Depression Hurts
I had a rough day yesterday. I was more than a little bit disappointed about that after having such a lovely day on Friday as we celebrated Singstar Princesses birthday. Perhaps I should not have been as surprised as I was and yet I find that the bad days still take me unawares. Thankfully they are coming less often than they used to, but they are still quite horrible when they happen. 
It wasn’t all that long ago that I had no understanding of the medical condition “depression” at all. I was surprised when my doctor first told me that it is as physical as diabetes or kidney failure.
Now I understand the condition a lot better. It is caused by a physical lack in the body. Diabetes is a condition that comes about when the pancreas no longer produces enough insulin. Depression comes about when the body fails to produce enough serotonin.
My dad has diabetes. He doesn’t need to inject insulin. He has a tablet that apparently “squeezes” the pancreas and that helps to regulate his blood sugar levels. Some people have depression at a level where they can do external activities to boost the serotonin levels enough to enable them to function well. Just like my dad doesn’t require an injection, they are able to function without medical intervention when it comes to their serotonin levels. For others, no amount of “squeezing” will give them what their body needs.
Just before I actually had my nervous breakdown, I remember trying to describe to my husband what I felt like. We knew I had a problem (granted, we didn’t understand the physical side of it) and we were working hard to try and “boost” my serotonin levels. I felt like a rainwater tank that had gone completely dry. Into the top we were adding teaspoons of water while down the bottom the tap was fully open. Water was draining out of the tank faster than we could possibly refill it, even with 2 of us on the job.
It makes more sense to us now that we have trained professionals in our lives that are able to explain to us what happened. While my body wasn’t making much serotonin, I continued to try and function “normally” and so drained my supply tank (the back up reserves) until it really did go dry. At that point my body had no choice but to start shutting down. I lost a lot of brain function which in turn made functioning at all rather limited.
Where am I going with this post? One of the things I promised myself when I started this blog was that I would be as real as possible to my readers. I try not to be too negative because there is enough of that in this world. At the same time, I don’t want to create a false picture of the “perfect wife and mother” by only posting the good stuff.
Yesterday was a really rough day for me. On bad days I get a lot of physical pain. I never imagined the level of pain a person could feel just from being low on one tiny little chemical. The body is really an amazing and complex thing. When we expect someone with depression to simply “snap out of it”, we really are showing our ignorance as to how complex the body truly is.
My children, who had shone so beautifully in their behaviour on Friday, were rambunctious and really rather annoying. I didn’t cope well with them at all. It hurt me that I wasn’t able to cope with them. It hurt me that I wasn’t up to somehow guiding them in a positive way into better behaviour. It hurt me that my only choice was to closet myself away in a room and ask them not to bother me.
Depression hurts. There is no doubt about that. I remember a friend of mine (who is also a sufferer) making the point one day “do people think we WANT to feel this bad? If we COULD snap out of it we WOULD.” No one wants to feel that way. I understand her point. I recognise now that I am a VERY driven person. My GP told me that I HAD to be a very driven person to have continued to function for 2 and a half years with Post Natal Depression. To have driven myself to the point where I had absolutely NOTHING left in my reserve tank. I didn’t believe him at first but upon reflection, I can see his point. If there is anyone who would have snapped out of this condition if there was any possible way, I think I would be that person.
I apologise if this is kind of a rambling post. I find it hard to say what I want to say in some kind of coherent way. Some of you will be sitting there nodding, yes, yes and YES. You’ve been there before and understand what I’m talking about. Those of you who are fellow sufferers I send you huge (((HUGS))) cos it is a rough road. We do need to keep fighting. At the same time, we need to be kind to ourselves and understand that we are worth looking after.
For those who have never suffered, I hope my attempt to be honest helps to lift the lid on depression and give people a tiny insight into what it can be like for those who do suffer.
I’m not sure what the future holds for me. Whether I will one day recover to the point where bad days are pretty much nonexistent. Or whether this is something I will be living with for the rest of my life. It’s a condition that seems to be rather complex and affect different people in different ways. Even those who are studying it constantly still fail to understand it fully.
This much I do know. Having suffered from it myself, I want to spread the word as far and wide as I can as to what it is like for sufferers. So you can expect that I’m going to talk about it every so often. 
If you’re a sufferer of depression and have written a blog post about it somewhere, I’d love for you to let me know so that I can link to it. Let’s work together to help build a better awareness and understanding of this condition.
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Well, for what it’s worth, that’s one of the best descriptions of depression - removing the jargon, putting it into layman’s - that I’ve read in a loooonnng time. Perhaps ever.
But as for my references to it on my blog? I haven’t written any yet. I’m not sure why…
Thankyou.
Huge huge hugs.
