The Party’s Over
Thank you for all your kind birthday wishes yesterday. They were lovely to receive. I had a wonderful day, marred only by one tiny thing.
I hesitate to blog about this partly because at one point in time my mother was reading my blog (I’m not sure she does at the moment but you never know) and partly because I don’t like to say anything bad about my parents. For all their failings (and as parents we all have them), I love them dearly and don’t like to say anything hurtful to them or about them.
But I’m hurting and I feel like I need to get this out before it suffocates me.
For those of you who’ve read my post on last year’s birthday, you’ll probably get the idea that I haven’t always celebrated the fact that I was born.
In fact, I have grown up my whole life acutely aware of the fact that I was a mistake. A BIG mistake. My conception was a mistake that brought heartache to a great many people. And the fact that I was born a girl was a mistake. Or at least a disappointment.
I can’t vouch for how accurate my feelings truly are. I can only state that this is what they are.
I no longer feel this way. That I should never have been born. That I don’t matter. I am learning to accept and love myself in a way I always longed for as a child.
I have a wonderful husband and beautiful loving children. I have extended family who love and accept me and celebrate the fact that I was born. I have wonderful friends, both online and off who mean the world to me.
I just wish it was enough.
Why do I continue to long for the love and acceptance from my parents that they simply can’t seem to live up to?
Last time I saw my mother, she told me she loved me. But the words just felt so empty. I’m sure she does. I just can’t seem to feel that she does.
And when the celebration of my birth goes by without a word, it only seems to widen the chasm in my heart.
Not that that is actually “normal” behaviour for them. I usually get a card. And sometimes it even has money inside it. Which probably shouldn’t matter. But does.
As a child there were years when I had parties. I always had gifts (although my birthday always seemed to fall when there was not much money) and a cake. And tears. For various reasons. Most years my birthday sucked. I can’t really explain why. It just did. I just never really felt that we were celebrating my birth. More a “going through the motions of what is socially expected”.
Did I misunderstand? Did I get it wrong? Maybe. I don’t know.
But when yesterday passed without a phone call or even a text message - it really hurt. And I want to deny the pain. Because that’s how I’ve always dealt with pain. Shoved it so deep inside of me that it would hopefully never see the light of day. Which works. For a while. Until the garbage can overflows and all the hurt and crap deep inside just overflows in a big smelly mess at the most inopportune of moments.
I think to myself “hey, plenty of people had parents that were a LOT worse than yours so just get over yourself”. But it’s not as easy as that. My mind can deny the pain and rejection. But my heart simply won’t.
And I wonder if this is something that I will ever come to terms with. Will the day come when my birthday can be celebrated without the pain of rejection? Without that tiny niggle in the back of my mind that I shouldn’t be celebrating the fact that I was born. Without the reminder that my very existence was a mistake? A burden? An imposition?
I want to love myself in the way everyone deserves to be loved. I want to be whole and without “baggage”. I want to forgive and forget.
I just wish it wasn’t so hard.
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Wow.
I love it when you write like that Lightening because I can associate so well.
You should love yourself because you are worth it.
It hurts. I know it does.
My mantra is…whatever it is, it’s their issue.
Sometimes it helps.
Lightening, I wish I could offer you advice that would really help you, but never really having been in a situation such as yours I fear I don’t even fully understand your hurt.
The only little bit of advise I can offer is to along the same lines as tiff’s.
Be selfish in the respect that you not accept your parents issue as yours.
Looking at the bigger picture I don’t believe that your existence and the fact you’re a girl was ever a mistake. As little as I understand I believe it’s your parents that are mistaken about any misgivings they may have about your birth or your gender.
All in all, I’d say concentrate on the people that accept you for who you are and enjoy their company and support. If your parents don’t want to be part of that group I’d leave them be. And I know that sounds harsh and is probably much easier said than done, but remember you only have this one life and you may as well enjoy as much of it as you can and take control over it as much as possible …
Thanks Tiff. I was hoping writing it out like this would help. It didn’t.
Well, not so far anyway. But then again, burying it deeply didn’t help either. *sigh* Wonder what will?
Mark - thank you. You and Tiff are right. I can’t change their behaviour. That’s their choice to make. I can only focus on my own behaviour. Some days it’s easier than others but I am trying.
Well I sure want to give you big hugs right now as I feel so deeply for you!
The others are right - we cant change others but can only change ourself!
Sure it still hurts us within and deeply too hey!
I am solutionless!
Try to be thankful for your precious gems in your hubby and kiddies and those who made your special day even more special by their kind acts and love for you.
