Lightening Online

*image source medicalproblems.com.au

Regular readers of this blog will know that I’ve been in a “down cycle” with my depression over the past few months.  It has been something of a stressful and despondent time for me, having to come to terms with the fact that my depression is not simply going to “go away”.

I had thought that once I had spent years working hard to climb out of the deep black hole, that I was immune from falling back there again.

Turns out I was wrong. 

There was always a chance I wouldn’t “recover” as some do from Postnatal Depression.

Maybe I did burn something out by pushing myself down to zero (as the Dr did warn I might have when I was first treated).

Maybe I had Post-natal Depression because I was already susceptible to depression physiologically.

The reason why I haven’t “recovered” is unknown.

And much less relevant than facing the fact that I now need to “learn to live with it”.

My Psychiatrist has referred me to a Mental Health Team which means working with a Mental Health Nurse and possibly other professionals if she sees a need.

Her major task is to teach me how to live with depression.

Sounds kind of depressing doesn’t it?

In reality, it’s no different to learning to live with something like Diabetes.

Some diet and lifestyle changes required.

First Step…..BREAKING IT DOWN.

One of the things I’ve found hardest is getting overwhelmed with tasks that once upon a time came automatic to me.

Every task we do has numerous steps (sometimes dozens).  Many we cruise through without even thinking about it. Unless something goes wrong.

Let’s take making mashed potato as an example:

1. Know that you need potatoes

2. Go to the store (involving numerous steps such as starting car, driving, knowing where the grocery store is)

3. Park car

4. Find potatoes

5. Have money to pay for potatoes

6. Deal with checkout - lines, small talk etc.

7. Remember where you parked the car

8. Drive home

Then once you actually HAVE potatoes

9. Decide how many potatoes you need

10. Find a peeler

11. Peel potatoes

12. Find cutting board

13. Find knife

14. Cut potatoes

15.  Find a pot

16. Put water in pot

17. Put potatoes in pot

18. Boil until cooked

19. Drain potatoes

20. Find butter, salt and milk (assuming you have any, if not, see steps 1-8)

21. Find potato masher

22. Find energy to mash potatoes

23. Serve

Image via Wikipedia

Now I know why lately I’ve been resorting to frozen even fries!!!  LOL (still plenty of steps but a few less).

Now, let’s look at some of the roadblocks to the above steps:

* Please forgive the caps - not yelling, just trying to make my comments more highlighted

1. Know that you need potatoes KNOWING WHAT FOOD YOU ACTUALLY HAVE ON HAND CAN BE A HUGE ROADBLOCK FOR PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION.  REMEMBERING WHEN YOU RUN OUT IS ANOTHER.

2. Go to the store (involving numerous steps such as starting car, driving, knowing where the grocery store is) FOR ME, DRIVING IS EXHAUSTING.  ADMITTEDLY, I DON’T RUN TO THE STORE JUST FOR POTATOES.  IF I DON’T BUY THEM WITH OUR REGULAR SHOP (SOMETHING I FORGOT TO DO THIS WEEK)

3. Park car AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HATES PARKING A CAR?  WHY ARE ALL THE PARKS FULL WHEN I ARRIVE AND EMPTY WHEN I LEAVE???

4. Find potatoes THIS ONE IS ACTUALLY EASY FOR ME AS OUR STORE IS SMALL BUT IF YOU’RE IN AN UNFAMILIAR STORE, IT CAN BE JUST ANOTHER “THING” DRAINING YOUR ENERGY

5. Have money to pay for potatoes ANOTHER STRUGGLE - I KNOW MY FINANCES ARE ALL UP THE CREEK AT THE MOMENT.  DEALING WITH MONEY IS A WHOLE SEPARATE ISSUE BUT A VERY REAL ONE

6. Deal with checkout - lines, small talk etc. TALKING TO PEOPLE EXHAUSTS ME, ESPECIALLY IN A “DOWN PHASE” OF MY DEPRESSION.  I HAVEN’T EVEN MENTIONED THE HALF A DOZEN PEOPLE I WOULD RUN INTO AT OUR LOCAL STORE DUE TO LIVING IN A SMALL COMMUNITY