I think its that “oh why don’t you just snap out of it” attitude that keeps many people suffering in silence. I know for me, that when you combine those kinds of attitudes with a lack of understanding or even just plain old empathy for others, it leaves me wanting to hide. Which was just what I did.
hugs babe.
((Hugs))
I don’t suffer from depression but my Dad does. He has for my entire life. I’ve seen how hard it is to struggle with this and commend you with how really great you are doing with it.
I still struggle with depression, have for 14 years now. Maybe I’ll blog about it one day.
The bad days come in cycles - they come for a while, then disappear for a while. I really agree with what you’re saying about chemicals, and I have found that if I function “normally” for a while, then have a “great” day (like it sounds like you had on Friday) it’s like a chocolate overload (yes I’ve just been at Kelley’s site) and I crash the next day. It’s like a chemcial overload and your body needs to recover from it, even if it’s a good chemical, if you know what I mean.
I also suspect this is what happens with the “3-day blues” for new mothers. After the chemical high of giving birth, you crash and tears happen for no apparent reason.
Now I know to expect a down day (or two) after a good day (as opposed to a normal day) it’s much easier to deal with, and I can plan for it to be slow, rather than expect the high to continue.
I hope that makes sense - and big hugs
Thank you for sharing that with us, Lightening. It´s very brave to put so much of yourself out there and I´m sure it helps those who are suffering too to know others are going through the same things. I have no direct experience with depression so posts like these really help me to start to understand how it works. I guess it´s not a simple thing but I hope your rough days become fewer and further between.
Karen - thanks very much.
It’s not easy to explain or to talk about is it?
Bettina - I think it’s what a lot of people do.
Kelley - thanks. Hugs always appreciated.
Christine - I think it is just as hard to watch a loved one go through it and not really know how to help them.
Kin - interesting. I hadn’t thought about coming down from “highs”. I guess I thought it was more that I’d used up what emotional energy I had.
Guera - thank you. I think it’s wonderful that there are people like you who are willing to listen and at least try to understand.
thanks lightening for your post. {{hugs}}
You did describe depression brilliantly!!
As a sufferer myself for 18 yrs I’ve never read/heard a description as good as yours!!
take care, Ali }}hugs}}
Great post and ((hugs)) for your honesty and bravery
You really did do a good job of describing it. It wasn’t a rambling post or a negative one. One of the things I’m coming to terms with myself is that when I have those dark days I have to remind myself of the physical nature of them instead of getting tangled up in my feelings and trying to fix it through sheer willpower which only ends in a misplaced sense of guilt. Your friend is so right when she says that “if we COULD snap out of it we WOULD”.
It’s a slow and arduous process but I do think our bodies are powerful things and that you won’t have to live with this for the rest of your life. Or me. Or anyone else. Perhaps I don’t have a scientific basis to believe that, but I choose to regardless.
{{{{{Hugs}}}}}
You really do have a way with words! Heartfelt, honest & brilliant in it’s simplicity. 22 years on this road and only now meeting people who really get it! In cyberspace! Who would’ve guessed! Hugs to you and all those like us xox
Depression is so hard to understand if you have never had it. This is a great way of describing things. I don’t often write about my depression issues, because when I’m in the midst of it, I can hardly find the words or space to write, and when I’m not in the midst of it I don’t want to talk about it (or I don’t even realize it’s an issue worth discussion). Probably need to be more real, just like you’ve done here.
Blessings!
Awww… *HUG* I have some idea what it’s like. Although it turned out that my ‘depression’ was really a heart problem, it still messed with my life a lot. I hope you’re being kind to yourself.
Hugs. Bad days are bad. Good days can be good. I dont know if you saw my recent post on Depression and why do I suffer it? Its on the 31st December, the second one to come up when you go to last years links.
Not sure if that is the kind of post you mean.
I find my bad days come after good days. Kinda like your tank analagy. A good day the tap is left open and water drains out. I generally forget to turn the tap off, so the following day (or week, or in the future somewhere) I am empty and need to build back up again.
Your post has inspired me to go and do another post (was already semi - brewing, now its almost completed).
Hope today is a better day. HUGS.
Ali - thank you
Jayne - thanks
Cerebralmum - yes, the guilt and the frustration can be as bad as the depression itself if it is allowed to consume us. I find I get better quicker if I go with the flow. Although that doesn’t always stop me trying to fight my way out of it.
Boneblower - I know what you mean about meeting others via the internet. Perhaps it’s a place where we feel freer to express our true thoughts? I find I spend more time on the computer on down days as it seems to give me a comforting distraction without taking too much energy.
Sweet Mummy - I know what you mean. I’ve been keeping a very ad hoc journal which helps. I find as I write about it, I learn more about it as well. Kind of helps bring into focus what is really happening. Like the analogy of diabetes and different levels of treatment - that only came to me as I was writing the piece.
