What Does A Nervous Breakdown Feel Like?
I’ve been toying with writing a post like this for a while now and given that today is World Mental Health Day, it seemed like as good a time as any. My memory of the darkest days is a little patchy but I wanted to share with you a few of the snippets I do remember of this time in my life. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I don’t mind talking about it.
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“I can’t go out there. If I do, they’ll want a piece of me and I don’t have any pieces left”, my mind gasped. It was like there wasn’t enough oxygen for my brain to breathe. Every thought took a painstaking amount of energy and left me beyond exhausted.
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The sound of a car coming up the drive caused me to dive underneath my husbands desk. It was like my own personal emotional bomb shelter. Somewhere in the deep dark recesses of my brain I wondered at how sane my behaviour was. But it wasn’t enough to stop what I was doing. Convinced that if I stayed here long enough and quiet enough, the car in the drive would drive back out again and not know I was here. If I curled up tightly enough, maybe I would magically disappear and the world would become right again.
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Driving up to the intersection, I could tell that I was moving on autopilot. Perhaps I should have declined when Farmboy needed my help to drop him off at another farm. But I just didn’t care enough to have an opinion either way. My eyes could see the green in the trees but my mind was seeing everything a dull grey. Would I make it home or would I drive straight through the intersection?
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“You can’t put the crop in this year”, I told Farmboy night after night, invisible tears forming in the dark. He thought I was joking. Maybe I was. But I don’t think so. The sense of panic formed like a bubble within me. I pushed hard, trying to pop it. Was I tittering on the brink of sanity? I just didn’t think I could become a single mother for 6 weeks. I always feel this way leading up to crop sewing time don’t I? And I always manage. I have to. What other option is there?
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I don’t have any orange t-shirts for Harmony Day. My kids are going to be scarred for life. I’m a hopeless excuse for a mother. I just don’t know if I can keep doing this. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Why didn’t anyone tell me it was going to be this hard? The air feels thick and hard to breathe. I feel like I’m living in jelly. Every move takes more effort than usual. The jelly has infiltrated my brain because every thought takes more effort as well.
****
I sank down on the floor on DH’s side of the bed, letting my head fall onto the bed as I did so. Hot, salty tears ran silently down my face as inside my silent screams echoed in my head. Sure that I was going mad, I thought I would end up in a mental institution and life as I had known it was over for good. It felt worse than dying. In death, I imagined peace. In this, I was trapped in a body that couldn’t seem to function. It was like I was watching what was happening to me, powerless to stop it.
****
As you can imagine, this was a very scary period of time in my life. Looking back now (hindsight being a wonderful thing and all), I can see how for quite some time I felt like I was living on the brink. Putting one foot in front of the other because I really didn’t know what else to do but constantly feeling like I was going to fall apart at any second.
In the months before the actual breakdown I would burst into tears over what seemed to be the silliest things (actually, that had been happening for over 2 years - since my youngest had been born). I then started waking in the middle of the night, crying for “no real reason”.
Had we known then what we know now, I doubt we would have let things go on for so long. Pushing myself to zero emotional energy has meant that my recovery time has been long and hard. I know now that it takes me a lot less time to recover from an emotional energy level of 1 (still low) than it does if I push all the way back to zero. It’s like the difference between taking a step when you’re already standing as opposed to the effort it takes to take one step if you’re sitting on the ground.
How do I know that I had a nervous breakdown? That was my GP’s diagnosis. I reached the point where my brain said “enough” and simply shut down. Forming a sentence was close to impossible. I had no recall memory whatsoever. Eating was close to impossible. In short, I was pretty much unable to function normally.
Wikipedia defines it as:
an attack of depression or anxiety so severe that it prevents a person from continuing to function normally.
My biggest fear was that I would be put into hospital or an institution. I couldn’t bear to be around people at all. The thought of having different nurses around me all the time simply made me want to throw up. I was lucky that I had a supportive husband. I think he spent a long time thinking that we could somehow solve the problem ourselves but once he finally realised the extent of what was happening, he was willing and able to support my recovery in the home environment.
