Lost
Image via WikipediaMy roller coaster ride continues.
The constant motion and unpredictability is making me feel ill.
I want to pull the emergency stop handle.
But there isn’t one.
The relief as the cart starts to slowly climb up a peak is immense.
This trough is over.
For now.
But the feeling of dread as I perch precariously on the precipice is nauseating.
It’s a long way down.
And I don’t want to go back there.
I feel lost. Jaded. Uncertain.
Once upon a time the internet provided for me a haven from the world.
Now it’s showing itself to be just as hurtful and ugly as the real world.
The honeymoon period only lasts for so long.
And reality bites.
I can move on. Find new friends. New groups. New outlets.
Start the honeymoon period all over again.
But that won’t change reality.
And reality bites.
I’m lost. Uncertain. Feeling alone and unsure.
And hurt.
People have an amazing power to hurt us.
I’m learning that the internet world isn’t immune from that sad fact.
The urge to gouge holes in my arms is intense.
It doesn’t make any sense.
But the urge is there regardless.
Some days nothing makes sense.
I hope my cart starts to climb again soon.
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And I’m wishing you a wonderful Monday. Remember to say happy Monday to three people and smile..it has to come from within. And if your having a day of anxiety or sadness I wish you happiness. It’s a long hard climb to the top however, you want to go there..so good luck. Your not alone and there are many who wonder each time if they’ll get to the top….No hurt, no pain, only blessings and support. May your week be peaceful…
My best,
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
grammology.com
Can relate somewhat dear friend and sister! Go back to taking baby steps…. go outdoors and feel the wind in your hair and the sun soaking into your skin…pat the cat and enjoy its friendship. IT desires nothing except a pat and cuddle.
Remember you are a precious daughter of the King if the Universe and He has you wrapped tightly close to His heart, as I am sure your dear hubby has right now too.
I cannot physically help but can keep you in my prayers!
XXX OOO Lynette
thinking of you Lightening.I don’t begin to imagine what your rollercoaster ride is like but I hope it gets better and fun again.
The internet like all real life social communities are not immune to trolls and creeps.
You have made so much progress lately and you constantly inspire others.I love your blogs. If you need a break we will be here for you when you return.
Sometimes I feel lonely in the cyber world too …Take care.
hugs sweetie, thinking of you and i have those lost and lonely days too where i just want to jump…
((((((HUGE SQUISHY HUGS))))) my friend!
The internet is full of negative people, just as much as the real world. But it is also easier to find the good eggs, and kindred spirits out there who you most likely would never otherwise meet.
Take Care
xxoo
Jodi, I hope you’re okay and things get better for you soon. Take care.
Sorry you’re feeling lost Lightening. You have lots of friends here on your blog who will continue to support you through the highs and lows. I hope tomorrow is better.
Ahhh, the internet! Most times it’s lovely, but every now and then some Loser who lives behind a keyboard because he/she doesn’t have a life types out some slime-covered comments.
The ridiculous thing is that those comments stay with us, long after the good ones are forgotten. I don’t know why we hang onto the negative. Crazy. So don’t worry about them. Post away your sticker swap stuff, make yourself a coffee and move on with your (full, non-Loserish) life.
(And thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to write reports. *sigh*
Sending you lots of hugs. I hope that the internet can be kind to you again and not full of hurt for you. I know how much various places mean to you and that you have given them your all.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
HUGS.
The rollercoaster will continue. Hopefully the Ups and Downs will rise so that the Ups keep going up and the lows move up (instead of further down), but you will still have ups and downs.
Try that one thing that makes you smile tonight for tomorrow. And then again tomorrow. If you can get up smiling you will get through the day easier.
Put something on your bedside table, pin it to the ceiling above your bed, the first place you see. Make it pink or pretty or both or whatever you know you cant help but smile at. If you smile, your insides find it harder to fight.
And be forgiving of yourself. Its Ok to have bad days. Its Ok to wanna leave, you just gotta make sure you fight the urge once its been had. But dont fight having the urge or you will be in battle forever.
More HUGS.
{{{{hugs}}}}
Just so you know that there are nice people on the internet too… I found your blog through a friend, and as such do not know you, but I wish you well as you ride out this bump.
Thanks for your budget tips, I came back to re-read them.
The ‘net (and before them computer BBS) have always been full of pricks. It is something about the anonymity of the media. Also, the more public your presence on the ‘net, the more likely you are to encounter negative people. The bigger a forum/blog gets, the more likely you are to attract resident trolls (that is, people who will hang around and annoy you specifically just to get a reaction).