(((((((( HUGS ))))))))))
Nothing to offer here but lots of these…
{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}
“..going through the motions…” is more than what I had growing up. Mum left home on the eve of my 8th birthday without leaving a gift or even a card for me to open. From then on it was a card in the mail, until I went to live with her at 16. 3 months later she left again to spend 3 months in Germany with her Mum. Probably explains a lot about my lack of emotion and why I can’t get close to people.
But still, I’m glad you had a great birthday, perhaps instead you could ring your Mum? (I know it should be the other way round…..) Like Tiff said It’s their issue. You know you’ve grown up to be a loving caring person, with a beautiful family who all know that you love them and love you in return. We out here all love you too.
We experience life as only we experience it. If someone has worse issues to deal with than us doesn’t meant that ours are any less real. To quote a wise GP I used to go to “It’s your perception that is important”. So don’t feel that what you are feeling is any less important because others have worse.
And as for your Mum, I know its easier said than done, but it is her issue. I think though that we have such a different perspective when we become parents ourselves. Maybe a little more forgiving because we know how hard it is, and maybe in some ways less forgiving, because we have so much unconditional love for our own children that it makes it hard to think that anyone could feel any different to that.
I hope that you come to terms with how you feel. I think that it is only time will do that for you.
But in the meantime we are all here for you
(((hugs))) As others have so eloquently said before me - it’s their problem that they’re foisting on you. Reject it, cast it adrift, the ugly bag of shame and heartache at your birth wasn’t yours to begin with , it was a revolting hand-me-down that should have been shoved in the bin with the rest of the rubbish.
They’re the ones missing out, not the other way around.
I think you’ve come a really really long way. Owning your feelings like this is a huge and positive step.
I wish I’d read this before I saw you tonight, I would have given you a hug! But that could have been a bad thing, knowing what sooks we both are!
Like everyone else has said. Your parents issues are theirs. Leave them with them where they belong. If you want to speak to your parents on your birthday, go ahead and ring them, if not don’t. It’s your choice.
Big Hug…
Some thoughts …
Being able to blog about it in the first place, rather than just internalizing it, is a significant step (especially as it also has the possibility of confronting the issue more directly by informing the appropriate party of their omission).
There are a lot of people (especially with depression) who don’t “feel love from someone” when that love is honestly and strongly felt by the person doing the loving. So it is also possible that your reluctance to accept how awesome you are influences your ability to accept honestly and strongly felt love from other people. If those other people haven’t come to the realization about the difficulty you have accepting honest and strongly felt love, they can find it frustrating and not be as demonstrative in future.
All you can do as the person who loves in that case is keep strongly loving until the person you feel these things for gets it through their head, but having someone who you love not seem to “get it” even though it has been clearly and repeatedly stated can be somewhat frustrating. (which is why some people don’t keep doing it)
I support Tiff, Learning to love yourself is the key. Letting go of family stuff though is easier said than done.
You are so brave, and I love your openness and honesty. You have inspired me to get moving on my new LOA teleclasses etc
Sending you lots of hugs and remember, raise your right arm in the air and give yourself a big pat on the back for your strength and courage.
I wonder if your Mother has read this?
love
Suzie
((Hugs)) and a belated Happy Birthday. Mine used to suck too, for kind of similar reasons.
Your parents got it wrong. You are not a mistake.
I think by blogging you did not deny it.
Hurt and heal my friend.
((Hugs))
Oh sweetie. I don’t know what to say.
Perhaps you should print out that post and send it to her….
<3
I hear you. I just don’t know how I got from where you are to where I am…………I think it was realising that nothing my family could do now would make up for all the past hurts - even a complete turn around now wouldn’t make up for it. Learning to embrace what I have instead of longing for what I didn’t have then.
yeah, not very helpful I know.
but remember this. God doesn’t make mistakes and he doesn’t make junk and he values daughters as much as sons.
Hi Lightening,
Reading this really hit home with me. I have very similar issues with my own mother. It’s a hard one - because there is no way to compartmentalize that particular ache and disappointment. I guess because mothers are supposed to love their children unconditionally and when we don’t get that it’s confusing, demoralizing and just wrong. The fact that other people have worse parents is no consolation either. It seems no matter how old we get there is still a part of us that is the little child that craves their mother’s love, no matter what. I feel for you about this and I understand - though I doubt that is much comfort for you.
I can say you are obviously loved and cared for and look to have some wonderful people in your life - that you are blessed with many things. I hope someday that you aren’t hurt by this. I really do.
Annie
*huggggggg*
It seems impossible, but it happens eventually, when someone’s on the healing road like you are
You forgot to mention the positive differences YOU make in OTHER people’s lives. Even something as simple as Smiley Saturday has changed people in many ways.