Talking With Children About Death
On Saturday the mother of one of Leighton’s friends passed away. She has been battling cancer for a little while and just when it looked like things were in the clear, they discovered it had gone into her bones and her brain.
When I heard the news that she had perhaps days to live, I thought it might be best if I talked to Leighton about what was happening.
The school had gone as far as telling the class that she was very sick.
I thought talking to my kids about sex would be a challenge. To be honest, I haven’t found that hard at all.
Talking about death? It wasn’t even something that had entered my mind.
Unless of course, you’re talking about an “old” person. Older people dying seems to be a little bit easier to handle (not that my children have had to deal with that yet either).
A mother of young children dying?
The hardest conversation I think I’ve had as a mother so far.
How do you answer the question “you won’t die, will you mum?”
How can I give him the assurance he needs?
I can’t make a promise that is beyond my control to keep.
I desperately wish that I could stop my 10 year old’s world from being turned upside down. That he didn’t now have to live with the uncertainty that sometimes peoples parents die. A LONG time before they’re ready for them to.
This lady has 3 children. 11, 9 and 8 years old. They had a wonderful family life. It just doesn’t seem fair.
And no matter how much I try to teach my children that life isn’t fair. I really wish it was.
Because what mother wants to even contemplate their own children having to grow up without them?
I think I can safely say that it’s most mothers worst nightmare.
To live with the fact that you are GOING to leave them must be even worse.
I HATE the thought of ANY child growing up without the love of a mother. I know it happens for all kinds of reasons. But, it’s. not. fair.
Saturday ended up being a bittersweet day. Because it was just after I came off the netball court that I heard the news. It was expected. But it doesn’t make it any less tragic or sad.
I was glad I’d chosen to talk to Leighton on Thursday night about what was going to happen. But it’s a conversation I really WISH wasn’t necessary.
And for all the heartache of having to explain death to my own child, it’s nothing on what the children of this lady are going through.
How do you explain death to a child?
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I don’t know, but I had to do it recently with Daisy. Her best friend’s “Mum” died. “Mum” because she was the lesbian partner of her biological mother, but very much Mum to her daughter and son. She had been battling ovarian cancer for a couple of years, and it had spread. She continued to fight the battle with chemo which made her really sick. She had good days and bad days, but never really publicly acknowledged the bad.
She had been in hospital for 8-10 days and wasn’t well but no-one thought that it was going to be the end of the road. It was very unexpected.
Daisy cried when I told her. We just held each other and cried (I’m crying now dammit) for the loss of a truly wonderful person, and Daisy’s tears were for her friend.
I don’t think that its ever easy to talk to your kids about death, regardless of the circumstances. But I wanted Daisy to know that its OK to be upset, that’s human, and that its OK to talk about the person who has died. To remember the times that you had with them. And that death is a part of life.
One thing that really helped me was the sermon from Widdle Shamrock’s priest about death. I’ll see if I can find it and leave you a link. Maybe you and/or Leighton could read that - wise words from a very wise man, I think.
And {{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you, its never easy and I feel your pain having only done it a month ago. And hugs to Leighton too - I hope that he can kind of understand, although its hard.
It IS hard - I too had to explain to my child the concept of death far too young. But it is a bit like the discrimination talk or the sex talk - when IS the right time? A bit before they need it is the ideal, I think.
Good on you for equipping your child to handle facts of life.
I told my daughter (in response to the “are you going to die” question) that no-one could chose when they went, but I would do my best to stick around as long as I could, until she was really, really old if possible.
This is never an easy topic. When I spoke of this to my children, I was very honest but I reassured them that my time will not come yet.
You do the best you can. Children are a lot stronger than we think.
This was something my husband and I had to deal with when I was diagnosed with leukaemia. At the time, we weren’t really sure what my future would be. We didn’t want to scare the kids unneccesarily so we spoke to them about death in general terms. I can tell you that it was the hardest thing that I have ever done.
