Now What?
Tears beat a steady stream down my face as I drive along.
The intensity of the emotions waring within me overwhelming.
My throat feels like it has closed over.
Why can’t I breath?
Terror is added to the emotions and the tears come harder and faster and my body goes into a full blown panic attack.
The dry retching comes next.
Then the shaking.
What is happening to me?
Why?
Shouldn’t all this be behind me by now?
I feel like I’m spiralling down…down…down…
To where I do not know.
The dark place I’ve been before?
*****
Contrary to the words above, I am okay. Now.
Monday was a rough day.
Tuesday I slept all day.
Today I’m a bit “meh” and over life in general.
But I am okay.
My medication has started to mess with my head again.
Making it hard to put 2 thoughts together and giving me a lot of headaches.
I’ve cut down to a half dose.
This is helping with the “headiness” but not so much with the depression.
And I’m scared.
Because these meds worked really well (while they were working) and I feel like it’s too soon for them to stop.
They’re doing what my original medications did after a few years.
And I don’t want to have to keep changing all the time…
Wondering what will and won’t work.
Whether I’m ever going to be “normal” again.
And wishing that I could just stop taking them altogether and not need them anymore.
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Is it possible your brain needs the carbs that sugar provides? Instead of cutting out completely find a point where you are comfortable with your intake and stick there for a while, maybe the meds will work better?
Sugar free isn’t always the best way to be. Maybe for some…
HUGS. I hope you find something that works for you.
I was already struggling before I went sugar free. I think part of the decision to go sugar free has been a panic reaction in trying to fix the problem any possible way. Probably not the best timing though given all the other that is happening. But that’s so “normal” for me - just jump in boots and all!
I soooo totally feel you and your pain. I had a Dreadful day on Monday too. I am not really sure how we all survived, and I am certain while none of us have physical scars there are certainly some emotional scars left on us all
I too am sooo scared. I dont want to do the medication thing again. I dont want to feel like that, I am guessing monthly. I am sure its hormonal, but what if its not, what if its food, what if…., what if…, Sigh. I feel your pain.
I feel your confusion. And I fear next month when my cycle comes again.
I hope you (and I) find a solution that works.
Oh and like you I would love to do anything, I would love to try and give up sugarm but it’s so far out of my reach atm it wont be that knee jerk reaction I follow, but perhaps I will find another.
Could it be the onset of winter.. the blah overcast days.. cooped up inside with the heater on….that sluggish feeling it brings on.? I too have been feeling similar this week ….. yet I feel so much better if i go outside and find a spot of sun and feel the wind blow on my face and hair.., alerting that i am still a breathing me….
Recently I found it so healing to write all my concerns on little pieces of paper and to throw them up to God as I finished each one and let him deal with them.. Might sound goofy but it seemed to really help me realise I cant be and am not meant to be superwoman… very reassuring.
Take time … take some deep breaths…. play some relaxing music and chill girl…. listen to the birds, the wind, the other noises and just breathe on…. doesnt matter how long you are there for… but you will arise fresher for it even if its just a head break. IT works for me. hard to do but it works…. and if it doesnt you can always try later….
{{{{{HUGSSSSSSSSSS}}}}}}}}}}}
I’m so sorry to hear about this happening to you - how the brain reacts to medications and why it works sometimes and not others and goes in and out is a mystery.
Keep taking them though - history tends to show that the brain adapts and things even out. Be kind to yourself though - if you need to slow down or rest or stop what you’re doing, then do it. Chores can wait but your health can’t. My thoughts are with you…..
Big hugs. A hard place to be in, I wish I could offer more than virtual hug.
Thanks everyone for your support and thoughts. About to write an update.