Netball Grief
* image from www.tara.qld.gov.au/
It is 21 years since I played Netball.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
We were a team that hardly ever won. Maybe even NEVER?
Most of us hadn’t been playing netball very long. Maybe a year or two.
Then along came Mrs Thompson.
She was the kind of lady that scared little kids. Well, probably big kids too. I was 11 so I guess I probably considered myself to be a “big kid”.
She was TOUGH. She worked us hard. She took no nonsense.
If you didn’t make it to training on time - you’d better have a VERY good reason.
If you didn’t make it to training at all - look out!!!
If she didn’t think you were putting your full effort in - you’d know about it.
Every. single. one. of us…….LOVED her!!!
She taught us what it meant to be a team.
She taught us that every. single. person has value.
I didn’t come across many adults like her throughout my childhood. When I was around her I felt like I MATTERED. Not by anything she SAID but by her very attitude and actions.
I grew up feeling like a nobody. I didn’t feel like I was GOOD at anything.
Netball was different.
I mattered.
I belonged.
I contributed.
People said I had a chance to be an “A grader”.
No-one had ever made me feel like that before.
Like I could reach for the stars. And maybe, just maybe, hold one in my hand.
I was used to playing around in the dirt.
The dirty. The dusty. The invisible. The forgotten.
In the space of a few weeks we went from a team that had NEVER won a game - to almost unbeatable.
I wasn’t the best player on the team.
But I never ONCE felt like that mattered.
Because EVERYONE mattered.
Mrs Thompson made sure of that.
We only lost 1 game that season. Our second game of the season.
But it wasn’t winning or losing that mattered. It was the effort we put in. If we lost, we trained hard. If we won, we trained hard.
I remember Mrs Thompson talking about how much training we would have to do when we reached A grade. We were being groomed for the future.
A bunch of “losers” being transformed by the love and care of one lady.
At the end of the season, as we celebrated our Grand Final win, Mrs Thompson talked about us being a team. A team that sticks together. She was adamant that every single one of us move into a C-grade team together.
I cried.
I knew we were moving.
Moving a long way away.
To another state.
A city.
A foreign place.
I was losing my team.
I was losing my sense of place in the world.
I cried on that day.
I cried on and off for a time as I settled into a totally foreign land.
Then one day I packed away my tears and tucked them deep inside of me.
I never got to play netball again.
I’m not sure why.
I went back to that child in the dust. Lonely. Unlovable. Invisible. Useless.
Last Saturday the tears came again.
I wandered around the sporting grounds feeling like I didn’t belong.
All the emotion of those childhood days, flooding back to the surface.
Grief over what might have been. Over what I wanted to be.
A part of a team. A person that mattered.
It came out of nowhere. But the tears would be stemmed no more.
I sat in the car. Alone. Alone in a place FILLED with people. Alone and in pain.
And the tears came.
All I wanted was to work on my fitness.
To take the time I was at training and make use of it.
To enjoy some company and fellowship while I trained with the other netballers.
I didn’t know all of this lay hidden. Carefully tucked away in my heart. In a dark corner where no-one would ever find it.
I didn’t know that getting back on the court would bring with it a fresh wave of grief over what I lost. The sights. The sounds. The smells. The feeling of the ball hitting my hand. The sound of pounding feet on the hard surface.
The child within me cried out.
Longing to be wanted.
To be a part of a team.
To matter.
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- The Power of the Mind
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You matter.
You are part of the blogging team.
We might communicate virtually but we are real people.
((hugs))
Yes, and VERY treasured friends too. Thank you and (((HUGS))) right back at you.
I can’t improve on what Marita said.
Thanks Frogdancer.
Lightening, that was so moving. It’s strange how we can suppress something from our childhood, something that as an adult we don’t really think means that much. And then out of the blue it comes to the surface and all the feelings are very real again.
Cyber hugs to you.