Fortunately my future is looking good now, however we continue to talk about death whenever the subject is raised. We have told them that eventually everyone dies, even mum and dad. Sometimes it’s because of old age when bodies are worn out and can’t go anymore, sometimes they get very sick or hurt and doctors can’t fix them. I think the hardest thing for our kids to comprehend is that someone who has always been there (eg a parent) will no longer be there when they die. I guess this will come when they get older.
That’s not to say that dealing with death will be any easier when it happens, but I think that having the discussions before something happens takes away the burden and confusion of having to do it at the time.
It’s such a difficult topic to deal with and you can never be sure what the kids are making of what you’re telling them. I guess the best thing to do is to prepare them as best you can and make sure they get whatever support they need.
I have talked to my boys about death from when they were tiny. Because we talk about my brother (who died 13 years ago) a lot & celebrate his life, I made sure that they understood. This made a lot easier than when a little boy in DS5’s daycare class died last year - he understood & we were able to put it into the terms he understood.
I really don’t believe in hiding it from them - it is part of life. In saying that, I do think there are some things they should still be protected from. For example, I didn’t take them to the little boys funeral as I thought there would be too many distressed people that they knew, particularly their carers, & it would frighten them - I was right with that.
DS8 is apparently worrying that his father won’t come back from his deployment, so again we have had more conversations about that.
I just hope that when someone close to them does die that I have prepared them enough to understand and be able to cope.
I am sorry for their loss . It is not fair.It’s heartbreaking.
Very difficult - my cousin passed away 5 yrs ago (ovarian/bowel ca) leaving 6 children from 4 - 18 .The youngest was also separated from the other 5 siblings (different Dad - they went to SA she was in NSW) and ended up fostered with us for 3 weeks - barely three weeks after her mother died.We were strangers to her.
It was the most heartbreaking thing trying to explain to a 4.5 yr why she couldn’t see her mother again. Every night she cried for her. I cried too for the little girl’s grief.
The girl is now 9.5 she has lived with my sister for last 6 months .Before this on her birthday last year she at one stage refused to have happy birthday sung to her/ celebrate because she wanted her mum … old enough to understand but she so young and unfair.
I agree to know you are going to leave them is difficult for ‘you’ as the parent … worse maybe but at least you can prepare them and they can if anyone can be prepared too - to lose someone.
My thoughts go out to the family.
It is never easy and I think you can only ease your child’s fears about their own and your mortality. In terms of spiritual realm too it may be different for some people.
The thought of leaving my kids scares me silly….. my heart just breaks for any family, any mother who goes through this.
Our girls have had quite a bit to do with death in their four short years - they have been to 6 funeral since they were born! Mostly with great grandparents dying but their grandfather (my FIL) died after a heart transplant just after the girls turned two. They had never known him when he was well (actually neither did I) so even at that young age they knew he was sick. They were also there when we turned the machines off and finally let him go after weeks with him in a coma and they were also there at his funeral, saw him in the open casket and saw it being put into the ground….
While they were too young to really understand many explanations back then it became apparent when my DH’s grandmother died this past new years eve that they had a pretty good understanding of it all. They were also there when she died and were able to verbalise how they felt and how they knew that everyone would miss her etc etc.
As much as I wish my kids still had their Grampy (not to mention their other great grandparents) I am glad that part of his legacy is an easier understanding of death and dying for them. They still talk about him and they still ask me if I am going to die… and it still scares me…..
I don’t think you can ever really prepare someone for death…. but I think you have done a great thing for your son by being open and honest about it all.
Our first experience with death was when my father died, and my now 10 year old was 4. It was a first for both of us, as the last person in my family to die was my grandpa when I was 12…I am turning 39 tomorrow!
I remember the controversy so vividly, because I chose to tell my daughter the truth. During that time, it helped me to write about our journey, both of these stories are now published, but you can see short excerpts at http://goddessinthegroove.com/goddessmomma.html
I feel that children have to learn to see death as a cycle. Personally, I do not believe that death just wipes you away, so it is much easier accepting death. Of course, losing a mom is devasting to a young child, but is it so much different than losing a parent as an adult? You can’t tell them the person was just sick or old, because it will scare them to death every time you get sick, or as you and they turn older! I think the hardest thing is the knowledge that you can never touch or talk to the person again.
