The Challenge
I’m quite a fan of Motivational Speaker Craig Harper. In fact, I subscribe to his blog so that I can get regular doses of his wisdom and inspiration. I’m actually kind of surprised that someone that is such a popular speaker and writer would give of themselves so freely by way of a blog that anyone can read and participate in. I think it shows a lot about his HEART.
This morning I read his post Mind of a Teacher, Heart of a Student and something within that post really spoke to me. He talks about a man he met at a conference he was speaking at named Bobby Cappucchio.
Here’s an excerpt from the post that really stood out to me:
It’s so incredible what we can do when we find a way, rather than find an excuse. There were so many reasons for Bobby to be anything but amazing and nobody would have blamed him. But he chose to live an amazing existence and to be the most he could, with what he has. And he has done it incredibly well.
I hope you do too.
At that moment it hit me right between the eyes that I really DO want more from my life. Those around me that have heard my story are quick to say that I haven’t had the easiest of lives. People haven’t always treated me well and I’ve allowed them to continue doing so into my adult life because I didn’t feel that I deserved anything better.
For a long time I felt that because there were people out there who’d had worse childhood’s than mine, any hardship I may have experienced didn’t count. It wasn’t the worst therefore it had to have been okay. I guess through counselling and having the support of professionals around me, I’m realising that there were things that weren’t OKAY and trying to say they were okay is actually hindering my recovery process.
It’s not easy because I’m very quick to blame myself for things that happen. Even now I have moments of doubt where I think that all of my struggles are in my head and a result of me misunderstanding my whole childhood.
I guess the fact remains that whatever intent my parents had, it didn’t change the fact that I FELT unwanted, unloved, insecure and worthless. It has taken a long time for my counsellor to get through to me that my feelings are VALID irrespective of how anyone else might view the situation.
I grew up feeling that my feelings were invalid. That I was too emotional and basically my emotions were WRONG. For those who don’t read my “For I Know the Plans I Have For You” blog, I wrote about one such experience from my childhood in this blogpost.
So, where am I heading with all of this? Some of you in your comments over the past couple of days have reminded me of the power of adversity to make us stronger. I feel like I’m ready for the adversity to be over so I can get on with the “being stronger” part of my life.
But we don’t always have that choice do we? Some people seem to go through life with knock after knock and how they keep getting back on their feet is beyond me. Lately I’ve been feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me and I’m not confident I have the strength to keep getting up after each knock-down.
Perhaps this is where my fear stems from in terms of weaning off my current medication. I’m ready to give in and accept a kind of “half life” rather than go through yet another round of knock downs and struggle.
But the human spirit is amazingly powerful.
Here’s another excerpt from Craig’s post:
What too many people don’t realise is that it’s the challenges and the discomfort that cause us to grow if, and when, we step up to the plate. As I’ve said before, pain is our greatest teacher if we choose to learn.
I’m not disputing the fact that we all face real adversity, real pain, real tragedy and real hardship even in our privileged lives (if you’re not starving, you’re privileged), what I am saying is that we can choose to be exceptional despite our situation, despite our circumstance and despite whatever challenges life throws at us.
I want to choose to be exceptional.
I want to CHOOSE to be exceptional.
I don’t say this lightly. I’m still afraid of what the future holds. I’m still working through issues and events that have hurt me and made me consider myself to be a worthless human being.
I don’t believe for a second that the road ahead of me is going to be easy. But I choose to believe that it is going to be worth it.
So, where to from here?
Farmboy and I have pretty much decided that I will “detox” from the medication I’m currently on, do a stint on nothing and then make a decision about whether to try another medication. I’m not against using medication to help with my condition. I AM against taking a medication that doesn’t help. Maybe what I’m taking now is helping more than we realise. Or maybe not. There is only one way to find out.
The plan - such that it is
I have another 2 and a half weeks until I begin working with my personal trainer. In this time I want to continue working on my fitness and strength so that when we do begin, I’m ready to hit the ground running.
