Lightening Online

The boys in our family headed off this weekend for a Father/Son camp leaving the house somewhat quiet and Testosterone Free.

In true “girlie” style, I cried when I said goodbye to hubby (I’m a big sook like that).

We made pizzas, opened the chocolate and settled down to watch some Zac Effron (as girls do).

By Saturday morning we were used to having the house to ourselves and cooked up a storm in the kitchen, covered the table in paints and kept the “girlie movies” cranking pretty much all day.

After another night of chips and chocolate and cuddles while watching TV, I started wondering how many hours of exercise it was going to take to burn off all the crap we were eating (nothing like teaching your only daughter that the way to celebrate your femininity is to eat chocolate!!!).

Sunday we decided it was time to start the “burn” and get cranking into Dance Party on the wii.  That sure gets the heart pumping!

DD beat me quite convincingly.  Gonna have to sneak in some practise while Singstar Princess is at school.

Plus, of course, a weekend with Singstar Princess (my nickname for my 10 year old DD who LOVES to sing for those not familiar) wouldn’t be complete without getting into some Singstar.  And after watching Mamma Mia on DVD, it HAD to be ABBA.

She beat me at that too!

By Sunday afternoon I was pretty exhausted.  I love spending one-on-one time with my kids but it certainly wears me out.

Singstar Princess was happy to potter around playing on her own while I had a nap.

Late afternoon, the ute pulled up.

“Brace yourself, the Testosterone is back”, I said to DD.

The boys were full of stories about getting bogged in sand dunes, covered in smelly water from a creek, swinging on ropes and generally doing all those “testosterone filled” things.

It wasn’t easy to be apart for the weekend but I think it was a worthwhile investment in our children’s lives.

That’s what I am.

My brain doesn’t function well.

And I see the success of other bloggers and feel so “not up to the task”.

So instead of blogging what I want blog about.

I’ve let myself be crippled.

By thoughts of unworthiness.

By thoughts that no-one really wants to read what I’m writing.

By thoughts that maybe I don’t want to blog anymore.

Because if I don’t blog, I don’t have to face the thought that I’m not “popular enough”.

I feel like I’ve been taken back to my high school days.

The “cool” kids and the “who are you?” kids…

I know most “cool” bloggers are really nice people (well, I’m sure they would be if I actually knew them).

I’m just feeling overwhelmed and crippled by thoughts of not being good enough or funny enough or interesting enough.

Stupid really, when none of that is why I started blogging in the first place (to be “cool” or “noticed” or “popular”).

Why do we let our insecurities rule our lives?

I wish there was an easy way to simply “move on” with my life and not be obsessed with what people think of me.

To be free to be who I “AM” rather than who I perceive I should be.

I’m sure I’d be a much better person AND much happier if I could find a way….