Abject Terror
I had a rough day yesterday.
My depression was back in the worstest way! (worstest is SO a word!!!)
I was in so much pain.
And panic.
Pain because my serotonin levels had dropped so low.
Panic because I didn’t EVER want to feel this way again.
EVER!
You know things are bad when the urge to hurt yourself physically is almost too strong to resist because your body knows it will produce endorphins to deal with the physical pain and for just a moment you’ll feel a little better (at least that’s the best way I can describe what happens).
I came back from our trip feeling pretty good. I’d even been able to come off my night time tablets and sleep unassisted.
Unfortunately we came back to a rather chaotic life and I must have overdone it a little. 
Things were so bad yesterday that I was absolutely terrified.
Terrified that I was going back to that black place and wouldn’t be able to find my way out again.
I REALLY want to be over this thing.
For good.
Finished.
Finito.
Never to return.
But we don’t always get what we want.
I guess I’m just going to have to make some hard choices.
Not go out so much (for some getting out helps, for me it makes me a whole lot worse!).
Maybe turn into a gypsie and live in our caravan, touring around?
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Really sorry to hear that
Are you going to revisit the GP??
Sorry to hear you had such a rough time yesterday. I know it’s definitely going to take some time getting back to your normal life. Sounds like you dived in too deep and need to take a couple of steps back and gradually ease yourself back into real life. I know that’s easier said than done. Try and take a look at your activiites/commitments and JUST DO the ones that you love. Don’t feel guilty for saying no, even to your own family. You need to look after YOU first and foremost. If YOU are happy, then your FAMILY will be happy. And that’s really all that matters. All those things you didn’t participate in while you were away managed okay without you and they can continue to. Hope this helps in some way.
Libby
Thinking of you loads… wish i was there to make you a cuppa and give you a hug.. !
Sending you healing love across the waves, interesting how getting back into gear/home has triggered that for you.
Maybe the gypsy idea is not so crazy.
Any way sending you healing hugs of love Suzie
{{HUGE HUGS}}
The bad days are always so much worse, esp when you have had such a nice run of good days. Remember that. A while back that bad day, may well have been close to a normal day and you wouldn’t have noticed it as much.
Huge Huge Hugs. I know how dreadful it is to get back to those bad days. And I know exactly what you mean when you say you never wanted to be there again. I have had a few issues lately too. And while less than 6 mmonths ago the bad days now would have been good days, now in amongst true good days they are awful and scare me and make me cross that I have made errors in judgement to get me to that feeling again.
I hope and pray you find the balance you need. It is not an easy job.
I will join you being a nomad in the caravan. That would work well for me too.
Take care, and take little steps.
Huge hugs to you! Take very good care of yourself and get help from wherever you need to get through this.
Libby makes sense. Take some time for you. Remember you’ve been away for a while, slack off on the commitments for a while and just do family and farm.
Love you babe. I am always here for you. Remember that.