Yes, it seems I was a LOT better at suppressing stuff than I ever gave myself credit for. It’s just a pity I couldn’t pick and choose when this stuff was going to “throw up all over me”. ;o Thanks for the hugs and sending them back to you too.
{{HUGE HUGS}} She seems like a very special lady..
She was indeed. {{{HUGS}}} to you too.
It’s a pity I’m not likely to get the chance to ever tell her how special.
I hear and feel your pain. DD can’t understand why I encourage (push) her to play netball. She really does love it (and got a mention in last weeks Tribune), but some days she just can’t be bothered to put in an effort. She’d rather just sit and play on her computer. She cannot foresee now how important these team sports will be for her social future. I’ve sat in that same car as you, and cried those same tears. I had my own personal netball letdown a few weeks ago, and I’m still angry. Angry with the new team for not giving me a go. Angry with my parents for not letting me play netball (I played my first real game when I was 17 after I had left home). Angry with myself for doubting my own abilities… Lets start our own team! Can I be Goal Keeper. I can’t run very far / fast and I’m not very accurate with my throws, but I can stare someone down…
Big Hugs
Your club isn’t exactly well-known for their “niceties”.
It’s such a hard call with kids. I haven’t had to deal with that. DD is mad keen and it’s only her training year this year. I reckon I’m too short for Goal Keeper so it’s all yours! 
{{{HUGS}}} back at ya.
*huggggggggggg*
That’s quite a breakthrough you’ve made there… although it might not feel like it.
Yes, it is. A very draining one but a breakthrough nonetheless. Hopefully as all this junk drains out of me, it’ll leave more room for the “real” me. I’m sure I’m under there somewhere. I think these processes are helpful in making us realise that not all of our reactions are really related to stuff going on in the here and now. Stuff from our past can play a part. Although less of a part if we can recognise and deal with it.
You know you matter here and now, right?
It does help to me reminded. Thanks.
{{{HUGS}}} for you too.
((((HUGE SQUISHY HUGS)))) Darl.
I just shed a tear along with you.
I have to admit there were plenty as I was writing it. But it was very cathartic to write and it’s nice to be “heard”.
But do you know what was GREAT! That you recognised where it all came from, and allowed yourself to feel it & release it.
Well Done Gorgeous! It is all progress.
I know I sometimes I get overcome but can never quite pinpoint why.
It is indeed progress. It’s a bit of a bugger that it’s so exhausting though.
You do matter. And you are loved by many just the way you are.
I am just amazed and so proud of the progress you are making of late.
Thanks. It helps to be reminded. I have to admit the progress still feels very slow.
Take Care
K
Thanks and {{{HUGS}}} for you too
Keep coming to training. We will always make every effort to include you, you are important and you are doing so well.
Thanks.
It’s a great club to be involved in. I did particularly notice last training night how encouraging people were being. Hopefully I can move forward from this with a LOT less baggage attached.
Just a thought. If you don’t feel ready, or feel its too late this year to take the court you are more than welcome to give me a hand with the team. I could really use a manageress! I’m the worlds most disorganised coach, and it would be lovely to have you there to help me with the team juggling decisions, which are pretty hard to make on your own. As you know I was forced to give up netball before I was ready, so I know how hard it is, and I have wandered around at netball feeling like I don’t belong. You do belong. You matter. You are valued, probably more than you know. And if you decide to come help me out you will be PRICELESS!
I’m happy to help in whatever way I can. I’m not sure how reliable I’ll be with these med changes but I’m happy to do what I can.
You will still let me train though, right????
Hugs
Sharon.
{{{HUGS}}} back at you too.
Hi my favourite person in the virtual world.
Great post.
Oh Emma. You made me smile. Glad you liked it. Some days the best posts are those that are raw and real. No frills attached.
What an amazing post. And thank you for sharing a lot of yourself with us all.
You matter to me. You are important. I really treasure you as a friend and hope that maybe one day that we can meet face to face. Although if we don’t, the friendship is still just as important.