Last night I actually managed to jog the full 3km that I’ve been working back up to. It’s frustrating to think that this time last year I could jog 5km and enjoy it rather than it being a chore. It’s hard not to lament my loss of fitness but I’m trying to focus on the future rather than the past. I’ve done it before so I KNOW I can do it again.
I will then have 4 weeks of training with my personal trainer before I next see the Psychiatrist and we begin the gradual process of weaning off the drugs. The poor girl has no idea what she’s getting herself into. I hope she doesn’t bale on me when I explain what’s happening. I think I *need* her now more than ever.
I am *hoping* to be able to maintain as much exercise as possible during the weaning process as it will help.
The future?
Right now, what the future holds is anybody’s guess. Not that any of us REALLY know what the future holds for us.
In terms of this blog, it will be “business as usual” as much as is possible. I will keep you posted as we go (need my cheer squad and support team with me on this one).
I still have fear and doubt. But I feel somewhat comfortable with the decision we’ve made. There are still some logistical details to put into place. But we have time.
I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful counsellor and all of you to support me through this. Never doubt that you are a valued member of my blog community. Each and every one of you.
{{{HUGS}}} to all.
Lightening
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hugs
You rock.
And to me, finding the courage to keep going, to not sit down and accept the half life makes you exceptional.
mwah!
GO YOU !!!!!!
Awesome stuff.
Lightening, what a fantastic achievement making 3kms. That’s just awesome.
I used to be able to run marathons - City to Surf being the main one and I have competed in the New York marathon. For various reasons, I have been knocked fair on my bottie and that all came to an end. It frustrated and saddened me. Slowly but surely I am getting there again.
Baby steps back to physical and emotional fitness, that’s what it takes. I applaud your take charge attitude.
You’re on the right road. You’re being positive (albeit a little scared) but scared is good. And your cheer squad will be right behind you.
You go girl!
You are so inspiring!!
The fact that life is a ‘choice’ is something that dawned on me when I faced a set back a few years back.. I cam across a quote somewhere that talked about that while things may ‘happen to you’ that are beyond your control ‘the point is you CHOOSE’ how to react and go forward from there… it has stuck with me… life is ‘my choice’.. I might not always make great choices, especially in the heat of the moment but because it is ‘my choice’ means that I can ‘change my mind’ do better move on….
Anyway rambling now but just wanted to say ‘you go girl’ you are already exceptional, you can only get better!
Well it’s not boycotting chocolate per se, just chocolate where it’s not guaranteed that they haven’t used child slaves to farm the cocoa beans and process the chocolate.
So fair-trade chocolate and organic chocolate is fine… Cadbury apparently don’t use cocoa produced by child slave labour (I have to double check this) but Nestle won’t confirm that they don’t use cocoa produced by slave labour… (ie in other words, at least some of their product probably does).
Hope that makes you feel better - I couldn’t go completely without chocolate either!
OMG, you are an amazing person. I know that it really has to come from within for you to really believe it, but you are not worthless. To give so much of yourself in so many ways.
When DD was born and life was an uphill battle every day, 2 people said things that have stuck in my mind since then. One was my Dr. She told me that if I wasn’t coping with my kids day in day out, then the issue wasn’t my kids, but that I wasn’t coping. My kids could be as normal as anyone elses, but I wasn’t coping with them. That made an impact on me because she was saying that everything is relative to each of us. What knocks one person for a six, might be a mere speed hump in life for someone else, but they are both valid reactions.
The other was my step MIL - whilst going through all the same stuff, she told me on the phone one day that it was character building. And it is and that has stuck in my mind. So, we need to draw strength from things in life that challenge us in some way. We can’t always draw strength from them straight away, and we may not know that we have, but it molds us into who we are in the present.
