Is The Real Me Returning?
A couple of things happened while we were in Adelaide recently that are quite significant in terms of indicators of my recovery.
It’s been a slow and drawn out process over the past 4 and a half years, trying to claw my way back from total darkness and brain fog to the me that had to be in there somewhere.
On Sunday Singstar Princess went to stay with a friend. No big deal given she’s almost 10, right?
Well, I felt sick the whole time she was gone.
A feeling I haven’t experienced since our youngest was born.
Not that I’m necessarily glad it’s returned. I did enjoy being able to let go of my children that little bit easier (at least without feeling physically ill). But I am happy for what it symbolises.
The “old me” returning.
The other thing was a little more exciting and a lot more fun.
I started salivating as soon as we got near shops.
Now, before you think I’m a complete weirdo, I’ll give you some background.
I’m a shopaholic.
Self confessed and darn proud of the fact.
I know that doesn’t really fit with my “simple living” ideals but still….
(everything in moderation right?).
As a teenager I used to shop as a way to destress.
Not necessarily buy anything though.
Often times just wander around browsing, picking up the odd bargain or 2.
When I married Farmboy, the biggest thing I seemed to struggle with was the lack of shopping (these days with online shopping, the farm isn’t quite so isolated from shops but back then…).
On the few occasions we went to Adelaide, I’d start almost hyperventilating with excitement as soon as shops came in sight.
I could shop for days!
Once kids came along, Farmboy and I fell into a rhythm of him taking them to the movies while I had a couple of hours of uninterrupted bliss at Tea Tree Plaza (and shopping centre in Adelaide).
After the breakdown, I couldn’t cope with shopping centres. The bright lights, loud noises, crowded spaces and general clutter all grated on my nerves and I had to get out of there as quickly as possible. 
To be honest, I’d kind of resigned myself to online and local shopping, figuring perhaps I’d never get excited by the larger shopping centres again.
Until last weekend.
I could feel the old feelings returning at the thought of getting to go shopping.
With only 4 things on my list, I was optimistic that I’d actually have time just to browse. And I WANTED to have time to browse.
Sadly, I didn’t count on taking 2 and a half hours looking for tennis shoes for Lleyton, only to come away empty handed.
BUT, I did have approximately 1 hour to “power shop”.
And power shop I did.
Not really my preferred method of wandering around browsing but still satisfying.
In that hour I managed to buy myself a new handbag (marked down from $70 to $30) as well as 2 tops (both less than half price).
I also got a couple of Christmas presents, some stocking fillers and some pyrex ramekins so I can cook myself some wheat free stuff for the freezer (and got a pleasant surprise when I got to the counter to discover they were also 30% off).
The high I got from that hour lasted me for days (probably helped along by my bargains).
It’s probably scary in a way how much of a high I got from shopping.
But my point is, I feel like the old me is returning.
The ability to experience highs and have joy that lasts beyond the actual moment is something that has eluded me for many years now.
It feels good to think that might be returning. 
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Hi Jodi,
So glad to hear you’re feeling more like your normal self. And if a bit of shopping makes you happy (and you can afford it) then so what? Sounds like you bought things you need and love and that make you happy.
Libby
Welcome back “old” Jodi.
And oh dear Lord, you mentioned Christmas presents……..
How much time do I have left?
Uh-Oh ten and a half weeks….
G’day - I’m here from GoneChocco and you went there via the adorable River’s blog…. LOVE what I’ve read so far and am now a ‘follower’ - Your 2006 event mirrored my own….. but you won’t find that on GoneChocco, you’ll find it on Blurb from the burbs (www.blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com)
Regards Kath
Sounds so wonderful to hear you say you feel like YOU!! Only someone who has been where you have, can know the freedom in that!! Cant imagine just how big your grin was beaming when you came out of the shops with those bargains…
Funny the things that make us feel ‘normal’ again when we are recovering from something lol
Welcome back ‘old’ Jodi!
It’s wonderful how a little retail therapy will make all things better. I am not a big shopper. I can’t even stand to go to the grocery store. But once in a while I need just one afternoon to go to the mall and just look and find maybe just one thing that will make me feel good.
That is truly wonderful Jodi!
Hi Kath,
Lightening
Thanks for stopping by. It never ceases to amaze me how many people have had a similar experience. I’ll check out your other blog as well.
That is fantastic news. I’m really happy for you
Wow- you must be at nearly the same stage as I am! I’m just getting back into normal stuff after years of Black Dog depression and shopping has always been a high for me too (although lately not enough). Did you find when you were in your long, nasty phase that you had to push yourself to do absolutely EVERYTHING? I certainly did and others (including my partner) never seemed to understand that things like going out to the mailbox or having a shower were real obstacles in my day! Make sure you have some shopping trips where “have to get”, boring, deadly items (like kids’ tennis shoes) are completely BANNED! “Me time” is a must for a full recovery- I’ve insisted on it. And it still doesn’t strike my partner as odd or interesting when I say I’d like a holiday from cooking dinner (like more than one night off in a row)- as I haven’t had a break for nearly 6 years, depression and all- I just cooked it with the rivers running down my face.
Enjoy getting back to your real self- it’s so much better than the alternative!
Hi Murfomurf - it’s certainly not much fun. My spouse has been unbelievably supportive though and I’m very thankful for that as we don’t get much support from extended family. I will admit I am finding things a little easier now that all 3 kids are at school - it gives me a chance for a bit of “me” time. Unfortunately doesn’t include shopping as we live on a farm, a long way away from shops.