Naomi - depression and heart problems seem to go hand in hand sometimes don’t they? I’m glad they found out what was happening though. That must have been scary.
Amy - I can’t remember if I saw your post or not (my memory isn’t great and that was while we were away so I may have missed it). I’ll see if I can find it.
I really appreciate everyone’s support, hugs and feedback. It’s very nice!!!
Lightening. hoping that things are better now. I to suffer from depression and I would love to know why the ‘down’ days come, I know that it is due to a chemical balance but I feel some days that there must be something that triggers them. I have never wrote about it in my blog, as I feel that people judge you. I thank you for your courage as the more people talk about it, the better that they will realise that it is common.
Lightening.
You are amazing and courageous. I have suffered from depression on and off for a while. You describe it so well, so accurately.
Down days happen. They always happen. We have a fluctuation in the seratonin, just like any hormone and lots of things trigger it.
I am taking medication now and still some days are hard. I know what you mean about people wanting you to just snap out of it. For a long time, my mother, in particular was mortified to have a daughter who took anti depressants. There was such a big stigma attached to it all for her and there still is for alot of others.
I have written a couple of posts. I will have to go search for them and get back to you.
I love that you are keeping it real. That is definately how I write my blog.
Hugs back at ya. Yep, another sufferer here. Thankfully the good days outweigh the bad at the moment, but I think that my tank didn’t get as empty as yours. Somehow a sixth sense kicked in for me and I *knew* that I had PND, but then the hard part was convincing my GP, because she thought that I sounded too rational. Who, ME??????
I hope that you have got over the hump and on your way up. Thinking of you. Watch this space and I will let you know if I get the courage to reveal all about my depression in a blog post…………..
A few people including my daughter suffer from depression. There is depression and then there is anxiety you seemed like you had depression. Sometimes the medication needs to be adjusted..don’t be discouraged… My daughter purchased the Lucinda Bassett tapes, they help her cope… there is a post somewhere on my blog grammology. I’m heading for ovarian surgery this week and I am pressed for time. And oh they think it might be cancer..I had breast cancer in 05..and they are taking my gallbladder as i have a stone the size of a peanut.
So when I’m done with y surgery and follow up I’ll get back to you and get you my daughters email. She may be able to help by letting you know what to expect.
My best,
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
http://grammology.com
My husband has been suffering depression for a few months (years maybe) and medicated only last six months. I found your post very enlightening (no pun) and I printed it for him to read - I will show some of my friends too.
I happened upon this post today - 1125 comments - but all of them worthy.
http://www.dooce.com/2007/12/13/because-i-couldnt-say-it-phone
thanks for your honesty and how you have talked about something that it seems no one wants to talk about but is such a real part of so many of our lives.My husband suffers real physical pain too. I have down days too - depression I don’t know ?
Hi Jodi,
I hope you’re feeling better.
Take care.
Sandra - I can understand the fear of judgement. I was reluctant to talk about it much at first. I guess I am in the position where I can talk about it and fear less judgement as many people’s reactions where “not X, she’s the last person I’d have expected to have depression”. So by my talking about it I hope that people realise that it has nothing to do with who you are or your outlook on life (okay that *can* play a factor in some cases) but has a lot more physical basis than people realise. Of course, mine does have an emotional basis as well. It’s complex, that’s one thing I *do* know.
Tiff - thanks for your contribution to the discussion. I think people pick up when you’re being real and do appreciate it. To me that’s what blogging is all about - sharing your life’s journey and hoping that in some way that might help or encourage others along the way.
DesertQueen - empty tanks are BAD, BAD news. As I guess you know from what I’ve been through. I’m watching that space just waiting for news of your blog, let alone specific posts!!!!!!!!!!
Dorothy - thanks for your support and encouragement. I’m currently being treated for both depression and anxiety although the depression is really the more major part of the problem. I hope things go well with your surgery. My DD asked me the other day why I had “Dorothy” written on my calendar. Just wanted to remind myself when it was going to be. Will be thinking of and praying for you.
Babyamore - It’s extra tough for blokes I think. Thanks for the link. I shall take a look when I get the chance. As for you….take care of yourself. If you’re not sure, it doesn’t hurt to talk things through with a GP. I left mine too long and recovery has been long, slow and painful. I feel like if I’d asked for help earlier, my outcome might have been different.
Emma - thank you. I value your friendship and support as always.
Thank you for your so apt description of depression. i have been fighting it most of my life and sometimes i win and sometimes it wins. My dear friend once described it as a non surgical lobotomy and on my really dark days thats what it feels like.
i enjoy reading your blog but i did subscribe and it didnt work…
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