Quote ” I grew up feeling that my feelings were invalid. That I was too emotional and basically my emotions were WRONG.”

Work on these doubts, and you will start to feel just how exceptional you are.

I know cause those two sentences just described not only how i felt and often still feel, but also what my parents would have me believe. What helped me understand that it wasnt just me, is the fact that several of my siblings admitted to feeling and thinking these same doubts, but they had to reach adulthood to even admit it to themselves first and then to me in a sort of apology for the way they ignored what was happening to me.

Reading that post and especially those two sentences almost floored me. Here is someone who I value as an exceptional and breathtakingly amazing woman, admitting she has the same feelings I do. What happened in our lives may be totally different, doesnt mean they are any less traumatic than each others experience, cause in the end it had the same results, doubting yourself, doubting your memories, perceptions and feelings. Noone can judge that your experiences were “LESS THAN” someone elses, even you cant judge that, because you cant feel or know how it affected the other person. Dont try to judge it either, because it just feeds your own self doubt. Someone else might have had it worse, but that DOESN”T make what happened to you ANY LESS. Allow yourself the respect to grieve for your losses, help yourself heal the hurts, dont diminish them just because someone else might seem to have had it worse than you. You may find that they feel the same way and think that you had it worse, and I know you wouldnt wish upon them the same guilt you are putting upon yourself.

As for the weaning, use the exercise as much as you can and when you think you cant handle something, use the anger or frustration or feelings of helplessness to help you hit that punching bag harder and faster or run that extra few hundred metres, cause that will help mentally and physically (changing frustration to energy causes significant and positive changes in the seratonin, epi-nephrine and norepi-nephrine levels in the brain and will help you need less and less medication).

Give yourself reasonable goals and have presents for yourself when you reach that goal (a cute pink pen tied to a tree at the end of the extra kilometer you want to reach - hubby could help tie it there for you to have to get to it etc, or an extralong bubble bath or whatever level of treat matches the level of goal attained).

Ooh and definitely wean, I got really sick while taking AD’s and basically stopped cold turkey cause i couldnt keep them down for more than 10 seconds as even a mouthful of water rebounded. The cold turkey of AD’s is not only horrendously painful (worse migraines than ever, nausea, fevers, vomiting) but is also physically dangerous too. For me the cold turkey ended in me having an allergic reaction to the meds when i was well enough to start taking them again, so I cant take those particular meds (and likely any in the related drug family) again without severe reactions.

I think it is fantastic that you have it planned, you are putting your supports into place and into play before you start the hardest part, you are mentally preparing yourself (and hopefully hubby too), and having all those plans and supports gives you the greatest chance of succeeding, its well thought out, not a spur of the moment whim and its on a reasonable timetable too.

So hoping this makes sense and doesnt sounds overbearing and know it all ish. Many Many HUGS and CHEERS, because YOU REALLY DO DESERVE THEM ALL!!

What you aren’t ready to admit (or accept) is that you are exceptional.

I’m not being trite or simplistic in saying that. I know you well enough to know that for you to truly accept that you are exceptional will be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do.

(of course when you do, look out world)

I really don’t FEEL exceptional.

That’s the catch. You won’t until you choose to accept that you are.

Maggie - thanks. One day at a time is an excellent reminder.

Trish - great lyrics! Thanks.

Lulu - thank you for taking the time to comment. I would never find any comment presumptuous. Your support whether vocal or silent is greatly appreciated.

Kerrie - thank you. I always love your cyber hugs!

Stuffy - you made me cry!!!! It’s been a while since you’ve done that! I know you’re right and you know that I don’t want to admit that you’re right. As much as we change as we grow, there are some things that don’t change. Thanks for the timely reminder. I really don’t FEEL exceptional. :/

Lynette - one thing I am truly glad of is that I don’t need to face this in my own strength alone.

Guera - I hope they’re PINK pom poms.

Emma - thank you. I honestly don’t know what to say to that.

Lisa - I’m hoping those streamers are PINK too!

Gemisht - I just wish I could get over that hump that convinces me I AM worthless. Like you said, it does need to come from within. I’m just not sure how to make that happen.

Cat - that’s good to know (note to everyone else: Cat has been discussing chocolate and child labour on her blog - worth a read).

Kate - I agree about choice. Farmboy and I went through that process a little while ago with a controlling situation we were in. For a long time we felt trapped by our situation. Until we realised that we did have a choice. We might not like any of the options but if we chose to stay, we still had a choice. No one could control us without us letting them. Now we’re trying to teach our children (especially Leighton) that how they react is their choice in any situation. It’s not an easy thing to learn. What I do now with the things that have happened in my past is my choice. Not sure I like all of my options right now but at least I know I’m not trapped into any circumstances completely. Not anymore anyway (bit different as a child).

Anja - yeah, I was pretty proud of that effort. It’s taken a while to build back up to. My goal is the city to surf 12km fun run. One day.

Widdle Shamrock - thank you.

Bettina - yeah, I’m feeling very happy with my decision to “go for it”. Whether I still am down the track or not….. at least I’ll be able to say I gave it all I had.

Thanks again everyone.

You have cheers from half way around the world. Just take things one day at a time.

Oh yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
‘Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
‘Cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin’ arms across the land
But I’m still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

My Little Drummer boys

You deserve the best, and it seemed that the post you read today was a message for you!

If you go ahead with the detox, best of luck, it will be tough (have detoxed off anti-depressants before) but if the medication is not doing what it should be doing then it will be worth it, even if you later decide to try another medication….Take a time to do things you enjoy during that time and try to relax, as strange as that sounds!

Good luck!