Relearning Netball is Harder Than I Thought
I’m feeling like I’ve been living in a bubble for the past couple of months and the bubble has just burst. I’ve been caught up in the adrenaline of playing a game I never wanted to stop playing and the hype of those around me giving me heaps of encouragement.
This past week has seen me come face to face with a few home truths that were perhaps “hiding” amongst the gloss and glitter of being “the newbie”.
Last Thursday’s training was an absolute shocker. The fitness session nearly killed me (okay, I’m being dramatic, but you get what I mean, yeah?) and when it came to some of the skills stuff, I couldn’t seem to hold onto the ball. “Butter-fingers”, my childhood coach would have called it.
As soon as I got into our car after training, I burst into tears. In fact, I kept bursting into tears for the rest of that night and getting to sleep wasn’t all that easy because as soon as I shut my eyes, I kept replaying all the things that had gone wrong.
Admittedly I was fighting a cold and so feeling a bit run-down. Which probably explains at least some of my struggle with training and also why I was bursting into tears so easily (I’m a shocker for bursting into tears at the drop of a hat when I’m tired).
So, after all of that AND feeling like a complete alien come Saturday as it was my first game not played at our home grounds, I wasn’t approaching Saturday’s game with a whole lot of confidence in myself.
To the extent that I thought I was going to actually have a panic attack right before the game. My mind went blank and I couldn’t remember how to play. It was not a very nice feeling at all.
Hoping that once the game got started my head would clear and I’d find some kind of rhythm, I did my best to focus on the game.
Only things went from bad to WORSE. Either the Wing Attack I was playing was a pretty good WA or I really had totally lost the plot. I found her almost impossible to keep up with. The opposing team walked all over us for the first quarter. I don’t know what the score was at the end of the first quarter but I know it wasn’t good.
There was a moment of fear during our break that the coach wasn’t going to swap my position and I would have to face another quarter against this girl. I was SO relieved when she swapped me with another girl and I came off the court. My team mate was very keen to oppose this girl. She was ready to get stuck into her.
The second quarter things went a lot better and our team managed to turn the score around and give us a comfortable lead. I found some comfort in watching my more experienced team mate still struggle to stay on top of this WA. Of course, she did a much better job than I did. But I would expect that to be the case.
At this point though, I really did NOT want to go back on the court. I knew I was only playing half a game this week but we have plenty of players so my not playing another quarter wouldn’t have posed a huge problem to the team. My biggest dilemma was that I knew if I tried to tell my coach not to put me back on, I would burst into tears.
When I discovered she was putting me back on in the final quarter, I really wanted to freak out. That meant that my team-mates would have no time whatsoever to make up any short-fall in the score. I don’t DO pressure very well.
It did turn out to be a good thing in the end. During the third quarter I gave myself a stern talking to. Something along the lines of “you can’t just decide you’re not going to play because your opponent is too hard to play against”. It doesn’t work that way. I figured I’d go back on the court, play to the best of my ability, and know that at the very least, playing a challenging opponent should be a good learning experience.
I think I did a lot better in that final quarter than I did in the first quarter. It helped that I’d had a break where my opponent had played all game and was getting tired. But it also helped that I was focusing on what I could do rather than what I couldn’t do. Well, kind of anyway.
I’m not sure what I was expecting really. That since it was my third game, I was no longer a “beginner” and therefore should just be able to play as well as the rest of the team?
Who knows?
We did end up winning. Thankfully. I’m not sure my ego was up to taking a loss. I’ll have to work on that.
After the game one of my team-mates was very encouraging. And I nearly burst into tears. She was very kind and told me that she felt I was still improving (whereas I was feeling like I’d gone backwards) and that she admired what I was doing for even giving it a go.
I think it was at that point that it really hit me how hard what I’ve undertaken is. People have been saying that from the start - how amazing what I’m doing is. I’ve tended to shrug is off as nothing because all I find amazing is that my team even let me play.
Now that the “gloss” and “newness” and “excitement” have started to wear off, I’m seeing what others are seeing.
