We have come to a new phase in my mental health treatment.
Heading away from the path that says “a few years of drugs and this may all go away” to “this looks like it’s going to be a lifetime thing and you’re going to have to learn to live with it”.
Not a path I EVER wanted to take.
While we always knew there was a chance, we HOPED for the best.
As you do.
When I first had a breakdown, my GP warned me there was a chance I’d pushed myself so hard that a part of my brain would be burnt out.
Irreparable.
You think you’re doing the right thing, struggling on, hoping things will get better.
I didn’t truly understand.
I didn’t ask for help early enough.
I didn’t know.
Now I have to face the truth.
I’m brain damaged.
It sounds bad.
But it’s not the end of the world really.
I hope.
My Psychiatrist has referred me to a Mental Health Team.
This involves regular visits with a Mental Health Nurse whose job is to “teach me how to live with and manage my depression”.
*sigh*
I’m not good with new people.
I never have been but these days, I’m even worse.
So Farmboy came with me to my first visit.
She’s a lovely lady although she does talk a bit. I’m trying to fill in forms and she’s chattering away. Hard to concentrate when you’re brain isn’t fully functioning anyway.
And it does seem to be helping.
The things she’s telling me and suggesting seem to be sinking in. And working.
Then last week, on our 3rd visit, she brings a STUDENT.
No warning (or I wouldn’t have turned up). She asked me IN FRONT of said student if I was okay with that.
What was I supposed to say? NO!
Said student didn’t sit there observing the session. She RAN the session.
I wanted to RUN FROM the session.
Instead, I went into my “protective” mode. Deflecting away from myself and telling myself I just had to get through an hour.
I did get through the hour.
But it cost me.
It cost me a LOT.
I was exhausted and in pain by the time I got home.
I feel somewhat cheated and betrayed by this nurse.
We had only just begun to form a trust bond and now it’s broken.
I’m supposed to ring her today.
Part of my “therapy” is to face things I avoid. Like making phone calls.
I don’t want to.
Then again, I want to ask her if she’ll be alone this week.
But at the same time, I don’t want to talk about it.
I just want to run away.
What was she thinking?
Does she not get me at all?
I don’t know what to do….