7. Remember where you parked the car NOT TOO BAD IN OUR LOCAL STORE BUT I HATE REMEMBERING WHERE I PARKED THE CAR IN LARGE CARPARK.  NOT TO MENTION TRYING TO WRESTLE WITH A TROLLEY

8. Drive home SEE STEP 2

Then once you actually HAVE potatoes

9. Decide how many potatoes you need I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOURS BUT MY FAMILY HAS CHANGING APPETITES SO IT’S ANYONE’S GUESS FROM ONE DAY TO THE NEXT HOW MANY I NEED

10. Find a peeler SOUNDS SIMPLE ENOUGH BUT CAN BE A FRUSTRATING ROAD BLOCK FOR ME WHEN FAMILY DON’T PUT IT AWAY WHERE IT “BELONGS”

11. Peel potatoes SIMPLE ENOUGH IF I’M NOT PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED (OR MENTALLY FROM DEALING WITH ALL OF THE ABOVE)

12. Find cutting board I CAN FIND THEM ALRIGHT BUT SOMETIMES I HAVE TO WRESTLE WITH THE CUPBOARD TO GET ONE OUT

13. Find knife ASSUMING NO-ONE HAS ALREADY USED THEM.  WE ONLY HAVE 2 THAT ARE SUITABLE FOR CUTTING POTATOES WITHOUT RISKING AN INJURY

14. Cut potatoes SOMETHING I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO WITH MY EYES SHUT BUT MY CO-ORDINATION ISN’T ALWAYS AS GOOD AS IT USED TO BE (ASSUMING THIS IS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY BRAIN FUNCTION AND ALSO WEARINESS)

15.  Find a pot ANOTHER WRESTLE IN THE CUPBOARD IF SOMEONE HAS PUT SOMETHING IN FRONT OF MY REGULAR POT

16. Put water in pot AND MAKING SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH SO THE POT DOESN’T BOIL DRY BUT NOT TOO MUCH THAT IT TAKES FOREVER TO COME TO THE BOIL

17. Put potatoes in pot RELATIVELY ROADBLOCK FREE

18. Boil until cooked WITHOUT BOILING THE POT DRY *SIGH*

19. Drain potatoes ANOTHER CO-ORDINATION ATTEMPT - AND EITHER FINDING LID FOR POT OR COLANDER IN ORDER TO DRAIN WITHOUT DROPPING POTATOES INTO SINK

20. Find butter, salt and milk (assuming you have any, if not, see steps 1-8)  WE USUALLY HAVE THESE ON HAND BUT THERE’S NO GUARANTEES AND IT’S NOT SOMETHING I’D GENERALLY THINK TO CHECK BEFORE I STARTED THE PROCESS

21. Find potato masher AS FOR PEELER, OKAY AS LONG AS IT’S BEEN PUT BACK WHERE IT BELONGS (AND HASN’T GOTTEN BURIED UNDER OTHER UTENSILS - REALLY NEED TO DEAL WITH MY UTENSIL DRAWER *SIGH*)

22. Find energy to mash potatoes I GENERALLY DON’T EVEN ATTEMPT TO MAKE MASHED POTATO UNLESS I KNOW FARMBOY WILL BE AROUND AT SERVING TIME TO MASH THE POTATOES.

23. Serve AND C0-ORDINATE THE SERVING TIME WITH WHATEVER ELSE WE’RE HAVING FOR THE MEAL

One of the most frustrating things I have struggling with depression is that small steps can become INSURMOUNTABLE steps and roadblocks are like impossible MOUNTAINS.  Everything seems to be blown out of proportion and no matter how much you *know* this is what is happening, you are powerless to stop it.

So, right now, I am trying to learn how to break things down.  Probably not into the number of steps I listed above.  But recognising how many steps a seemingly simple task actually takes helps me to be understand better what is happening in my brain.  Helps me to be kinder to myself when I can’t seem to manage what used to come automatically.

The trick then is to work out what is most important in life and work on those things first, allowing the others to fall by the wayside for the time being.

I’m starting with cooking the evening meal.  This is something I really struggle with in my “down” phases (so many decisions to be made and steps to take to make it happen).  With Farmboy moving into Harvest, it’s something I really need to be able to do.

I’m hoping if I start with babysteps early in the day, by tea-time we’ll be able to eat. 

Will let you know how that works.

How do you deal with stuff that overwhelms you?