It’s now been 2 and a half years since my breakdown. I have made lots of progress in that time although I have yet to make a full recovery.
I know it shocked a lot of people that this happened to me. I’m not sure how well I fit the “mould” of mental illness from an outsiders perspective. One thing I do know is that mental illness can happen to anyone.
If you feel you might be struggling with it, please talk to someone. Don’t do what I did and leave it until your body has no choice but to simply shut down on you in order to get the message across. It can be very scary to admit but there is a lot of help and understanding out there now. And the more we talk about it, the more that awareness and understanding will build.
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Jodi, I cried when I read this. Thanks for your bravery in sharing this. It WILL help others out there who need help to get help. It will convince them that there is recovery, that there is a life “after”. I’ve watched you (from afar) go through the worst and come out of the other side. I knew things were bad, but reading this highlights just how awful it was for you.
Your journey will have meaning for so many people apart from you, your family and friends. Thank you for allowing me to share in what I have shared so far.
Powerful post Jodi. Thank you.
It was very brave of you to write this and I do hope it helps others.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this.
I’m glad you got the help that you needed. I think I’d be scared to go to a mental hospital too. It’s great that you and your husband were able to work out a way for you to be helped at home.
I think the great thing about this post is you survived it all and are now this really cool woman who has this awesome blog. I’m not saying that all is great in your life. I know you struggle and I’m sure you don’t share everything on your blog. We don’t always share the most difficult aspects of ourselves.
But you’re an inspiration to me. I can’t say it would surprise me if I suffer a nervous breakdown someday. If It happens, I think I’ll feel less ashamed…they’ll be less of an inner stigma. I’ll remember that “lightening” went through it and look how cool she is. I mean not that I’m going to try to have a nervous breakdown just so I can be cool like you. I just mean IF it does happen (and I really hope it doesn’t) maybe I won’t imagine it’s the end of the world. Because it wasn’t the end of the world for you.
That is the thing, isn’t it? A breakdown isn’t one moment in time from “fine” to absolutely not, but its not until you have slid a fair way down trying to cope that you realise you actually don’t have a firm grasp.
Good on you being brave enough - firstly to get help when you needed it, and secondly for putting it out there for others to realise.
I’ve never had a breakdown, or even a “serious” depression. But lately I am “down” much more often than I’ve ever been in my entire life. My hubby thinks I’m emotional and cry for no good reason. With his mental health issues there’s just no way I can tell him he is the cause of the tears. Most of the time I just suck it up and carry on.
Thanks for sharing this insight. It’s good for others to read that they’re not alone and that depression can be overcome.
I know I’ve told you before….but it has to be said….you are a dead set legend. What an inspiration you are.
Jodi, you have done a marvelous job defining your experiences, at the darkest moments, and the road of recovery. You are indeed an inspiration and source of hope to those who suffer from any degree of depression or anxiety. The bottom of that hole does not have to be the end point, even though when you’re down there you might not imagine anything else is possible.
One particular part brought back some memories for me.
“It felt worse than dying. In death, I imagined peace. In this, I was trapped in a body that couldn’t seem to function.”
I never imagined I’d ever be one to suffer from depression. I was always outgoing and positive (my own perception of myself) but when it happened I was terrified. It felt like it was happening to another me, as strange as that sounds. It hurt to breathe, think, move… For a while it occurred to me that I needed help but I just didn’t have the fortitude or moment of clear thought to work out what to do let alone follow through. Its a terrifying place. And I still wonder how it happened to me… But it did, and I’m still struggling with it. Maybe I always will to a degree. But one thing is certain, that cavern will never consume me again. I can’t/won’t go back that deep.
And it helps knowing I’m not the only one who’s been there and understands this. And its a comfort and reassurance that I’m not the only one keeping on putting one foot in front of the other every day to move away from that place.
Smile Jodi!
Thank you for your honesty in sharing this.
As you know, I ‘burned out’ was the doctor speak, and like you, ran on empty for so long, that recovery is taking a while.
