Lightening Online

Today is R U OK Day.

From the website:

It’s a national day of action which aims to prevent suicide by encouraging Australians to connect with someone they care about and help stop little problems turning into big ones.

And the truth is?

I am NOT OK. 

I’ve been feeling like I’m standing right on the edge of the cliff.

A deep, dark abyss below me.

Hoping there isn’t a puff of wind that might blow me over the edge.

It’s been a very scary and frustrating time.

But it’s okay.

I AM getting help.

I don’t think I’ve waited quite as long this time.

And my husband has a better understanding of what we’re dealing with.

So he’s been a little more supportive and proactive this time around.

But, I have to admit, it’s heart-breaking to be back here.

I didn’t expect to ever be back here again. 

The Black Dog really is an ugly thing. 

I hope people don’t feel less of me because of my struggles.

If there was a way out, I’d take it.

But I’m not suicidal.

I have a wonderful family and friends.

I believe that only God has the right to give and take away life.

Yet, some days I get scared.

Wondering how fine the line is between “not suicidal” and “suicidal”.

I know I don’t EVER want to go there.

But who does?

So, what about you?  R U Okay?

Please say something if you’re not.

It might not seem like it, but there ARE people out there who care.

There IS a way out.

You are NOT alone.

I care.

While my playing year was certainly full of ups and downs this year, my first attempt at Coaching was an AMAZING experience.

I’ve had SO much encouragement and SO many positive comments, which means SO much to someone who seriously lacks confidence in themselves.

Of course, when I said I’d take on the coaching job, it didn’t even occur to me that I’d have to make a wind-up speech.  Eeek!

Responses varied from how comfortable I look up the front speaking to speaking too long.  Oops.  I think I was worried I’d miss something out.  Anyway, the job got done, that’s the main thing. 

I completely forgot about the whole “coaches gift” thing and nearly walked off on the poor girls that were standing there waiting to give me my gift.  Doh!

I can’t believe how blessed I was by the parents of the girls.  I was given some beautiful things which I will treasure for years to come.

Like this beautiful warm rug that warms not only my body, but my heart as well, every time I look at it:

And a personalised bag:

They also made me this beautiful album:

There’s a page for each of my girls where they’ve written me a beautiful note and then some pictures and embellishments have been added:

Such a beautiful memory of my year with them!

I couldn’t have asked for a nicer end to my season with the girls.

I hope I get an opportunity to coach at some point in the future.

Image by cliff1066™ via Flickr

It’s a pity they don’t give out silver medals for netball!

Yesterday we lost our game.

I know my team-mates are pretty gutted by it.

I wish I could have pulled out something special for them.

But it wasn’t in me.

It’s been a rough week.

Something as “simple” as sport shouldn’t cause this much grief and angst.

But it does.

Often.

On Friday I was determined to go in and enjoy whatever time I had on the court.

To have the privilege of playing the final game for our club was awesome.

I wanted to honour the gift they have given me (by giving me a chance to play netball) by treasuring the moment.

I walked out onto the court with my head held high and a smile on my face, wished my opposition well and started the game.

And played like crap. 

I so badly wanted to prove that I was worthy of being out there.

But I really struggled.

I tried my best to enjoy it but it was tough.

I wasn’t surprised when come 3rd quarter, my coach didn’t put me back on the court.

Last week I thought I played well enough to deserve it (even though I didn’t get it).

This week I just didn’t.

Toward the end of the 3rd quarter the scores were even (after us being behind).

I leant forward (was standing behind my coach) and told her not to put me back on.

One of our better players who had been ill and injured had gone on for the quarter and it made a difference.

I told her if this girl had it in her to continue playing, she should let her.

It wasn’t an easy thing to do and I didn’t do it without tears.

But I believed it was the best thing for my team at the time.

Less than 5 minutes into the final quarter the ill player called time.  They were struggling and going down further by the minute.

I took the court with a HUGE smile on my face.

I’d done my bit for the team and I still got to play!

I don’t know if I played any better than the first quarter but it felt like I did.

The most important thing is I LOVED it!

When the final “time” got called, we were 6 goals down and I just couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

Don’t get me wrong, I was disappointed we didn’t win.

But overshadowing that was the feeling of being true to myself.  Doing what I believed was right but still getting the privilege of finishing the season off for our club.  And doing myself proud with what I achieved in those last few minutes.  Even if it wasn’t “enough” for the win.

I think we deserve a silver medal!

Well, I managed to get up enough courage to go to training last night.

It’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.

Thankfully, I have had some amazing support and encouragement from the President of our club.