I am amazed by your strength. You may not see it or feel it, but it comes through in your words. Be proud of yourself for what you have achieved so far and respect yourself enough to wean off the drugs, take the challenges in front of you and meet them head on with your head held high. You are worthy and valued for everything that you are, and life would be a little greyer had I not met you
L, I’ll be waving my crepe paper streamers! Lisa x
You might wanna aim a bit higher than exceptional lol! I think you’re already there.
You’re a very determined and inspiring woman and I have every confidence you can achieve everything you CHOOSE to. And you have the best and loudest cheer squad at your disposal in these comments. Pompoms are ready - we’re all here for you.
Go for it gal! You’re a fellow Aussie battler and am sure you will find strength from within and above!
L
X
I want to choose to be exceptional.
You are exceptional. Others around you recognise that. It is up to you to *choose* to recognise it.
You once said that a person could never accept that others loved them until they accepted that they were in fact lovable. Your own reasoning applies here.
{{HUGS}}. Good luck!!!
I read your post yesterday regarding your medication and didn`t comment, although I wanted to. I thought it might be a bit presumptious to comment when I had never commented before but after reading today`s post I just wanted to say good for you….
You deserve the best, and it seemed that the post you read today was a message for you!
If you go ahead with the detox, best of luck, it will be tough (have detoxed off anti-depressants before) but if the medication is not doing what it should be doing then it will be worth it, even if you later decide to try another medication….Take a time to do things you enjoy during that time and try to relax, as strange as that sounds!
Good luck!
Oh my….where do I start here. Thank you for all your well wishes and support. I want to reply to each of your individually here but I’m honestly lost for words. For a girl with 4 blogs that is REALLY saying something.
I can only echo - and send a virtual hug
GO YOU and this song …
The Lyrics
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an’ pretend
‘Cause I’ve heard it all before
And I’ve been down there on the floor
No one’s ever gonna keep me down again
Oh yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
‘Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
‘Cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul
Oh, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin’ arms across the land
But I’m still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand
Oh, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
My Little Drummer boys
Lightening,
You have cheers from half way around the world.
Just take things one day at a time.
And you have cheers from just around the corner.
You know where we are if you need us and you know that we love you.
Your feelings are valid, you are a worthwhile person, and your feelings and experiences certainly count.
I feel blessed to count you as a friend and I am in awe of your strength and determination. You definately qualify for the term exceptional.
Keep us posted.
Our love and prayers are with you all the way.
Sharon.
Sharon - thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
Maggie - thanks. One day at a time is an excellent reminder.
Trish - great lyrics! Thanks.
Lulu - thank you for taking the time to comment. I would never find any comment presumptuous.
Your support whether vocal or silent is greatly appreciated.
Kerrie - thank you. I always love your cyber hugs!
Stuffy - you made me cry!!!! It’s been a while since you’ve done that!
I know you’re right and you know that I don’t want to admit that you’re right. 
As much as we change as we grow, there are some things that don’t change. 
Thanks for the timely reminder. I really don’t FEEL exceptional. :/
Lynette - one thing I am truly glad of is that I don’t need to face this in my own strength alone.
Guera - I hope they’re PINK pom poms.
Emma - thank you. I honestly don’t know what to say to that.
Lisa - I’m hoping those streamers are PINK too!
Gemisht - I just wish I could get over that hump that convinces me I AM worthless. Like you said, it does need to come from within. I’m just not sure how to make that happen.
Cat - that’s good to know (note to everyone else: Cat has been discussing chocolate and child labour on her blog - worth a read).
Kate - I agree about choice. Farmboy and I went through that process a little while ago with a controlling situation we were in. For a long time we felt trapped by our situation. Until we realised that we did have a choice. We might not like any of the options but if we chose to stay, we still had a choice. No one could control us without us letting them. Now we’re trying to teach our children (especially Leighton) that how they react is their choice in any situation. It’s not an easy thing to learn. What I do now with the things that have happened in my past is my choice. Not sure I like all of my options right now but at least I know I’m not trapped into any circumstances completely. Not anymore anyway (bit different as a child).