I’ve been dealing with it since my USENET days when you were still in Melbourne and still have to deal with it on a regular basis today. This is probably something that you’ll need to devote some consideration to given your goal to have a higher ‘net profile. Higher profile = more trolls. It doesn’t matter if your the fluffy marshmallow happiness bilby bringing joy to the children, there is always going to be someone out there wanting to pee in your cornflakes.
I hope tomorrow is a better day! And there are a lot more pleasant people around than unpleasant ones.
Hang on tight and enjoy the ride. I know that highs are followed by lows, but the reverse is also true. And remember, when you hit the bottom, the only place to go is up. Write down what bothers you, then put it through a paper shredder. Imagine the piece of paper is the person who made you feel low.
{{{HUGS}}}
I wish I had some wisdom for you, Jodi. I have BTDT and keep GTDT. Can I send you some organic dark choc?
Take some backward steps. Sometimes we have to retreat before we advance, and sometimes we need to change course.
hugs
Sorry you’re feeling down. *hugs*
Hugs Lightening.
I know how hard this is.
Hang on tight. Don’t look at the other passengers, don’t worry whether they are enjoying the ride or not. Just look straight ahead.
There are many of us here on the net who believe you will survive this ride and help others survive it too.
Hugs is all I got and cyber hugs at that
Sweetie, you know I am always here for you. Email me if you want to talk. Anytime.
smootches
Hey there - as one of your commenters has already said, it is harsh that the negative comments stick around long after the warm and fuzzy ones have gone, like they have more power and are more worthy - you know they’re not.
They are just little people who have no power save for the spittle that drips from their fingertips. Don’t allow this spittle sap the good from those who would help you stay aright who also dwell out here in cyberspace.
The rollercoaster is no fun when it bottoms out, almost as bad is the view from the top KNOWING the bottom is there waiting to get you. I hope you get your money’s worth from the ride soon - a lot of us have had our own rides - not yours, so we don’t EXACTLY know your experience, but enough to know the fear and the dark.
Lots of hugs - and some really strong warm and fuzzies.
Hope today is better for you.
Just for today….. that’s all you need to take care of.
I am sorry you are feeling hurt by people at the moment.
Could some of it be the fact you are feeling vulnerable anyway and those comments which would normally not matter, do??
Whatever it is, sending you prayers and warm wishes.
Hi Jodi, you have supported me with your words of encouragement through some of my darkest times and I wanted to let you know that I will be there for you as a shoulder to lean on or someone to talk whenever you need me. As you know I am riding that rollercoaster too. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending you (((hugs))) as you have done for me so many times. I will keep you in my thoughts xx Linda.
AMEN AMEN AMEN… you just wrote exactly what I have been feeling in far better ways than I could describe. Sending HUGS to you babe!
Wishing you ferris wheels. I’m sorry I haven’t been around - The roller coaster ride has been getting to me too. But I’m thinking of you. Many {{{hugs}}}.
Hi Lightening,
In the past, I have felt exactly as you describe you’re feeling now. And I know it’s horrible! Make sure to lean on your family and close friends for support. And I’ll say a prayer for you.
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so low
Lil xox
((hugs))
Been feeling a bit the same way of late, the negative was starting to out-weigh the positive.
Hope you find the silver lining soon, it’s there somewhere, really!
I’m so sorry that people in blogworld have been hurtful. There’s an odd contingent in the world, isn’t there, that feels a need to inflict pain? I saw a show about the parents of Madeline Mc Cann recently, and they get a lot of mail, of course, most of which is very supportive and heartfelt, and every now and then there is a letter full of vitriol. Why do some people want to cause the suffering to suffer more? I just don’t get it.
Anyway, the only person who can love you properly is you. I always think of a bubble bath, candles, and a glass of champagne as the ultimate in showing myself love. Pity our bath only fits one half of my body or the other.
We always found it is one of those things that seems to cycle round - the good and dark sides of the internet. And it can be just as hard to figure out relationships online as off.
Hope things smooth out for you some soon.
Sorry to hear things have been crappy Lightening
I hope things settle down for you soon.
I know all to well how much that bad side of the net can hurts. It can be worse than IRL I think, so many more mixed emotions and it’s hard for people on the outside to understand.
I am sure you will come out the other side stronger
(ETA)Oh god your timestamp scared the crap out of me, posted my comment..3:01pm..thought I had forgotten the kids! *faint*
I am a bit late as I only just saw your post.
Hope the roller coaster has made its way up again for you.
I can have my moods as well which isn’t fun at all. My wife is an acupuncturist and traditional Chinese medicine practitioner and has been able to shorten and level my mood swings with herbs and the odd acupuncture treatment quite a lot.
If you are open to alternative medicine I would recommend giving an acupuncturist and traditional Chinese medicine practitioner a go. They may help you make the mood swings less pronounced as my wife did for me. It has made my life so much better