Our society turns death into the ultimate goodbye, into something violent. I teach my kids that the body is a shell, and the spirit lives on. It helps us cope, as we speak to my father, and our loved dog of 17 years, almost every other night beneath the stars :).
I do not think there is an easy way, because when you lose a loved one, especially a parent who nurtures you, teaches you, hugs you, feeds you, clothes you, etc, there is really nothing that can take that place. But there is solace in knowing that this loved one can still be with you in spirit, underneath the stars or underneath your favorite tree…
Good luck to you!
I think you were totally right to discuss it in advance of it happening, that will have lessened the horror of it. you can’t promise to be there forever. my ex died when Rosie was 10, he’d been ill so the conversation had been done. my answer to any fears about me not being there forever was to write a will and ‘leave’ Rosie to my best friend who is her favourite person.
I agree, death is one of those weird subjects that we just don’t seem to talk about. A few years ago, 2 students at my kids school died (one from leukaemia and one as a result of a motorbike accident). C6 was too young, but H9 had just started school. They did the whole releasing balloons and stuff and we talked about it, but I don’t think she really understood.
Then, over Easter, we were at the cemetary in Lipson (don’t ask why) and then in Tumby Bay. H9 saw all the graves that belonged to children and was really fascinated by them. Not in a morbid way, just a “I want to understand this” kind of way. We spent some time talking about what happens when people die, both physically and spiritually (I really do believe that this is easier when you have Christain beliefs). We talked about the kids at school who have had parents die (there are a couple) and talked about the kids who had died.
Kids seem to deal with it differently to us. Not better or worse, just differently. Children will amaze you by their resilience.
I’m glad you had the courage to talk to L about this before it happened. It doesn’t make it easier, but it does lessen the confusion.
I agree with you, Lightening, it’s a good thing you spoke to him before his friend’s mother died, and I also agree that it’s one topic you can’t necessarily make easy for your kids. My 2 daughters were always very conscious of the possiblilty that they might lose a parent because I had lost mine, so there was no easy way of softening the awareness for them. My younger daughter in particular had a very hard time coming to terms with the idea for many years. I always meant to get her that ‘Life After Life’ book, but never got around to it. I thought it might make it easier for her if she had a belief that if one of her parents died, they would still be around in another sense, and would in a state of ecstasy and peace.
{{{{ Lightening }}}}
That is such a hard conversation to have.
Annie (5yo) obsesses constantly about her Omi (grandmother) passing away. One day she realised that Omi was her Daddy’s Mum and that started us off on a whole new tangent. I still don’t have any really good answers to her questions.
My best solution was to visit our local Christian Bookshop and get some books from them that seemed to help a little.
Just wanted to say thank you to all of you that have had an input into this discussion. I’ve hung off responding to give you a “free for all” to say what you think without my interference.
I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and experience.
If anyone has anything else they’d like to say, don’t let this comment stop you.
Oh My Oh My!! I have just read the paper and found out that it was J (yes, I am a day late - but hey) I didn’t realise that she had deteriorated so quickly. I was only talking to W a few weeks ago and he gave me no indication that things were not well. I am still trying to work out how to tell my own daughter. She loves W and she didn’t know that J was ill…. :(( My day has just been turned upside down. Do I ring W? Do I wait till I see him next? Do I send a card? A letter? I’m trying to remember my last conversation with him. He was complimenting me on the lovely painted pasta necklace I was wearing, and I was rabbiting on about our 5 year plan for our house and lives….. who knew he didn’t even have a 5 week plan. :((
Gnometree - it did all happen very quickly. Without knowing how close you are to W, I can’t really say what would be best. Most likely a card at the moment. I imagine he needs a bit of space just to come to terms with things.
Carnival of (winter in Cairns) Australia…
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