Anja - yeah, I was pretty proud of that effort. It’s taken a while to build back up to. My goal is the city to surf 12km fun run. One day.
Widdle Shamrock - thank you.
Bettina - yeah, I’m feeling very happy with my decision to “go for it”. Whether I still am down the track or not….. at least I’ll be able to say I gave it all I had.
Thanks again everyone.
I know you’re right and you know that I don’t want to admit that you’re right.
What you aren’t ready to admit (or accept) is that you are exceptional.
I’m not being trite or simplistic in saying that. I know you well enough to know that for you to truly accept that you are exceptional will be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do.
(of course when you do, look out world)
I really don’t FEEL exceptional.
That’s the catch. You won’t until you choose to accept that you are.
Got any hints on how I can do this Stuffy?
quote “Even now I have moments of doubt where I think that all of my struggles are in my head and a result of me misunderstanding my whole childhood.”
Quote ” I grew up feeling that my feelings were invalid. That I was too emotional and basically my emotions were WRONG.”
Work on these doubts, and you will start to feel just how exceptional you are.
I know cause those two sentences just described not only how i felt and often still feel, but also what my parents would have me believe. What helped me understand that it wasnt just me, is the fact that several of my siblings admitted to feeling and thinking these same doubts, but they had to reach adulthood to even admit it to themselves first and then to me in a sort of apology for the way they ignored what was happening to me.
Reading that post and especially those two sentences almost floored me. Here is someone who I value as an exceptional and breathtakingly amazing woman, admitting she has the same feelings I do. What happened in our lives may be totally different, doesnt mean they are any less traumatic than each others experience, cause in the end it had the same results, doubting yourself, doubting your memories, perceptions and feelings. Noone can judge that your experiences were “LESS THAN” someone elses, even you cant judge that, because you cant feel or know how it affected the other person. Dont try to judge it either, because it just feeds your own self doubt. Someone else might have had it worse, but that DOESN”T make what happened to you ANY LESS. Allow yourself the respect to grieve for your losses, help yourself heal the hurts, dont diminish them just because someone else might seem to have had it worse than you. You may find that they feel the same way and think that you had it worse, and I know you wouldnt wish upon them the same guilt you are putting upon yourself.
As for the weaning, use the exercise as much as you can and when you think you cant handle something, use the anger or frustration or feelings of helplessness to help you hit that punching bag harder and faster or run that extra few hundred metres, cause that will help mentally and physically (changing frustration to energy causes significant and positive changes in the seratonin, epi-nephrine and norepi-nephrine levels in the brain and will help you need less and less medication).
Give yourself reasonable goals and have presents for yourself when you reach that goal (a cute pink pen tied to a tree at the end of the extra kilometer you want to reach - hubby could help tie it there for you to have to get to it etc, or an extralong bubble bath or whatever level of treat matches the level of goal attained).
Ooh and definitely wean, I got really sick while taking AD’s and basically stopped cold turkey cause i couldnt keep them down for more than 10 seconds as even a mouthful of water rebounded. The cold turkey of AD’s is not only horrendously painful (worse migraines than ever, nausea, fevers, vomiting) but is also physically dangerous too. For me the cold turkey ended in me having an allergic reaction to the meds when i was well enough to start taking them again, so I cant take those particular meds (and likely any in the related drug family) again without severe reactions.
I think it is fantastic that you have it planned, you are putting your supports into place and into play before you start the hardest part, you are mentally preparing yourself (and hopefully hubby too), and having all those plans and supports gives you the greatest chance of succeeding, its well thought out, not a spur of the moment whim and its on a reasonable timetable too.
So hoping this makes sense and doesnt sounds overbearing and know it all ish. Many Many HUGS and CHEERS, because YOU REALLY DO DESERVE THEM ALL!!