kids are siblings) and DS and myself to cater for.

Our family tradition is to have a kind of party tea on the day of each child’s birthday. Generally I let the kids choose what meal they’d like and so far they’ve always chosen a “party tea”. LOL. Just like their mother really - that’s what I used to ask my Grandmother to do when she would do a special birthday tea for my birthday. So naturally, I’m happy to oblige. No party pies this time though (I don’t have any at the moment!!!). But we will have “little boys” (cocktail sausages), fairy bread (an absolute must), cheese & bacon fingers (some people call them “toasties”), potato chips, salad platter and slices of watermelon. I’ve also bought some brandy snaps and cream as a bit of a treat. And of course, the birthday cake. I *might* make a few mini quiches if I get really energetic today while the oven is on - we’ll see.

I think I’d best go write myself a “what needs doing when” list. More details and photo’s will follow over the next couple of days.

My DS has been busy this week playing with items that I’ve bought in preparation for his 4th birthday party. The party is still about a month away and the items are just sitting in the box waiting. That might sound very organised to some but with shops so far away from us, I HAVE to be prepared ahead of time.

Watching him playing with this stuff has been quite interesting and thought provoking. We’re not talking mega exciting items here. A tablecloth, some party hats, loot bags, a box of tissues, a couple of bags of lollies (okay they are exciting)… He keeps getting them out of the box and looking at them, *knowing* that they’re for his party. *Knowing* that he has a party to look forward to.

Now he has started to create games using these items. Yesterday he got them all out and used them to build himself a “cubby” by lining them up next to each other in a circle around himself (amazing imagination and creativity that kids have). What really struck me though was the extra VALUE I was getting out of these items. Not only were they going to serve their purpose at his actual birthday party, but they’ve already provided hours of entertainment for him (I’m keeping my fingers crossed he doesn’t damage them in the meantime lol). It’s almost like getting “2 for the price of 1″. LOL.

I think that delayed gratification can work like that too. There is value in the “looking forward” to something that we miss out on when we purchase what we want straight away. We live in a “want it and want it right now” world and I think we’re missing out on something when we are like that. We miss out on the enjoyment of thinking, planning, saving and looking forward to an event or purchase. Those things ADD value to how we’re spending our money.

In contrast, to have it NOW we not only miss out on the added value, we also SUBTRACT value from the purchase. It’s not a lot of fun having to pay for something AFTER the event. So that begins to become a burden and SUBTRACTS value from our purchase. Add onto that any interest payments and the overall cost has risen - again reducing the value/fulfilment vs $$ spent equation.

I’m the kind of person that likes to get as much value for my $$ as possible. So I’m actually feeling quite chuffed that DS is getting so much value out of my small purchases. Each time he gets these things out to play with (which are still in their packets by the way), he’s actually increasing the value per $$ I’ve spent.

Now that we have our computer up and running again and a new memory card for the digital camera, I can share some more photo’s with you. I love looking at photo’s on other people’s blogs. I guess it makes them that much more personal doesn’t it.

Well, here you go. Now you get to see what I look like. This is me on my birthday with 2 of my children. The eldest is behind the camera. There’s no significance to the number of candles on the cake - I really am 33! Honest. DH just stuck a few candles on there so the kids could sing Happy Birthday. Funnily enough, DH did most of the singing as a solo as the younger two were more interested in watching DS taking photo’s. LOL. The youngest did enjoy helping me blow out the candles though.

This is my first attempt at card making (well, first in quite a long time anyway). Also my first attempt at quilling. The kids have all been fascinated by these sheep! I thought they looked very cute when I saw them in my folder (creative papercraft) and wanted to give them a try. I think this will become a Father’s Day card for my FIL. He really loves his sheep.

Hope you enjoyed those. Fingers crossed I’ll get around to posting a few more photo’s over the coming months. Have a great day!!!

Thank you for all your kind birthday wishes yesterday and for those who popped by to help my counter reach 1000 on my birthday. I had a LOT of fun throughout the day reading your messages and watching the counter gradually get closer to 1000 (and then surpass it!!!).

My day was truly wonderful. Everything I’ve always dreamed a birthday might be and more. It began with beautiful birthday wishes from my family. DH had decided to carry on a family tradition I began a few years ago and titled “mum’s crazy wrapping”. I was trying to cut back on the amount of rubbish surrounding birthdays and figured that the only reason fancy wrapping paper was so exciting was because we had created that tradition to be so. Now we use pillow cases, doona covers and tablecloths to wrap the larger gifts, often tied up with scrunchies or belts or sometimes just a knot in the fabric. The kids think it’s a hoot to see what “crazy” idea mum might come up with next. So DH bought a bucket load of treats for me and stuffed them all into this pillow case shaped to cover my triangle pillow. The kids and I had a great time pulling them out one by one, trying to guess what they might be with our hand stuffed in the pillow case. LOL. There were chocolates and chips and bottles of Lemon, Lime and Bitters. Plus my birthday cake - a packet mud cake that DH made up for me during the day (he’s quite a whizz with a packet cake!). And a packet mix of white chocolate and macadamia nut biscuits (my favourite) which he also whipped up during the day (mmmm…. nothing like fresh baked cookies for morning tea on your birthday).

I think my most unique gift came from my MIL. A container of imported cherries!!! I felt quite decadent nibbling on imported cherries on my birthday. And they were delicious too. I did get some money from my in laws and my DH as well so I get the fun of spending it as well as the gift.

I think for the first time this year I’ve really given myself permission to pamper myself on my birthday. I soaked in the tub for a while and even filled it high enough that I could put the spa jets on. The I gave myself a facial, manicure and pedicure. It was all truly decadent. Of course, the best bit was DH doing my cleaning jobs for the day while I was doing all that. Could a girl ask for any more? I am truly blessed by my DH. Honestly not sure that I truly deserve him.

We finished the day by going out to dinner with some wonderful friends. I’m not yet up to coping with large groups of people so it was really wonderful to have a quiet evening, just enjoying catching up. Of course, the time passed all too quickly as it often does when you’re out with friends.

Most of the day it rained and that didn’t bother me one bit. I’ve lost count of the number of birthdays I’ve had where the weather outside has reflected the way I’ve been feeling inside. Not this year! It could rain all it liked, inside the sun was definitely shining!!!

I know the next 12 months will have its ups and downs, like all years do. But I feel somehow stronger and more ready to face what is ahead. I feel so loved by my God, my family, my friends and…. myself!!! God is Good!