Learning a skill like this and putting myself out there in public each week is going to take guts and determination.
I still love it and am amazed it’s even happening.
But not every week is going to be “fairy tale” week.
Sometimes I’m just going to have to keep on keeping on, no matter how hard it seems.
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Good for you for having the determination to stick with it even when you’d rather walk away. I get the feeling you’re probably a lot harder on yourself that other people are. I’m pretty sure the coach wouldn’t have put you back on if you were a total klutz. Although you might feel like you’re being chewed up sometimes, you’ll come out the other end head & shoulders above where you started
I really admire you for sticking it out!!! I know those burst into tears moments.
Good on you for sticking it out! I wish I had the courage to get back onto the court.
You could have told me you didn’t want to go back on…..and I probably would have put you back on anyway, because giving up isn’t your thing and you would have been disappointed in yourself if you’d let your insecurities get the better of you.
About that first quarter. It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. Steph was in la la land, Dawn was hanging out there with her, Jess wasn’t completely in la la land but she had one foot there, and when three of your stronger team mates don’t give you the leadership and direction you are used to then the rest of the team falls in a heap too.
You did great in the final quarter. You picked up some loose balls, you backed up all the way down the court, and continued to do so even when they didn’t use you. WD is sometimes a thankless position, you feel like you do a whole lot of running around for not much gain, but you did everything I have asked of you. Which is more than can be said for some other members of the team (that would be my daughter!).
The things that we have to work hardest for are the ones that gives us the greatest sense of satisfaction. So keep working hard and you will achieve. You are doing so well to have come this far. You have lots of courage to even try.
And if nothing else you are a team and it can take a while for a team to work together really well, so give all of you some time. Before you know it you will all be doing things as a team without thinking too hard about it at all.
I think you are doing so well. I would love to have a go at playing hockey again but I don’t have the courage at the moment to put myself “out there” and as much as I loved the game, there are some very negative memories associated with it that I need to get past. Maybe one day…….
Tears and tiredness go hand in hand around here. Congratulations on the win.
So glad to hear of the win! And congrats to you for sticking with this. It’s only your third game, too, got to cut yourself a bit of slack! Just think how much better of a player you will be by the end of the season.
Journeyer - Yes, I suspect I probably am harder on myself than others are.
Jeanie - thanks. It’s been good to reflect on all that happened and actually realise “hang on a minute, I hung in there. Go me!!!” LOL. I think that has only just occurred to me as I was typing this very response.
Tamsyn - well, what’s stopping you? Is it possible to do what I did and start training with a team and take it from there?
Sharon - what would you have done if I’d burst into tears on you? I think I probably knew that you’d want me to go back on. And that I needed to for my own sake. And I’m glad I did so it all worked out okay. I have to admit though, that having been there, la la land is quite a nice place to visit. LOL. In my mind, everyone is allowed to have an off game, except me. Of course. Because I’m a perfectionist. As a coach, is it a good thing or a bad thing to have “inside knowledge” of my head through reading my blog? You probably don’t actually need to read what I’ve written to have a fair idea how my head works anyway.
Gemisht - that’s true. And I’m not giving up now I’ve made it this far. I just need to accept that some days will be better than others. And that keeping on keeping on is what will get me to my goal. Talking about team gelling, that was one thing I did find better this week. Not that the team have been anything BUT welcoming. However, I think I’m starting to relax and be myself around them a bit more (which may or may not be a good thing). I’m sorry you have negative memories of hockey.
River - yeah. I guess many of us go to tears when we’re over-tired. I really HATE crying in public though.
Jenn - so true. I do need to cut myself some slack. It’s just that I so badly WANT to get better. And off days (or hard opponents) make me feel like I’m heading in the wrong direction. Then again, maybe they’ll make me work harder in the long term. And if I’m not a better player by the end of the season - I’ll just blame my coach. ROFLOL.
Cut yourself some slack and remember why you enjoyed playing in the past. You will get back into it before you know it and love every minute of the team atmosphere. I can live through you as another netballer who hasn’t stepped on the court in more then 10years;)