6 Years Ago Today…
… I had more stitches than the doctor cared to tell me about.
Apparently Trailer Boy had a big head! And a very small fontanelle. 
I think from the very beginning he was determined to be the youngest!!!! 
Even in hospital, I knew things weren’t quite right.
I just didn’t understand why.
I told the doctor I’d been teary with all my kids at that stage.
And I had.
And yet, this time was different. Kind of. In a very subtle way.
Things I used to take in my stride upset me and stressed me out.
I couldn’t cope with the older 2 kids sitting on the arms of my chair when I was feeding him. I used to always want them close. Now I just wanted to hide from the world. Hide from my family.
But it was the tears that drove me the craziest. Crying at the drop of a hat. Things that shouldn’t have been a big deal, seemed to be.
My doctor told me it was some kind of mood disorder. Apparently the new name for “post natal depression”. He suggested being honest with my friends about how I was feeling.
I tried.
The first friend I tried to tell laughed at me.
I never said another word. Not to other friends. Not to my doctor.
He never asked how I was going so I thought I was supposed to just “get over it”.
Two and half years later my brain decided to take a little holiday. Speech, memory, coherent thought. All gone.
The diagnosis? A nervous breakdown brought on by untreated post natal depression. Or something to that effect.
My poor little boy went from having a struggling mother to having no mother at all.
It’s hard to think of him as 6. It’s hard not to dwell on the years of his life that virtually went by in a daze.
He’s fine. He spent lots of time with daddy and his uncle and grandad. Had a ball.
It’s me that’s not so fine.
Not so fine with all those missed memories. Precious time together that I so dearly loved with my other 2.
It’s hard on his birthday not to remember the starting date of the mess my life ended up in.
BUT…
It’s not all bad.
I KNOW that I am now a stronger, more confident person. I KNOW that I have dealt with some skeletons in my closet. I KNOW that I have used this experience to come to terms with WHO I am.
And my boy? My big 6 year old boy who was just born yesterday?
He is AWESOME!
And he has had a wonderful birthday. :0)
The first thing he did when he opened his presents was to go around and give everyone one of the chocolate frogs he was given as one of his gifts.
Bless him.
He was SO stoked with his gifts:
A Lego set WITH a truck of course.
And we have to have a tractor WITH a trailer for Trailer Boy don’t we?
Now that the kids are getting older, they like to decorate their own cakes. When they were younger (and the years where we have an actual “party”) I make them something chosen from our Birthday Cake books. For the family birthday meal, they enjoy deciding on their own decorations and doing it themselves.
I think he did a great job creating a road with the snakes as the centre markings and then filling it with racing cars.
He put so many lollies all over the cake that the icing started to fall off. LOL.
And we can’t have a birthday post without the obligatory candle shot can we?
Happy Birthday my beautiful boy. I am SO glad that you’re a part of our family!!!!
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What a beautiful story. Difficult…but beautiful in the end. My heart felt your pain when you talked of “missing out” on the beginning of life. For the first year of my daughters life, I felt like that, too. I look back now and it’s all sort of “foggy.” I was so focused on her chemo, what medicines she needed, if the medical pumps we had at home were working properly, was her IV line being cared for well enough, was she getting enough milk from me….not to mention being put on medication for my emotions that until my doctor found the right one, had me walking around like zombie.
But it passed. I missed a little…but I’m witnessing so much right now. Glad you’ve found a little peace with your situation, too. And glad that Trailer Boy had an awesome birthday! I like how he decorated his cake. Very impressive.
He is an awesome kid and you are an awesome mum. His early years are not what anyone would have planned for him or for you and the rest of your family, but… none of us are promised a storybook life and we gain strength and character from the not so easy times, not the plain sailing times.
Love ya!
Happy birthday Trailer Boy! I’m glad you were finally treated J - look forward, don’t look back..
Hello Lightening
I agree PND is a very silent disease and can lead to all sorts of other problems - so many mothers suffer in silence ‘cose like you they are laughed at. You are very brave to put your experiences into words the way you have done so - so I’m echoing another commenter words - Look forward don’t look back.
There was little treatment in the 1960s ‘cept a talk now and again with the GP and then I didn’t know if he really understood. ( Yes my dear 5 children will make you upset blah blah - came out of there feeling more upset than before I went in)
December 1st is your little Trailer Boy’s Day - Hope he has many Happy Birthdays to come and decorates many more cakes lol
Take care
Cathy
Just by writing this post you could be helping so many other mums and also very importantly ‘friends’. One of the best things someone did for me after having my second child was ask how I was - I responded ‘fine’, as you automatically do. But then she said, ‘no, how are you really?’, and a flood of tears opened up, it was the most wonderful question and she somehow knew that I needed to be asked. I didn’t have post-natal depression but everyone needs to be asked such a question and to have a good cry, let out your fears, hopes and everything else. Thanks so much for your honesty and congratulations on your beautiful boy. Another wonderful thing about your blog is that one day your children may read your entries and perhaps better understand you as a mother and the depth of your love and concern for their wellbeing. Take care
PND is so little understood. If only more doctors and baby clinic nurses would listen, really listen to the new mums. Unfortunately they’re as time poor as the rest of us. And it’s all too easy to suggest a few Happy Pills. Still, you came through it, (although with the loss of a few memories and milestones), and here you are, helping others who may now be reading this and nodding, smiling, feeling that there are others who have done this and survived, they’re not alone.
Happy Birthday Trailer boy.
Looks like he had a great birthday even if the memories are bittersweet for you. You are amazing woman, wife and mother - don’t ever forget that :-).
Libby
Thanks for your encouragement and friendship everyone. It means a lot to me and I sincerely hope that someone, somewhere can be helped a little from my experiences.
Ooh - I missed this - happy birthday to trailer boy and thank you for such an honest post about a horrid problem. Hugs.
Well over a year ago when I was first diagnosed with depression your blog was a source of strength for me (and still is). I was inspired by the honest way in which you wrote about how you felt and what you had experienced.
The first person I admitted that I was taking medication too (besides my husband) was my MIL and she laughed at me and told me not to be so stupid. I don’t think she meant to be mean, she is just the type of person that says exactly what she is thinking.
She could have so easily been the last person I ever told. Every time you blog about how you really feel, sharing the bad times as well as the good, you are helping someone be brave enough to do the same.
Thank you xx