But recovery is happening and that is what matters.
Thank you so much for sharing. I know what the slide into depression is like, although I know that I didn’t slide as far as you did. I can relate to a lot of what you said about how you were feeling, especially everyone wanting a piece of you and having no more pieces to give.
I know that you will continue to recover, you are strong. And I have seen some of that process over the last couple of years. You are amazing and inspiration.
That was such a powerful post Lightening, thank you for writing it. One of my family members has depression and one of the things that hampers their recovery is their opinion that everyone else is sneering about it behind their back. I don’t think people are but mental illness still has a real stigma in our society. This stigma is slowly starting to lessen I think and in part it’s because of people like you who are brave enough to share their stories. Thank you.
We all suffer from some kind of ailments. My Dr told me we are all crazy in degrees. It is just a matter of not letting it build.
Most Americans take anti depressants. If you do not you are one of the lucky ones.
When my wife was younger, she could not even leave the house. She would get panic attacks. I have had some myself. Of course men do not like to call them that.
Well we all hope you get better soon.
WOW those words are powerful and I am amazed at your ability to verbalise your feelings and thoughts……. thanks for your help to me and others you rub shoulders with - metaphorically. You are awesome and know one day you will write your own book! It will help so many others too!
I actually felt a little numb to read your words because they are so close to home for me in my life at times especially in the last 2 years… and I sure dont want either of us to return to those places we visited. Let’s just be thankful for our supportive friends, families, and medical professionals who have each helped us in very different ways to come to where we are today! And an awesome God who has been with us along the path too.
Love ya
L
My sister had a ‘nervous breakdown’ one week ago. One minute everything was ‘fine’, and the next minute she had a seizure like physical breakdown and since then, she speaks in 2 or 3 words and doesn’t make much sense. She said she felt like she was falling and keeps saying something bad happened. It’s as if her brain decided to hit a reset button and is starting over in a child like state. She had tests done but show no physical signs so they have narrowed it down to a nervous breakdown. It sounds like some of the things you experienced are the same type of behaviors she is experiencing. I am scared for her as I have not known of anyone with this illness. She is afraid her husband will put her in a mental institution but he is also supportive. Hopefully her recovery will begin soon. I know she went down to a zero by what you have described. It has been a scary week as it seems like the sister I knew is no more, but it sounds like in time I will have her back again. Thanks for your information.
Such a beautifully written post Lightening and I think it is amazing that you share this so others will benefit. I really hope that you do make a full recovery and that your holiday with your family helps aid this.
Oh Jodi
I was reliving everything you said here. You describe the feelings and thoughts so well. It is 6 years ago that I went through something very similar. I had got to what I thought were the depths of anxiety and depression and did not think it could possibly be worse but I was wrong. It was if the body and brain had been disconnected and it was almost impossible for me to move or speak. The fear was constant and seemingly never ending.
Having come through it life is now better than it has ever been before but I could not have done it without professional help and the right medication. The latter was trial and error until I found one that really helped.
Writing this as you do will go towards helping those afraid of what is happening to them and worrying about the stigma attached. I now know that my illness was a result of a genetic condition - I am a carrier of Fragile X Syndrome. In the future I am sure more discoveries of this sort will be made. Having a known medical basis will reduce that stigma but in the meantime I think everyone should just accept that this is a medical condition that we are powerless to stop without medical intervention just like any other serious illness.
Dear Jodi
That was so very powerful and personal for me to read. You see, I have been battling depression for many years. And finally, my brain, mind and body had simply had enough. I just couldn’t even look at my children because of the guilt I felt. Why couldn’t I handle the simplest of tasks? Why did I cry in the grocery store? Why did I sleep constantly and never eat? Oh, I’m sure you can relate. I am happy to say that my dear husband is now taking over and making sure I get the PROPER treatment. It feels good to have someone in my court, even though he probably doesn’t understand the depth of my pain. It’s okay. I now have hope. Thank you for your story. I has helped me through another day. Bless you.