You may not feel it at the moment but you are an inspiration to me. And I know to many others as well. I’m so proud of you and everything that you do. And I am honoured to know you and I hope be considered a friend.
I hope that by acknowledging the cause of your grief and writing this post that it is a step in the direction of healing for you.
Thanks Gemisht. I LOVE my online friends dearly. Getting all this out has made a HUGE difference. It was so great to be able to recognise where the pain was coming from. It really helped me to deal with it. I think my counsellor will start to think she’s obsolete!!!! She’s overseas right now anyway so I guess it’s a good thing I’ve been able to work through this one without her.
You made me cry reading this!
I felt sad for all you went through with your feelings
I felt sad for myself for never belonging to anything much in particular
There was tears of happiness for you getting back to it
There were tears in the hope that one day I might find something that I belong at
There were tears for my daughter for not being asked to try outfor an interleague squad (despite being named best player every week and giving her absolute all every game - more to do with the fact that the coaches daughter can’t play very well and is on the same team and doesn’t like the fact that my daughter is better that her - and as punishment for this my daughter is not allowed to try out - despite the fact that she would make the team easily someone’s nastiness is preventing that ) I cried that she has had to learn this life’s lesson this way - I also cried that no one came to her defence in the meeting they just let it happen (but I am happy that a lot of people have expressed their surprise at this decision. (oops sorry, that all came bursting out of me, it must be one of those weeks
{{{HUGS}}} Katrina. Sorry it has taken me a few days to respond. I hadn’t meant it to.
Thanks for being so open and honest and getting your feelings out there. Life can be tough at times, that’s for sure.
Oh, (((hugs))) to you! I sure hope you’ve found a bit of peace from letting all that out. And I will chime in with everyone else - you do matter and are so important to obviously lots! of people. Why else would we all keep coming back to visit?
Keep chugging along Lightening, your fans are here cheering you on!
Thanks Jenn.
It’s been wonderful having such supportive and caring friends here.
What a fantastic post.
I never played netball - by the time I was even introduced to it, all the girls who were on the teams were experts and I didn’t even contemplate trying to break in to the little club. Do you know I have still never played a full game?
Well apparently it’s never too late. Or so I’ve been told. I guess it does depend on the club and their attitude.
However - we had softball, and from Grade 2 my little school was the hottest darned little school team in the whole region. We were inspired - probably helped that we all HAD to play in the team as it was such a little school!
I am so glad that lady came into your life and gave you value. I am sorry that her influence could not have stayed with you through some times of trouble - but the fact that she gave you those months and these memories are a very worthy tribute.
Me too. I hope that one day I can do the same for another child. Whether it be through netball or some other way.
Of course you can still train silly! I need you to keep training so that I get motivate to get out there.
LOL. Well, you just boss me. Whatever, however, whenever.
you do matter. heaps to me too. remember i was down and your e-mail arrived and made a big difference to my day, and how i feel about things.
so thankyou for spreading Mrs Thomson’s good deeds!!
Thanks Claire. I’m glad it helped in some small way.
Great post Lightning… wow!
I had an experience that saw me catching up with my past in a very similar way… simply had me being too full and the ‘glass’ simply overflowed! I had no idea why and i struggled with the fact that I couldn’t contain it… so well done mate - I think you’re right, we all need our own (not so) little netball teams! It’s why I still keep up with my ex-defence force mates… we’re jus t another type of netball team mate!
Cheers
Thanks Belongum.
We can deny it all we like but if there is pain there that hasn’t been dealt with, it will come up sooner or later.
[...] presents Netball Grief posted at Lightening Online, saying, “A raw and emotional post with bittersweet memories of [...]
Just a note to anyone subscribed to this comments thread that I have responded to each of the comments within the comment themselves rather than separately. Just wanted to make a more personal response this time round. My apologies for the delay in responding to the rest of the comments. :/