She phoned me yesterday, talked to me before training last night, and was there throughout training and after when I had a little meltdown (I managed to make it to the end of training before I burst into tears).

My biggest problem now is my self confidence.

So much of netball is a “head game”.

In her opinion, I’m being too hard on myself.

Too hard on myself over what was said at the last game.

Too hard on myself about how badly I think I’m playing.

My coach and I have reconciled somewhat.

She still thinks she did what she had to do.  I still think she was wrong.

This week we’re playing with no juniors.  The President has stepped in and said it’s not going to happen.  And it’s not just about me.  We have 10 players and she has said we only use juniors when we don’t have enough numbers, not just to help us win a Grand Final.

This game is the final game being played for our club.

Next year we amalgamate with another club.

And we are the only Senior Team to make it to the Grand Final (all our junior teams are also playing though).

I admire her courage.

Maybe we won’t win the Grand Final.

But if we lose, we’ll do so with the integrity our club has been well known for.

The spirit that says everyone deserves a chance to play and being fair is more important than winning.

I REALLY hope we do win.

The club we are playing has done the opposite.

Half the girls that got them to the finals have been benched for better and younger players.

Wouldn’t it be AWESOME if  “fair and right” won out in the end?

Please pray that I can relax and enjoy our last game no matter what the outcome.  I know I play a lot better when I can get in that frame of mind.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while will know a little about the background to me taking up netball again.

In a nutshell, I played for a couple of years as a kid, had a coach for 1 of those years who really made me feel like I was a SOMEBODY rather than a NOBODY.

And for years grieved the fact that our moving to the city meant I never got to play again.

Until a couple of years ago when I happened to go out to netball training for fitness and reignited the love of netball I’d stuffed away since childhood.

And I was incredibly blessed to be in a club that embraced me and encouraged me to give it a go (even though I’m not very good) and a coach who is a good friend who walked me through the process and frustration of trying to relearn netball as an adult.

The first year I didn’t play all that much.  It was a big team with lots of rotating.  When it came to finals, I was happy to just play 1 quarter and feel part of it.

The second year I was considered a full “part of the team” and rotated accordingly.  We were away for the finals so I don’t know what the coach would have done there.

The third year I had a coach who was VERY fair.  She kept track of who had played how much and made sure everyone got their fair share of full games.  She rewarded people for putting in the effort (coming to training).  I think she got the best netball out of me possible because I had confidence (well, more than usual anyway) that I was a valuable member of the team.  I even got selected by the opposing team TWICE as best player for our team.  We might not have made it to the Grand Final but it was a great year of netball.  So much fun.  So much team spirit.  It’s a year I’ll always cherish.

This year has been tough.  To begin with, our coach (same as last year) ended up being pulled up to B Grade.  They play at the same time as us so she could no longer be our coach.  I’m happy for her.  She deserved it.  But sad for me because the year has been really tough.

We had a few games where different people coached us and it was pretty messy.  Then the new coach took over.  Don’t get me wrong, she’s a lovely person and I really like her.  Which I guess makes this season all the harder.  From the start she seemed to favour the better players.  I know that happens in sport but I play in the lowest adult grade and I just feel like we need to be encouraging people like myself who aren’t naturally good at sport to be able to give it a go even if they’re not successful.  Wouldn’t it be great if as a country we could get everyone playing and enjoying their sport?

I’ve nearly given up a few times in the year.  When you go home from a game in tears you have to wonder if it’s all worth it.  That’s happened to me several times this year.

I somehow managed to get my head into gear and relax and enjoy my game.  I was playing my best game ever when I injured myself.  That’s not my coaches fault.  Who knows whether things would have turned out differently if I hadn’t done my injury?

Now, I’m trying to get back into netball post injury.  And it’s hard.  And I’m wondering if I should have even tried?  Maybe I should have been content to just sit out the season.

Yesterday, I blew up at my coach.  Totally inappropriately (even if I was justified in being mad at her).  I generally don’t blow up easily.  I’ve obviously let stuff stew from earlier in the year.

And now, I just want to hide away forever.

My team has made it into the Grand Final and my confidence is completely blown.

I want to play with them in the Grand Final but I don’t know if I can.

I just feel like I’ve been treated like a “lesser member of the team” all year and I don’t know if I can give them my best anymore.

I don’t even know if I *should* try.

I don’t want to blow their chances.

But I DO want to feel a part of the team.

I want to feel a PART of the win.

And I don’t know if that’s even possible anymore.

Maybe it’s time to let go of this particular dream?

I don’t know which hurts more.

Continuing to put myself out there each week and generally feeling inadequate and like an idiot for trying.

Or giving up and not being able to play anymore.